10 Reasons Hogwarts Is The Worst Damn School Ever

In this blog post, the writer is making a point that Hogwarts isn’t the type of school for kids to be attending. Far from it. I’m going to just say that this is very well-written and yet funny at the same time.

A VERY STRANGE PLACE

Hey everybody, look at that title! If you can’t guess what something called “10 Reasons Hogwarts Is The Worst Damn School Ever” is about, than I officially have to confiscate your eyeballs.

Ahem.

10: “You Know What Would Be Funny? Making People Run In To Walls.”

This is just a minor nitpick, but seriously, what the fuck was up with Platform 9 3/4?!

Think about it: Hogwarts sends letters to these kids, tell them they’re magic, then say “oh, by the way, run in to this brick wall”. What, is the entire admission system run by the Three Stooges?!

Wait a second, that’s a lie. They don’t even say “run in to this wall”, they just say “go to this station that doesn’t actually exist”. The only reason Harry doesn’t assume that the Durleys were playing a practical joke is because he runs in to the Weasleys which is incidentally…

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Harry Potter Spoof, Day 15

Top hat as an icon for magic

Top hat as an icon for magic (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And here, we have the long-awaited meeting between Harry Moffer and Halfus Snibblepore…

Snibblepore claims to have knowledge of everything the kids have done in school, but in reality, he didn’t even know about the restricted section in the library, nor does he know that Silch had been mistreating the students. He refuses to fire Silch.

Harry forces the truth about his parents’ deaths out of Snibblepore, and he claims that there was a second baby who was with the Moffer family the night that Hames and Linny Moffer were killed, but no one knows if Harry had a brother or not. Harry swears to get his revenge.

That evening, the Grim Trio faces Jill, who is trying to break into the Third Building. She defeats them easily and claims that Harry is responsible for the death of her grandfather, Paumer.

Just then, Professor Wom Dibble is seen with a fake version of the Magician’s Crystal. Snibblepore had hidden the real crystal in a safe place. Dibble accuses Harry of ruining his life; he was once known as a stage magician named Gourd Maldycart until the accident that killed Harry’s parents destroyed his life and career.

Jill attacks the Grim Trio and humiliates them as Dibble continues to complain about his lost career. Jill puts her foot down when Dibble wishes to kill Harry and destroys the Third Building.

And that’s how this chapter ends.

Harry Potter Spoof, Day 11

Sand dunes in Death Valley National Park. The ...

Sand dunes in Death Valley National Park. The image shows coppice dunes,which are formed around vegetation (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well, this chapter here ends the possibility of this book being solely for children.

Mr. Silch, in his rage, throws Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde into the forbidden Sand Dunes, which were located behind the high school. Tafrin objects to this treatment and Professor MacFordlepad threatens to have Silch fired for his wicked deed.

The Grim Trio realizes that they are lost and cannot get back up the dunes.

Jill, however, has cooled down with the Harry-hating and decides to patch things up with the trio, only to realize that they never showed up for classes. She knows that something is up with the trio and resolves to go after them.

The Harry Potter spoof begins!

harry moffer 1

harry moffer 1 (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

Today, I now begin the spoof known as Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever!

In this parody, Harry Potter is a known as Harry Moffer, a normal boy who has nothing in common with his “useless” relatives. That is, until he is invited to attend an elite public school called Warthogpox High School. There, he meets Pun Teasley and Hildegarde Lamer and navigates the normal world of high school.

And no, there is no magic in the story. Now you know.

This blog post has been brought to you by: My version of a Harry Potter rip-off (accoriding to HowTo:Write a Harry Potter Ripoff)

P.S.: I’ve been aware that this is the 300th post on this blog.

Only Several Sunlit Days – The Ultimate Anti Harry/Ginny Essay

English: An alternative, uncolored coat of arm...

English: An alternative, uncolored coat of arms of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry from Harry Potter book series, by J.K Rowling. For a reference i used a drawing found on the internet, probably an illustration from one of the books. vector drawing,.SVG format. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Only Several Sunlit Days – The Ultimate Anti Harry/Ginny Essay.

via Only Several Sunlit Days – The Ultimate Anti Harry/Ginny Essay.

Evidently, someone has written a very good essay about Harry Potter and his dumb relationship with the Mary-Sue Ginny Weasley. Using quotes from the books, she proves that not only is Ginny is a Mary-Sue, she’s a spoiled brat who cares nothing for anyone else, only getting her “crushHarry.

Ginny Weasley is the biggest travesty in the history of literature.

I Have Survived (Cedric Diggory/Edward Cullen parody to the tune of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive)

at first I was upset, I was frightened
I was worried about not having her by my side
and as I spent those many nights thinking about how she did me wrong
and I got pissed, and now I’m getting my revenge…

guess what, I’m back from Forks Washington
and you’re just staring at me with that stupid look upon your face
I should have quit the competition, I should have had you expelled
if I knew that I would die and then you would dare move in on my girl

and now just go, just go away
please get out of my sight, because I don’t like you anymore
you were the one who lured me to my death
you made me take Lord Voldemort‘s curse and die

oh no not I
I have survived
and I know that I don’t need magic to stay alive

I got the rest of my life to live
and I got a new family to love
I have survived, I have survived

well you think that your love story is better than mine
did you forget that once upon a time, she tried to have you killed
and instead of comforting my girl when she needed it the most
you slapped her across her face and you said I was a fool

now they see me, somebody new
not that pretty boy who wanted to be friends with you
and I don’t have the time for your stupid magic tricks
because I’m heading back to the girl who I know really loves me

and now just go, just go away
please get out of my sight, because I don’t like you anymore
you were the one who lured me to my death
you made me take Lord Voldemort’s curse and die

oh no not I
I have survived
and I know that I don’t need magic to stay alive

I got the rest of my life to live
and I got a new family to love
I have survived, I have survived

now I’m gonna go, walk out the door
and I’m not looking back, because I don’t like you anymore
you were the one who lured me to my death
you made me take Lord Voldemort’s curse and die

oh no not I
I have survived
and I know that I don’t need magic to stay alive

I got the rest of my life to live
and I got a new family to love
I have survived, I have survived

Changes to the Story That Made No Sense

Here’s a list of how the story about Tyler Potter has been changed:

  1. The moment where Harry Potter makes his stupid wish and the world is changed forever.
  2. Tyler’s life with the Herron family.
  3. NO SLASH!!! (Sorry, Harry, but I cannot let any slash be in my story)*
  4. Getting Tyler away from the Herron.
  5. Alternative meeting with Matthew and Coco
  6. Changing the names of Harry Potter characters and places.
  7. Eliminating all references to Harry Potter’s past life.
  8. Tyler is now Tyler Foster.
  9. No Lord Voldemort.
  10. The story is to be as realistic as possible.

Well, that’s some of the ideas that I’m implementing for the story, which will now be titled “This Story Makes No Sense“. Look for that story to be released soon!

refers to the story on fanfiction.net where Harry is constantly begging me to make the story a slash story and to put Tyler and Hayley together.

The Story Concerning Phoenixfur

Hogwarts

Hogwarts (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So, who is Phoenixfur, anyway?

Here’s the story that I have made up about him…so far.

Nicked from “The Harry Potter Express”

Well, there is one founder of Hogwarts who was left out in the records of Hogwarts’s founding. His name was Phargi Phoenixfur. To start, Phargi was described as a man who makes you think of an elegant dragonfly. He has large brown eyes that are like two patches of dried blood. His fine, curly, ebony hair is neck-length and is worn in an impractical, carefully-crafted style. He has a graceful build. His skin is dark. His unusually short wand is simple, made of hornbeam, and has a core made of kelpie bone. He has a monkey as an animal companion.

Phargi met Godric Gryffindor, Helga Huffelpuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin when they invited him to help build a school for young wizards and witches. Many years later, when the Slytherins and the Gryffindors instigated their famed rivalry, Phargi and his students soon abandoned Hogwarts and went on to build Tritonblast Academy of Sorcery, Alchemy, & Mysticism in Belgium with three houses named Spiritpuff, Fairytail, & Wolffeather.

But the house of Phoenixfur remained at Hogwarts, and it was used to secretly teach any orphan who had magic and had not been allowed to attend Hogwarts. Upon the end of Deathly Hallows, the house of Phoenixfur was re-opened and the house was filled with many war orphans who just couldn’t fit into the other four houses.

But the fate of the Phoenixfur family has been shrouded in mystery and a certain boy wizard and orphaned girl must discover what happened to the Phoenixfur who remained and find the mysterious school of Tritonblast.

Will I get around to writing the story? Who knows!

Harry Potter Rip-Off story #1

I thought about this Harry Potter rip-off back in 2007 and with my departure from the fandom, I figured that it was time that the story was to be told.

Enjoy!

  1. 10 years after Harry Potter’s story ends, another magical tale begins.
  2. This time, the story centers on a boy named Tim Whitaker.
  3. Tim is an orphaned boy living in a cruel foster family.
  4. On his 11th birthday, Tim runs away from home.
  5. While on the run, Tim discovers that he is a wizard.
  6. 10 years before. Tim’s parents (Tom and Lois) were killed during the wizarding war, particularly during the Battle of Hogwarts.
  7. Tim meets Hagrid and they go off to Diagon Alley.
  8. Hagrid tells Tim the story about Lord Voldemort.
  9. Very soon, Tim is packed up and all set to go to Hogwarts.
  10. While on the Hogwarts Express, Tim befriends Danny Berkeley (from a blood-traitor family) and Robin Larkspur (muggleborn witch).
  11. They also have an encounter with Philip Jamison, who becomes Tim’s mortal enemy.
  12. When they reach Hogwarts, Tim and his friends meet Hagrid once again.
  13. Tim and his friends (plus scores of other students) enter Hogwarts and they are greeted by Professor Connor Black.
  14. Professor Black takes the kids to the Great Hall.
  15. Tim, Danny, and Robin are sorted into Gryffindor while Philip is placed in Slytherin.
  16. Tim spends his first night at Hogwarts.
  17. The next day, Tim and Danny are late to Professor Kroger’s class.
  18. Tim makes a new friend; her name is Carys Winston.
  19. Tim inadvertently joins the Gryffindor Quidditch team, which is run by Professor Weasley.
  20. Professor Malfoy, the potions teacher, doesn’t take too kindly to Tim.
  21. Tim makes another friend; his name is Carlyle Rogers.
  22. Tim and Danny rescue Robin and Carys from a troll during the Halloween party.
  23. Tim witnesses a rivalry between Professor Malfoy and Professor Chattet.
  24. That Christmas, Tim gets a mysterious gift.
  25. Tim finds the Mirror of Erised, which shows him his parents.
  26. Tim has an encounter with Headmistress McGonagall, who advises him to be careful.
  27. A few months pass, and Tim and his friends chance to discover a mysterious jewel.
  28. They suspect that Professor Malfoy is after Professor Chattet, who wants the jewel for himself.
  29. That night, Tim, Danny, Robin, and Carys go into the Forbidden Chamber.
  30. Tim goes off alone and discovers Professor Chattet.
  31. Professor Chattet reveals that he killed Tim’s parents during the Battle of Hogwarts and he plans to steal the jewel.
  32. Thanks to a ghostly intervention, both Tim and the jewel are saved.
  33. Headmistress McGonagall reveals that Professor Chattet was really the evil Nelena Luvannokitch, who wanted revenge after being abandoned and almost being trampled on during the battle.
  34. With the school term ending, Tim begins to become both excited and yet dreading the return home.

So maybe this story will be written and you’ll probably find out the things that are completely wrong with the Harry Potter series as a whole.

Top 10 Alternate Endings to Deathly Hallows – Harry Potter Prognostications Podcast

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Top 10 Alternate Endings to Deathly Hallows – Harry Potter Prognostications Podcast: If you want to know how Harry Potter should have ended, then click the link and prepare to die laughing.

I’ll have my own alternative endings to Harry Potter real soon.

Update: Here’s the list and my reactions to it:

10. Scooby Doo ending – Voldemort is captured, and is revealed to be Filch wearing a mask. As he is hauled away, he shouts, “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”

My reaction: If Voldemort was Filch, then that meant that the whole “Boy-Who-Lived” thing was pointless.

*****

9. South Park ending: After defeating Voldemort, Harry and Ron address the audience, saying, “You know, I’ve learned something today.” Suddenly, Ginny is run over by the Knight Bus, prompting Ron to shout, “They killed Ginny!” Harry responds, “You bastards!” Neville laughs and says it’s because Ginny was poor.

My reaction: Yay! No more Ginny! (BTW, I hate Ginny)

*****

8. Star Wars ending; Voldemort reveals himself to in fact be Harry’s father.

My reaction: Stupid, useless, and lame. I can’t believe they would do that. (Plus, villain as relative cheapens the entire story)

*****

7. CSI: Miami ending: Harry, Ron and Hermione collect evidence linking Voldemort to the murder of Albus Dumbledore. When confronted, Voldemort challenges Harry to prove he did it; Harry puts on his sunglasses, holding up a single strand of Voldemort’s hair, responds, “I don’t have to, you already did.”

My reaction: Next week, the CSI Team investigates the death of one Severus Snape and stumble upon some anti-wizarding agency bent on destroying everything related to magic.

*****

6. 24 ending: It is revealed that Voldemort was really just working for the French, and Madame Maxime was really behind the entire plot to destroy the wizarding world. At the last second, Harry is able to diffuse the device Maxime had planted that would neutralize all wizard’s power in all of England. Just as they begin to celebrate, Harry is captured by the Chinese and when we last see him, he is on a boat to China.

My reaction: Season finale or series finale?

*****

5. Brokeback Mountain ending: After wishing he could “quit him,” Harry finally finds out that Draco was beaten to death with wands by a group of angry Deatheaters. The book closes with Harry gazing longingly into his trunk, in which he has Draco’s Slytherin robe wrapped around his own Invisibility Cloak. Harry mumbles, “I swear, Draco.” and sheds a single tear.

My reaction: This ending is so pointless I cried.

*****

4. Lord of the Rings ending: Harry and Ron finally destroy the final horucrux by throwing it into a bubbling lave pit deep beneath Hogwarts, killing Lord Voldemort in the process, but at the same time weakening the foundations of Hogwarts, trapping Harry and Ron miles beneath the surface. Where they gaze into each others eyes, too afraid to talk about the love that dare not speak its name. Just as they pass out, Fawkes rescues them and they both live out their lives married to their respective spouses.

My reaction: Keep that Harry Potter crap away from my Lord of the Rings!

*****

3. A Few Good Men ending: In the process of defeating Lord Voldemort, Ron and Hermione accidentally kill Draco. They are brought to trial before the Wizengamut, and Harry must act as their lawyer. Harry believes that Ron and Hermione were only following orders from Percy, and so he calls Percy to the stand. After a few hours of intense questioning, Harry finally tricks Percy into admitting he ordered the attack on Malfoy. As he is led off to Azkaban, Percy remarks, “All you did was weaken the wizarding world today, Potter. That’s all you did.”

My reaction: You want my reaction? You can’t handle my reaction!

*****

2. Back to the Future ending: Harry, Ron and Hermione defeat Voldemort by traveling back through time to 1955. While there, they befriend a young, and not yet evil, Tom Riddle. By showing him love and friendship, Tom grows up to be a swell guy, in fact, he’s Dumbledore’s personal assistant. Just as we think things are going to be OK, Mad Eye Moody shows up, grabs Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny and herds them to his nuclear powered broom time machine. When Harry asks what is wrong with them in future, Moody replies, “You turn out fineit’s your kids!”

My reaction: WTF???

*****

1. Harry Potter ending: It’s the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. ‘Nuff said.

My reaction: Whatever. That ending still sucks.

*****

Overall: Well, it shows that even a bad story can have some funny ways to end it. But as I have said before, I will throw out my own endings to Harry Potter, so watch for it!