This “Harry Potter” theory is the most lonely and sad one yet

I have always believed that Harry must have made the whole story up in his head. I mean, what other explanation is there? Harry Potter was a story of a boy who liked to pretend that he was a famous wizard living with cruel and abusive relatives who shoved him into a closet under the stairs.

That seems to make more sense than some of the other Harry Potter theories out there.

I wonder who else believes this theory. If you do, please comment below. Thank you for reading this blog post.


Rebooting the Story That Made No Sense

The Hall at Christ Church in Oxford, England.

The Hall at Christ Church in Oxford, England. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This year, I intend to give this story a much-needed makeover. But instead of just another Harry Potter rewrite, I’m going to have an original idea regarding Tyler Potter and the show that he was ripped from.

Plus, this story might make you rethink the way you see orphaned characters in general.

Here we go.

Why ‘Harry Potter’ Is Based on a Terrible Decision

Greystone shot on Crack.Com

Greystone shot on Crack.Com (Photo credit: Forsaken Fotos)

via Why ‘Harry Potter’ Is Based on a Terrible Decision

As much as we love the mythology of Harry Potter, it doesn’t take more than five seconds of thought to realize that no 11-year-old kid would leave his family to live with a giant man-stranger presenting warm cake and promises of magic times ahead. Not even an abused orphan would take that pedo-bait.

This starts off the article, courtesy of humor site Mainly, the article is about Harry Potter giving magic the middle finger and moving to America in a series of short movies.

But let’s go back to the main part of the article: why would an 11-year-old boy accept an invitation to some magical school?

Let’s go back and remember that children can easily go missing at any time and not be missed until it’s too late. The concept doubles if the child is a victim of abuse, such as Harry here.

Let’s say that Harry goes off with the strange man and within a few weeks of him disappearing with the stranger, his body is found lying in a ditch somewhere. (I know it’s sad, but I know it’s also realistic. Just go with it.) What do you think the Dursleys are going to tell the police when they are questioned about Harry’s disappearance? “Uh, he went off with some giant-man who talked about a magical school?”

Yeah, like that’s going to work with the cops.

Then push comes to shove and before you know what’s happening, they are arrested for child abuse and Dudley is sent to a foster home.

There you have it, folks. Harry potter was a victim of kidnapping and now he’s dead. There is no Hogwarts, he was not a famous wizards with gazillions of fans. He was famous simply for being a murder victim.

Yeah, what a sad ending to a big story.

Now, tell this one to your kids.

Kids, no matter if you want to learn about magic, NEVER go off with a stranger (not even if you’re an abuse victim). You will end up dead or suffer a worse fate.

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Ideas To Explore in a Next-Gen/Future Harry Potter Story or Roleplay –

via Ideas To Explore in a Next-Gen/Future Harry Potter Story or Roleplay –

I found this on Springhole.Net and decided that this could be useful for when you want to do a Harry Potter story set in the future(or maybe not)

Harry Potter’s story takes place during the 1990s. But we want to write a future story. But according to the article, this could be a problem for the following reasons:

  1. You can’t bring your Smartphone into Hogwarts. OR you can use magic to make your Smartphone work. No matter what, there are no Muggle-made devices allowed at Hogwarts. (Or wizards could ban Muggle things altogether.)
  2. Secrecy is harder, as Muggles could film someone doing magic with their Smartphones and upload the video onto YouTube.
  3. Muggle-born wizards and witches’ lives are ruined by Hogwarts (plus, going to Hogwarts compromises said Muggle-born’s future in the Muggle world)
  4. Even better, Muggles seem to have it easier than wizards; since Muggles are technologically advanced and wizards are a century and a half behind.

Maybe that’ll discourage you from writing Harry Potter next generation fanfiction, or at least make you rethink the world of Harry Potter altogether. (I was already rethinking Harry Potter long before this list came out.)

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The Story is Decided…

anti-Harry Potter stamp

anti-Harry Potter stamp (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

OK, I’ve kept you all in suspense long enough.

And the 2013 NaNoWriMo novel is going to be…Janette Lennox!

I know you’re all staring at me, as if I had suddenly grew extra nails where I should have fingers, but hear me out. The summary is as follows: in an homage to “Harry Potter” and other magical stories set in Britain, a girl is sent to the Garmaris School of Alchemy and Magic and goes on a magical adventure.

I can hear you saying, “Enough with the Harry Potter ripoffs!” But let me say this: The story is the story that J.K. Rowling should have written, and Harry Potter should have been a girl. I’m also getting rid of the silliness that plagued the Harry Potter books, preferring to inject some degree of realism into the story. There will be no fairytale abusive relatives or hotheaded incompetent dark lords or even the study of witchcraft (FYI, you CAN write a magical story without witchcraft or sorcery) in this story.

I’ll be knocking that story into place soon in preparation for writing the story on November 1, 2013.

The Other NaNoWriMo Story

The story I wrote for 2010 NaNoWriMo is called Harry Potter SucksA Novel for those who have had it with the Harry Potter Phenomenon and the Hype that it caused. In this story, a young boy describes his town’s obsession with Harry Potter and what happened when that obsession led to murder of a high-profile Harry Potter fanatic.

Daniel Dickens is an avid reader of anything fantasy-related, but he isn’t a huge fan of Harry Potter (In fact, he never got past the first books). His family doesn’t like Harry Potter and they try to control how many fantasy books are allowed in their house. The cit where the Dickens family lives is obsessed with Harry Potter, even to the point of shutting out other books.It doesn’t help that there were laws made so that only the Harry Potter books were to be read.

Meanwhile, Daniel’s next-door neighbor, an older boy named Adam Wilkins, is being exploited by his foster family by being forced to star in a homemade movie about Harry Potter. Adam’s disappearance leads to rumors about his death and Daniel’s recruitment into the movie. But Daniel’s resistance leads to the entire town to admit its problems and being forced to clean up its act.


  • Last Chapter written: Chapter 11 completed; total 15 chapters plus prologue and epilogue
  • Finished: no
  • words written: 30,429
  • Story renamed as How Harry Potter Ruined My Town

Why is the story not finished: story needs re-editing and chapter 12 needs to be completed. Story to be finished at a later date.

Ari Pokker & the Evils of Magic

The following story is based off the comic Hairy Polarity and the Self-Mocking Fundie Satire by Tim Todd

This short story was written by Jeana Sollman in the story “Harry Potter Destroyed My Town” and there was a huge uproar over the fact that the Harry Potter books were treated as a guidebook for witchcraft and it offended scores of Harry Potter fans living in Nander Castle, Nevada.

Here’s what the story is about:

10-year-old Ari Pokker is a huge fan of science fiction and fantasy books, namely the Hanny Polanny books. The books were written by a man named M. G. Sullins. His friends Mimsie Langer and Joy Umber are also huge fans of Hanny Polanny.

One day, Ari’s parents, John and Lucy, tell Ari that he needs to stop hanging out with Mimsie and to find some Christian friends. They also do not approve of the Hanny Polanny books, as they and several other Christians had read the books and found out that the books were promoting witchcraft instead of enjoyment of reading. Ari protests against this and sneaks off to the bookstore, where he meets with Mimsie and Joy. Joy reveals that she and her mother, Inger, had gotten into a fight when she suggests that Joy should stop reading the Hanny Polanny books and start reading Christian-themed books instead.

Mimsie, not to be outdone by her friends, sneaks into the bookstore and the kids discover that M. G. Sullins is about to turn Hanny Polanny into a movie. Joy confronts him about how he was able to write the Hanny Polanny books. He first tries to lie to the kids, but the truth comes out—he was influenced by demons! The demons, angered by the resurgence of Christian-themed fantasy books, forced M. G., then a struggling screenwriter, to write a story about a boy named Hanny Polanny who attends a magical school. The demons then added their brand of evil to the books, which resulted in the books’ popularity, but stirs up controversy from Christians and non-Christians alike.

Joy becomes alarmed and tries to get the others to leave, but then demons come out and attempt to capture the kids. In an effort to save himself and his friends, Ari sets fire to the Hanny Polanny display, which kills the demons and destroys the Hanny Polanny books. The kids escape, but Mimsie is badly hurt and M. G. is killed.

With the death of M. G. Sullins and the destruction of the Hanny Polanny books, Ari has come to realize that the books were indeed evil and he never should have read them in the first place. He apologizes to his parents for disobeying them. Joy reveals that she persuaded a young author named J. P. Wordling to rewrite the Hanny Polanny books, but to leave out the witchcraft and instead expand the story about Hanny Polanny’s magical adventures.

Also, Mimsie recovers and she too understands that the Hanny Polanny books were evil and she was wrong to read them and also, she never should have snuck Ari and Joy into the bookstore. She decides to become a Christian, as does Joy.

And as the world enjoys a new and improved version of the Hanny Polanny books written by J. P. Wordling, the demons are not happy with being defeated by Ari, Mimsie, and Joy, and they seek to gain revenge on the kids for their defeat…

Hairy Polarity blog post:

Ring the Bells, Bang the Drums! It’s that time again!

Harry Botter

Harry Botter (Photo credit: Jenn and Tony Bot)

Now that I have your attention, I’m happy to report that this is the four-year anniversary of this blog. And since we’re on that topic, I’m happy to say that the story “This Story Makes No Sense” will be starting back up again, but instead of a Harry Potter parody, I’m taking this story in the opposite direction.

After a summer filled with alternative fan fiction and blog posts that contained people complaining about how the Harry Potter books ruined their lives, we’re getting back into the swing of things by having the bloggers talk about how their lives were influenced by Harry Potter and what they could have done differently if someone handed them the Harry Potter books. I know that there are scores of people out there who have never heard of Harry Potter and we need to keep it that way. The Harry Potter phenomenon has outstayed its welcome and it’s time for the franchise to die so that other franchises can take its place.

With that, we go into another new era, where Harry Potter (and his fans) will be dragged through the mud and bashed while poking fun at them. Here we go!

Harry Potter Ruined My Life

Whoa, that’s pretty harsh what you went through. I’m just glad that that never happened to me.

Also, I wasn’t a Potterhead in high school, and neither of my friends read the books. (To be honest, nobody in my high school was too big on Harry Potter to begin with.)

Anyway, good essay.

Orange Juice and Toothpaste

When I was eight, I was really good friends with the school librarian. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I was that kid. I had just started wearing glasses; I had also recently quit soccer and, as a result, I was growing a nice little pot belly; and, though this was the age everyone was supposed to like everyone, I was annoying as fuck. Sure, I had my friends, but I was a bossy bitch. (Haha“was.”) So the librarian and I? Best friends.

It had its benefits, though. Sometimes I would ask to go to the bathroom and just visit her instead, and I wouldn’t get into trouble. Because, I mean, hey, who’s gonna punish a kid for wanting to sneak away to the library? I also got first pick of all the new arrivals. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets had just been published, and…

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SparkLife » How (And Why) They Should Remake The Harry Potter Movies

via SparkLife » How (And Why) They Should Remake The Harry Potter Movies.

I think that this article is right in terms of making the Harry Potter movies. But I do have some issues with the following:

  • The books: I’m a big book reader, and the Harry Potter books almost ruined that for me. Plus, I have very little patience for giant books that could easily pass for encyclopedias. (In the case of Game of Thrones, I would beg to differ.)
  • Who wants another book-to-movie translation? Several book series have succeeded in this venture, but for some reason, Harry Potter seems to fall by the wayside. In order to correct this, we should take out everything that didn’t make any sense in the books (I’m talking about the Quidditch) and instead, introduce a story about a boy who must face the man who killed his parents. (Heck, we should also take out the magic as well, but that’s for another blog post.)
  • What if Hogwarts was more like high school than a useless magical academy? (That would be great!)

Until we can freely admit that the Harry Potter movies were mediocre and the books weren’t all that great, we’ll be stuck with a collection of DVDs that we wish we could get rid of.