Never Thought We Would See This Happen…

Well, it’s happening today.

If you remember the bad fanfiction that was the Harry Potter epilogue, it has been 19 years since the Voldemort Wars ended.

Meaning, it’s officially 19 years later; on that day, a young boy was sent to Hogwarts by his parents, and reading that part in Harry Potter & the Deathly Hollows was AWKWARD for everyone!

But that’s not what this blog post is about.

In fact, I must say that today is the day when we finally see the dreaded Harry Potter epilogue come to life. As in, Harry’s poorly-named second son is on his way to Hogwarts.

I don’t believe it.

J.R.R. Tolkien – The Father of Lord of The Rings I WHO DID WHAT IN WORLD WAR 1?

A Controversial Opinion

I have something important to say about the Harry Potter world, and believe me, it’s not pretty.

For many years, I have tried to ignore Harry Potter and go about my daily life, but it was all but impossible to do so. People I knew begged, coerced, and even threatened me to read the Harry Potter books or something bad would happen to me.

Well, I’m here to tell you: I have never read the Harry Potter books and guess what? I’m still alive!

Because I never read Harry Potter, I’m glad I was never stressed out over the books. I never planned my life around the movies and I never participated in the online forums. Instead, I found other books to read that aren’t Harry Potter, and I’m happier for it.

So, can you survive without Harry Potter? You lived BEFORE Harry Potter, and you can live without him today.

That is all.

Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever on Stories in 5 Minutes

Potter Musical on my television! (Photo credit: sermoa)

And here’s the story as it was written on the blog Stories in 5 Minutes:

Once again, we revisit the magical world of… hey, wait a minute! This isn’t the new Harry Potter story!

Far from it.

Instead, we have the rather boring story about a loser kid who goes to some pathetic school with his two lame friends and has a series of pointless adventures.

I guess this just goes to show you that Harry Potter really does suck.

To be continued…

And there you have it. Book two will be out next year.

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Top 5: Pre- Harry Potter Reads

This list is for those of you who think that the Harry Potter books are too intense for your children, or if you don’t want your children to read the books.

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Rarest Kind of Best

As I wrote yesterday, Harry Potter books (and movies) can be pretty scary and intense for younger children. If your child is intrigued by magic and fantasy, but you’re not certain she or he is quite ready for Hogwarts, here are a few fantasy titles they may be more comfortable with.

(Click on the titles to see full reviews.)

Top 5: Beginner Fantasy Chapter Books

 

1. The Cuckoo Clock by Mrs. Molesworth – age 5+

A very sedate and old-fashioned (1877) story about a girl who visits some magical places and learns to behave herself a little better.

2. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum – age 5+

Quite different from the movie – a rambling, weird tale with a few scares and dustups along the way. (NB. some violence: see full review.)

3. Half Magic by Edward Eager – age 5+

One of…

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Harry Potter Spoof, Day 21

A Very Potter Sequel (soundtrack) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And now for a sneak peak at the sequel to “Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever“, appropriately titled “Harry Moffer & the Really Stupid Sequel”

“I hope you like what you see,” the girl smirked at Harry as she stalked around him. Harry’s heart pounded in his chest as he began to wonder why the beautiful girls in the world had to be so gosh-darned cruel.

“I, uh, well,” Harry stammered as he tried to figure out what to say to her. She smiled at him in a way that made him uncomfortable, as if he was a piece of chocolate and she hadn’t had chocolate in a long time.

The girl continued walking around him as she said, “It would be a shame if people were to find out that their so-called “hero” had no balls, now would it?”

“I do have balls,” said Harry, “but if I hand myself to every girl out there who wants me, then the guys would have my head for dinner.”

“Oh, those other guys are just a bunch of fruitcakes,” said the girl. “I don’t want a fruitcake; not when I can have a man.”

“But I am not a man,” said Harry as he was blushing. “I’m only 14 years old!” Why did things like this have to be so complicated?

Just so you know, this won’t be in the sequel.

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Harry Potter Spoof, Day 20

Chatterwell Stories 3 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Praise for Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever

“Bursting with originality. A loser boy fighting a war against a popular children’s book has simply never been done before.”- The Richmond Messenger

“About as moving as a pig eating a snake, but Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever does deliver an important message about not giving into the pop culture hype.”- Hindy Cays, author of Starfield Sunrise

“A fake magic crystal would be my first choice too. This must be based on a true story, you couldn’t make this stuff up!”- The Wrong Stuff

“I could do better than that pile of crap.”- Priscilla Peck

“Jarey has succeeded in creating a wonderful parody from a mediocre children’s book. Go away, Potter! Moffer is the new boy wizard.”- The Daily Crap

“Stupid, lame, and completely disgusting. I can’t believe I actually read this pile of crap. Please, for the love of God, don’t buy this book or rent it.”- Jacquel Rassenworth

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Harry Potter Spoof, Day 18

Potter fans wait in lines outside a Borders in Newark, Delaware for the midnight release of the book (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And now for the extras, which I will post here:

A word of caution:

This book pokes fun at everything. You already know this. But to give you an example of what it makes fun of, here’s a list of everything that the book has mocked so far:

1. Larry Dobber by J. P. Wordling: the worst-selling children’s book series that is threatening to turn itself into a major Hollywood movie unless it is stopped. Here are the books in order: Larry Dobber & the Soothsayer’s Bone / Larry Dobber & the Pholospher’s Chrone, Larry Dobber & the Cahbmer of Sercets, Larry Dobber & the Poisoner of Altazan, Larry Dobber & the Cup of Burnt Oil, Larry Dobber & the Legoin of the Penguinz, Larry Dobber & the Quarter-Vail Plince, Larry Dobber & the Deadly Hammers
2. The Blightnight Snaga by Bethenie Leyar: paranormal romance about a girl and a fampire which was embraced by scores of young girls everywhere.
3. Innovation Chain by Chirstofar Pailname: written by a teenager, long maligned for glorifying fire-breathing destructive monsters.
4. Kercy Mackson & the Asgardians by Nick Weirdon: a mixture of modern-day fantasy and mythology. Easy and fun to read.
5. Children of the Bread Ping series (also known as the Narlie Tone series) by Penny Limmo: Long maligned as a Larry Dobber lookalike, this series centers on a young boy with strange powers who gets with other kids with strange powers and fights against adults with strange powers.
6. The Starvation & Fight to the Death Games by Zucanne Follins: a controversial dystopian tale about a girl who wins fame and respect by shooting rocks at her rivals for the enjoyment of a bunch of kid-hating adults.
7. Atalan Swan by Ein Copper: the story of a kid posing as a mafia don who dared to mess with fairies.
8. Soul Taker Trilogy by Nessel Harrymann: A medieval-type story that was banned in the USA for having a gay hero but became a bestseller everywhere else.

Note: All but the last book on this list is based off of the Harry Potter series, The Twilight Saga, The Inheritance Cycle, Percy Jackson & the Olympians, Children of the Red King/Charlie Bone series, The Hunger Games, and Artemis Fowl. These fake book titles are a play on the original books they were named after.

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Harry Potter Spoof, Day 15

Top hat as an icon for magic (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And here, we have the long-awaited meeting between Harry Moffer and Halfus Snibblepore…

Snibblepore claims to have knowledge of everything the kids have done in school, but in reality, he didn’t even know about the restricted section in the library, nor does he know that Silch had been mistreating the students. He refuses to fire Silch.

Harry forces the truth about his parents’ deaths out of Snibblepore, and he claims that there was a second baby who was with the Moffer family the night that Hames and Linny Moffer were killed, but no one knows if Harry had a brother or not. Harry swears to get his revenge.

That evening, the Grim Trio faces Jill, who is trying to break into the Third Building. She defeats them easily and claims that Harry is responsible for the death of her grandfather, Paumer.

Just then, Professor Wom Dibble is seen with a fake version of the Magician’s Crystal. Snibblepore had hidden the real crystal in a safe place. Dibble accuses Harry of ruining his life; he was once known as a stage magician named Gourd Maldycart until the accident that killed Harry’s parents destroyed his life and career.

Jill attacks the Grim Trio and humiliates them as Dibble continues to complain about his lost career. Jill puts her foot down when Dibble wishes to kill Harry and destroys the Third Building.

And that’s how this chapter ends.

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Harry Potter Spoof, Day 14

Crystal Ball (Photo credit: Jeffrey Beall)

We find our heroes having to make amends with Jill and facing the school after their stint in the Sand Dunes. (but who am I kidding; there will be NO reconciliation here!) Also, someone else is attempting to go after the Magician’s Crystal, but I won’t say who. That’ll give away the story.

To start, Jill lays into the trio for not calling for help while they were trapped in the sand dunes, but that’s the least of their problems. There is still the matter of the Magician’s Crystal and Snibblepore’s warning regarding the Third Building: “And a word from the mayor of this town regarding his last tour of Warthogpox High a few months ago: he says that the third building is strictly out of bounds for anyone who doesn’t want to suffer an unfortunate death.”

That rule is about to be broken, no thanks to Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde.

Anyway, the Grim Trio, still not attending classes, cause even more trouble when they inadvertently break into a closet and find all kinds of magical objects that Silch had confiscated from many students. Pun believes that this was a conspiracy to hide the city’s magical origins and Harry believes that the magical material might provide answers to questions regarding the deaths of his parents.

Thus, we have a confrontation between Harry Moffer and Halfus Snibblepore.

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