Rebooting the Story That Made No Sense

The Hall at Christ Church in Oxford, England.

The Hall at Christ Church in Oxford, England. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This year, I intend to give this story a much-needed makeover. But instead of just another Harry Potter rewrite, I’m going to have an original idea regarding Tyler Potter and the show that he was ripped from.

Plus, this story might make you rethink the way you see orphaned characters in general.

Here we go.


Ideas To Explore in a Next-Gen/Future Harry Potter Story or Roleplay –

via Ideas To Explore in a Next-Gen/Future Harry Potter Story or Roleplay –

I found this on Springhole.Net and decided that this could be useful for when you want to do a Harry Potter story set in the future(or maybe not)

Harry Potter’s story takes place during the 1990s. But we want to write a future story. But according to the article, this could be a problem for the following reasons:

  1. You can’t bring your Smartphone into Hogwarts. OR you can use magic to make your Smartphone work. No matter what, there are no Muggle-made devices allowed at Hogwarts. (Or wizards could ban Muggle things altogether.)
  2. Secrecy is harder, as Muggles could film someone doing magic with their Smartphones and upload the video onto YouTube.
  3. Muggle-born wizards and witches’ lives are ruined by Hogwarts (plus, going to Hogwarts compromises said Muggle-born’s future in the Muggle world)
  4. Even better, Muggles seem to have it easier than wizards; since Muggles are technologically advanced and wizards are a century and a half behind.

Maybe that’ll discourage you from writing Harry Potter next generation fanfiction, or at least make you rethink the world of Harry Potter altogether. (I was already rethinking Harry Potter long before this list came out.)

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The Story is Decided…

anti-Harry Potter stamp

anti-Harry Potter stamp (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

OK, I’ve kept you all in suspense long enough.

And the 2013 NaNoWriMo novel is going to be…Janette Lennox!

I know you’re all staring at me, as if I had suddenly grew extra nails where I should have fingers, but hear me out. The summary is as follows: in an homage to “Harry Potter” and other magical stories set in Britain, a girl is sent to the Garmaris School of Alchemy and Magic and goes on a magical adventure.

I can hear you saying, “Enough with the Harry Potter ripoffs!” But let me say this: The story is the story that J.K. Rowling should have written, and Harry Potter should have been a girl. I’m also getting rid of the silliness that plagued the Harry Potter books, preferring to inject some degree of realism into the story. There will be no fairytale abusive relatives or hotheaded incompetent dark lords or even the study of witchcraft (FYI, you CAN write a magical story without witchcraft or sorcery) in this story.

I’ll be knocking that story into place soon in preparation for writing the story on November 1, 2013.

Ari Pokker & the Evils of Magic

The following story is based off the comic Hairy Polarity and the Self-Mocking Fundie Satire by Tim Todd

This short story was written by Jeana Sollman in the story “Harry Potter Destroyed My Town” and there was a huge uproar over the fact that the Harry Potter books were treated as a guidebook for witchcraft and it offended scores of Harry Potter fans living in Nander Castle, Nevada.

Here’s what the story is about:

10-year-old Ari Pokker is a huge fan of science fiction and fantasy books, namely the Hanny Polanny books. The books were written by a man named M. G. Sullins. His friends Mimsie Langer and Joy Umber are also huge fans of Hanny Polanny.

One day, Ari’s parents, John and Lucy, tell Ari that he needs to stop hanging out with Mimsie and to find some Christian friends. They also do not approve of the Hanny Polanny books, as they and several other Christians had read the books and found out that the books were promoting witchcraft instead of enjoyment of reading. Ari protests against this and sneaks off to the bookstore, where he meets with Mimsie and Joy. Joy reveals that she and her mother, Inger, had gotten into a fight when she suggests that Joy should stop reading the Hanny Polanny books and start reading Christian-themed books instead.

Mimsie, not to be outdone by her friends, sneaks into the bookstore and the kids discover that M. G. Sullins is about to turn Hanny Polanny into a movie. Joy confronts him about how he was able to write the Hanny Polanny books. He first tries to lie to the kids, but the truth comes out—he was influenced by demons! The demons, angered by the resurgence of Christian-themed fantasy books, forced M. G., then a struggling screenwriter, to write a story about a boy named Hanny Polanny who attends a magical school. The demons then added their brand of evil to the books, which resulted in the books’ popularity, but stirs up controversy from Christians and non-Christians alike.

Joy becomes alarmed and tries to get the others to leave, but then demons come out and attempt to capture the kids. In an effort to save himself and his friends, Ari sets fire to the Hanny Polanny display, which kills the demons and destroys the Hanny Polanny books. The kids escape, but Mimsie is badly hurt and M. G. is killed.

With the death of M. G. Sullins and the destruction of the Hanny Polanny books, Ari has come to realize that the books were indeed evil and he never should have read them in the first place. He apologizes to his parents for disobeying them. Joy reveals that she persuaded a young author named J. P. Wordling to rewrite the Hanny Polanny books, but to leave out the witchcraft and instead expand the story about Hanny Polanny’s magical adventures.

Also, Mimsie recovers and she too understands that the Hanny Polanny books were evil and she was wrong to read them and also, she never should have snuck Ari and Joy into the bookstore. She decides to become a Christian, as does Joy.

And as the world enjoys a new and improved version of the Hanny Polanny books written by J. P. Wordling, the demons are not happy with being defeated by Ari, Mimsie, and Joy, and they seek to gain revenge on the kids for their defeat…

Hairy Polarity blog post:

Harry Potter Ruined My Life

Whoa, that’s pretty harsh what you went through. I’m just glad that that never happened to me.

Also, I wasn’t a Potterhead in high school, and neither of my friends read the books. (To be honest, nobody in my high school was too big on Harry Potter to begin with.)

Anyway, good essay.

Orange Juice and Toothpaste

When I was eight, I was really good friends with the school librarian. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I was that kid. I had just started wearing glasses; I had also recently quit soccer and, as a result, I was growing a nice little pot belly; and, though this was the age everyone was supposed to like everyone, I was annoying as fuck. Sure, I had my friends, but I was a bossy bitch. (Haha“was.”) So the librarian and I? Best friends.

It had its benefits, though. Sometimes I would ask to go to the bathroom and just visit her instead, and I wouldn’t get into trouble. Because, I mean, hey, who’s gonna punish a kid for wanting to sneak away to the library? I also got first pick of all the new arrivals. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets had just been published, and…

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Top 5: Pre- Harry Potter Reads

This list is for those of you who think that the Harry Potter books are too intense for your children, or if you don’t want your children to read the books.

Rarest Kind of Best

As I wrote yesterday, Harry Potter books (and movies) can be pretty scary and intense for younger children. If your child is intrigued by magic and fantasy, but you’re not certain she or he is quite ready for Hogwarts, here are a few fantasy titles they may be more comfortable with.

(Click on the titles to see full reviews.)

Top 5: Beginner Fantasy Chapter Books


1. The Cuckoo Clock by Mrs. Molesworth – age 5+

A very sedate and old-fashioned (1877) story about a girl who visits some magical places and learns to behave herself a little better.

2. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum – age 5+

Quite different from the movie – a rambling, weird tale with a few scares and dustups along the way. (NB. some violence: see full review.)

3. Half Magic by Edward Eager – age 5+

One of…

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Harry Potter Spoof, Day 3

Tyler Potter

Tyler Potter (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

Today’s chapter will be called Off to Warthogpox High.

You can guess what happens to Harry in this chapter.

He gets taken to Wyvernwing, Pennsylvania, which is the “worst town in the entire United States of America“. Immediately, Harry is sent to his new foster family, the MacLeans, and they aren’t too welcoming. Harry forces Tafrin to tell him the truth about his parents’ deaths, but the big guy doesn’t want to talk about it.

Plus, I got rid of the “cruel relatives” cliche that seemed to plague the original Harry Potter books. Except that the Dourfeys weren’t cruel, they weren’t suitable guardians for Harry at all. But Harry will have to deal with them later on in the story.

But for now, let’s leave this chapter be.

Before I begin the parody…

Here’s a message from the writer of this book:

While the authentic series may be good (or not, according to your opinion), this book is without question hilarious. This badly written story contains jokes that will offend even the biggest Harry Potter fan and enough mature topics to scare off any 10-year-old who picks this book up while thinking that this is the next part of the original Harry Potter series. Everything magic has been cut out and retweaked in order to make this story appear to be less realistic, every 4th word was removed, and was produced using cheap paper and bad ink.

Additionally, this book was written in a matter of days as opposed to weeks, months, or years that the original series has been written. In short, this book exists only to poke fun at everything Harry Potter related. Plus, it was written solely to make some quick money.

A MESSAGE FROM JACQUEL ROMANOV: Oh heck no; Don’t you dare put me in this story! This story absolutely sucks!

A MESSAGE FROM ADAM WILKINS: Don’t even think about putting me and this pile of crap together in the same sentence. This book is stupid!

A MESSAGE FROM YOUR LOCAL CHURCH: We have condemned the Harry Potter books for its blatant use of witchcraft and dark magic, but as far as we know, this parody has nothing of the sort. Therefore, we urge you and all other Christians (as well as people of other faiths who are good) to read this book.

A MESSAGE FROM YOUR 10-YEAR-OLD BROTHER: This is the dumbest book that I have ever read. I hate it. Harry doesn’t go to high school. The writer of this book is a loser.

A MESSAGE FROM A PERSON WHO HATES HARRY POTTER: Finally, a story that doesn’t have any magic in it! Down with Potter! Harry Moffer rules!

And now for one more warning:

The book that you are holding in your hands does NOT contain any traces of magic at all. There is no wizarding world, no magic spells, and certainly no use of witchcraft. This is a story about a boy who attends a normal high school in a normal town. By the time that you have realized this, I have just destroyed the greatest thing that your childhood has produced. You’re welcome.

Harry Potter: Destiny Unfulfilled Review

anti-Harry Potter stamp

anti-Harry Potter stamp (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

OK, so I have taken to reading this analysis and I must admit that the person had the right idea when they wrote it, as Harry Potter did NOT live up to his potential, both as a hero and as a book series.

The essay analyzes all the Harry Potter books and talks about what’s wrong with them, and what should be changed to make the books better. Believe you me, a rewrite of the Harry Potter books is badly needed.

Before I reveal too much, here’s what I have to say about the book:

And so, we have reached the end of this essay. Hopefully, I’ll be using it when I’m writing my alternative Harry Potter fan fiction, aptly called “Harry Potter Redux”.

I’m actually glad that I took the time to actually read the essay, since my decision to stop being a Harry Potter fan was rather abrupt and too soon for my liking. I had to really sit down and wonder how and why I ever began reading the Harry Potter books in the first place. It wasn’t that the series was cliched and repetitive, but it felt poorly written and too rushed for my liking. As a person who reads mainly fantasy, the Harry Potter books was a step backward for me in those terms.

I really hope that the series can be rewritten and made better. I want to see Harry as a real hero (not just the title), Dumbledore as a mentor, and a real villain because Voldemort just doesn’t cover it. *SIGH*

Well, the books could have been worse.

And here’s my (official) review:

What a great and wonderful essay about the Harry Potter books. I’m glad that I have read it and learned about where Harry Potter succeeded and failed. I hope to take what I have learned from the book and apply it to my alternative Harry Potter fan fiction, aptly called “Harry Potter Redux”. I really hope that one day, the series can be rewritten and made better. I want to see Harry as a real hero (not just the title), Dumbledore as a mentor, and a real villain because Voldemort just doesn’t cover it.

So there you have it. I think everyone who is a Harry Potter fan or loves fantasy or is studying English in college reads this book so that they can learn about how the Harry Potter phenomenon crashed and burned to the ground.

Barry Trotter (another Harry Potter parody)

Just who is Barry Trotter, anyway?

Barry Trotter is a Harry Potter parody written by satirist Michael Gerber. In fact, he has written three Harry Potter parodies. They are as follows: Barry Trotter and The Shameless Parody, Barry Trotter and the Unnecessary Sequel, and Barry Trotter and the Dead Horse.

The Barry Trotter series not only pokes fun at Harry Potter, but it also pokes fun at so many other things as well. I suggest that you read these books ONLY if you love parodies. Plus, you can read some of Mr. Gerber’s other parodies, which are just as silly as the Barry Trotter books.


And of course you can buy the Barry Trotter books from