Worst 100 Harry Potter Spin-offs of All Time – Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

via Worst 100 Harry Potter Spin-offs of All Time – Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

From Wikipedia’s annoying little brother, Uncyclopedia, we have a list of really stupid Harry Potter-like spin-offs that you should(n’t) read. Yet, none of these offending books actually exist, so there you have it.

Anyway, enjoy the list.

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Why ‘Harry Potter’ Is Based on a Terrible Decision

Greystone shot on Crack.Com

Greystone shot on Crack.Com (Photo credit: Forsaken Fotos)

via Why ‘Harry Potter’ Is Based on a Terrible Decision

As much as we love the mythology of Harry Potter, it doesn’t take more than five seconds of thought to realize that no 11-year-old kid would leave his family to live with a giant man-stranger presenting warm cake and promises of magic times ahead. Not even an abused orphan would take that pedo-bait.

This starts off the article, courtesy of humor site Cracked.com. Mainly, the article is about Harry Potter giving magic the middle finger and moving to America in a series of short movies.

But let’s go back to the main part of the article: why would an 11-year-old boy accept an invitation to some magical school?

Let’s go back and remember that children can easily go missing at any time and not be missed until it’s too late. The concept doubles if the child is a victim of abuse, such as Harry here.

Let’s say that Harry goes off with the strange man and within a few weeks of him disappearing with the stranger, his body is found lying in a ditch somewhere. (I know it’s sad, but I know it’s also realistic. Just go with it.) What do you think the Dursleys are going to tell the police when they are questioned about Harry’s disappearance? “Uh, he went off with some giant-man who talked about a magical school?”

Yeah, like that’s going to work with the cops.

Then push comes to shove and before you know what’s happening, they are arrested for child abuse and Dudley is sent to a foster home.

There you have it, folks. Harry potter was a victim of kidnapping and now he’s dead. There is no Hogwarts, he was not a famous wizards with gazillions of fans. He was famous simply for being a murder victim.

Yeah, what a sad ending to a big story.

Now, tell this one to your kids.

Kids, no matter if you want to learn about magic, NEVER go off with a stranger (not even if you’re an abuse victim). You will end up dead or suffer a worse fate.

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How Harry Potter Really Ended (Snowglobe Edition)

anti-Harry Potter stamp

anti-Harry Potter stamp (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

(WARNING: this blog post contains the infamous snowglobe ending as it was featured on St. Elsewhere…)

—–

Harry: I’m about to take down Dumbledore. Who’s willing to fight with me?

Jacquel: Well, before I answer that question, there’s something you need to know: you have a horde of angry people standing right behind you.

Harry: Say what now? (He sees Eragon, Arya, Saphira, Charlie Bone, Edward Cullen, Bella Swan, and Artemis Fowl standing behind him) Oh, this bites!

Eragon: Yeah. You’re nothing but a jerk and a loser!

Harry: Well, your story sucks!

Bella: So does yours!

Harry: Well, I never killed Cedric…

Percy Jackson: LIAR!! We all saw what you did in Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire! You killed Cedric and you know it!

Charlie: Get him!!!

(For the next few minutes, the song that was played during the stampede from The Lion King plays as the characters chase after Harry. Ron glares at Jacquel)

Ron: Did you seriously HAVE to resort to this???

Jacquel: Why not? It’s not like anyone would like him anyway.

Ron: Well, I have some bad news: your cousin Sean killed Voldemort.

Jacquel: I knew that would happen.

Hermione: Yeah, it’s all over now.

Sean: Nope! It ain’t over until the fat lady sings! (Just then, a very fat woman shows up and starts singing End of the Line.) Jacquelyn, it’s time for you to say goodbye to Hogwarts and leave now. (Jacquel sighs and goes to her room to pack her things. Just then, her autistic sister, Joanne, shows up and joins her. Snow is seen falling from the sky.)

*****

(The scene switches to a penthouse in present day New York. A woman is sitting in an easy chair. A little girl is sitting on the couch staring into a snowglobe. Just then, a man and a teenage girl walk into the room.)

Irina: So, how was your day, you two?

Arexus: We finally finished editing the seventh issue of Fantasy & Science Fiction Weekly today. I’m beat. (flops onto a chair)

Jacquelyn: Well, I have to make up a fantasy story for English class. Right now, I’m fighting with John Kelvin Rollins; he wants me to put witchcraft in my story. When is he going to learn that witchcraft is bad and witchcraft is wrong?

Irina: I think we need to have a chat with that boy’s parents. He’s out of control. Now, go wash yourselves up; dinner is ready. (She goes into the kitchen to make the plates. Jacquelyn follows her. Arexus goes to fetch Joanne.)

Arexus: Joanne, it’s time for dinner. Let’s put that snowglobe away and get some food, OK? (Joanne looks up from the snowglobe and stares at Arexus.) You know something, Rina?

Irina: What is it, Rex?

Arexus: I’m never going to understand this autism, Rina. We try to talk to Joanne, but she never seems to hear us. She just sits there in her own little world, staring at that snowglobe all day long. What is she thinking about?

Irina: We’ll make an appointment with Dr. Jensen tomorrow. (Takes snowglobe from Joanna.) Now, let’s have dinner. (She takes Joanne and they go into the kitchen. Arexus puts the snowglobe on the highest shelf on the bookcase and leaves. Inside the snowglobe is a replica of Hogwarts. Just then, the camera slowly pans around the Ritterwolf family and settles on a tiny kitten sitting on a nearby table. The kitten lets out a triumphant meow.)

The End!!!

~~~~~

Now, I know you’re all wondering why I ended this story the way I did, but I had to find a way to end the story without ruining the story altogether.

The fact that scores of characters from other series don’t like Harry Potter isn’t anything to laugh about, but it’s true. (Besides, why would you want to write a story about how Harry getting along with those other characters in the first place?)

And now for some questions that I know that you’ll all be asking me:

Why did Ron and Hermione bail on Harry?

Good question. The reason why they bailed on him was that after seven years of hanging out with Harry, you’d think that Ron and Hermione would stick by him. But realistically, I’m not too sure if they would want to, given the way that he was raised and isolated from the world until he turned 11 years old, I’m kind of not sure if I would stay friends with him, let alone them. Harry has either yelled at everyone or shut them out, two factors that cause me to drop a friendship. I mean, Harry does become a bully in later books.

So, who really killed Lord Voldemort?

Uh, did you not read the last part of the story?

I thought that Jacquelyn was an orphan and she never had any siblings! Who is Joanne and why is she here?

Well, maybe I chose not to include everything about Jacquelyn. Nobody has to know EVERYTHING about her.

So, you’ve implied that the entire Harry Potter Series took place in Joanne’s head. Were you trying to pull a Tommy Westphall moment?

Well, I’m glad you noticed that.

And what was with the rivalry between Jacquelyn and that one student?

That harkens back to the days when Harry Potter was accused of promoting witchcraft.

And why the meowing cat at the end of the story?

Interesting you should ask, because I have a story regarding the cat.

As we all know, there was once a cat called Mimsie. She was the mascot of MTM Enterprises as a parody of the famous MGM lion. She was featured at the end credits of various TV shows, such as The Mary Tyler Moore Show, St. Elsewhere, Hill Street Blues, and Newhart.

But in the year 1988, after the controversial series finale of St. Elsewhere, the cat was flatlined at the end of the closing credits and it died. That act angered millions of people, especially cat owners, and NBC was hit by millions of angry letters regarding that tasteless joke.

And the ending of this story with the family cat meowing in the end is a sign that Mimsie will return to rule the world once again. (And you wonder why cats rule the Internet)

Now you know.

Look for another blog post tomorrow.

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Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever book trailer

Here is the trailer for my book, Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever, which is currently available on Amazon.com:

Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever book trailer

Here’s the trailer for my Harry Potter parody “Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever“.

The summary: The story is nothing more than a full-on parody of the Harry Potter books, but this time, all references to magic are removed and replaced with nothing more than blatant realism. 14-year-old Harry Hames Moffer is an orphan living with his paranoid relatives when he is invited to attend Warthogpox High School. Harry meets Pun Teasley and Hildegarde Lamer, and they investigate the unpopular Larry Dobber books, which Honnyword could turn into a movie if they don’t act fast.

Link to book on Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/416066

NaNoWriMo 2013 story

The boarding school at sunset. Several dormito...

The boarding school at sunset. Several dormitories, a kitchen, and dining room are visible. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Here is my story for NaNoWriMo 2013: Janette Lennox!

Summary:

This thrilling new fantasy series features 14-year-old Janette Lennox, a girl who doesn’t seem to fit in with the children at her church boarding school. Janette would rather hide in the school library and read books about magic, unaware that she herself is part of a secret magical legacy.

Janette is shocked when a wizard comes to take her away from her home and brings her to the famed school Garmaris School of Alchemy and Magic. There, Janette learns that her parents, who had vanished ten years earlier, had been among those who stole the famed Book of Magic from the wicked Gray Witch during the Magical Wars.

Janette finds herself facing a difficult challenge – finding the Book of Magic and protecting it. She plunges herself into the task of searching for the book with an unlikely group of companions. But she has no idea that the Book of Magic is the least of her concerns. A group of powerful witches are determined to find the book and seize the world as their own, and are willing to stop at nothing in order to see her fail. The young spellcaster soon finds herself fighting against overwhelming odds – and the fate of her school (and the rest of the world) hangs in the balance!

How Janette outwits her merciless enemies makes an exciting story, packed with thrilling action, magic, and humor.

Well, I guess I better hop to it; this story isn’t going to write itself!

Ari Pokker & the Evils of Magic

The following story is based off the comic Hairy Polarity and the Self-Mocking Fundie Satire by Tim Todd

This short story was written by Jeana Sollman in the story “Harry Potter Destroyed My Town” and there was a huge uproar over the fact that the Harry Potter books were treated as a guidebook for witchcraft and it offended scores of Harry Potter fans living in Nander Castle, Nevada.

Here’s what the story is about:

10-year-old Ari Pokker is a huge fan of science fiction and fantasy books, namely the Hanny Polanny books. The books were written by a man named M. G. Sullins. His friends Mimsie Langer and Joy Umber are also huge fans of Hanny Polanny.

One day, Ari’s parents, John and Lucy, tell Ari that he needs to stop hanging out with Mimsie and to find some Christian friends. They also do not approve of the Hanny Polanny books, as they and several other Christians had read the books and found out that the books were promoting witchcraft instead of enjoyment of reading. Ari protests against this and sneaks off to the bookstore, where he meets with Mimsie and Joy. Joy reveals that she and her mother, Inger, had gotten into a fight when she suggests that Joy should stop reading the Hanny Polanny books and start reading Christian-themed books instead.

Mimsie, not to be outdone by her friends, sneaks into the bookstore and the kids discover that M. G. Sullins is about to turn Hanny Polanny into a movie. Joy confronts him about how he was able to write the Hanny Polanny books. He first tries to lie to the kids, but the truth comes out—he was influenced by demons! The demons, angered by the resurgence of Christian-themed fantasy books, forced M. G., then a struggling screenwriter, to write a story about a boy named Hanny Polanny who attends a magical school. The demons then added their brand of evil to the books, which resulted in the books’ popularity, but stirs up controversy from Christians and non-Christians alike.

Joy becomes alarmed and tries to get the others to leave, but then demons come out and attempt to capture the kids. In an effort to save himself and his friends, Ari sets fire to the Hanny Polanny display, which kills the demons and destroys the Hanny Polanny books. The kids escape, but Mimsie is badly hurt and M. G. is killed.

With the death of M. G. Sullins and the destruction of the Hanny Polanny books, Ari has come to realize that the books were indeed evil and he never should have read them in the first place. He apologizes to his parents for disobeying them. Joy reveals that she persuaded a young author named J. P. Wordling to rewrite the Hanny Polanny books, but to leave out the witchcraft and instead expand the story about Hanny Polanny’s magical adventures.

Also, Mimsie recovers and she too understands that the Hanny Polanny books were evil and she was wrong to read them and also, she never should have snuck Ari and Joy into the bookstore. She decides to become a Christian, as does Joy.

And as the world enjoys a new and improved version of the Hanny Polanny books written by J. P. Wordling, the demons are not happy with being defeated by Ari, Mimsie, and Joy, and they seek to gain revenge on the kids for their defeat…

Hairy Polarity blog post: https://theblogthatmadenosense.wordpress.com/2013/05/13/hairy-polarity-and-the-sinister-sorcery-satire/

Another Way to End Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone

(based on the alternative ending to The Story That Made No Sense)

Harry walked through the door and into a small room. He saw a small table in the middle of the room and on the table was the stone. The famed Sorcerer’s Stone. That stone that he had been looking for for several weeks. He reached out to touch the stone when a hand stopped him.

Professor Snape?” Harry cried out as he turned to face the man. “No, no; it can’t be! It just can’t be!” Professor Snape frowned as he looked at the boy.

“What are you doing here, Harry Potter?” Professor Snape snapped in anger.

“Ron, Hermione and I all thought that someone was going to steal the Sorcerer’s Stone, so that’s why I came here,” said Harry.

“Indeed,” said Professor Snape.

Just then, there was a muffled scream, and Professor McGonagall and Professor Vector came out, with Professor Quirrell between them. He was bound hand and foot.

“Professor McGonagall?” Harry squeaked, but the old woman glared at him. “We caught Professor Quirrell trying to sneak into the Third Floor Corridor,” she said.

“How did you—” Harry began, but she continued, “I saw Filch dragging young Neville Longbottom around the school and demanded an explanation. When Neville mentioned that Professor Quirrell was going to steal the stone and you and your friends were going to stop him, we had to take action.”

Harry gasped as he saw Hermione and Ron, standing with several other teachers. Professor Dumbledore was among the teachers. He said, “Thank you for alerting me to the situation, young Harry. If it weren’t for you kids, we might not have known that Professor Quirrell was trying to steal the Stone from the school.”

“So what’s going to happen now?” Harry cried out.

“First, Professor Quirrell’s going to be spending a few long years in prison and we’re going to put the Sorcerer’s Stone in a place where it will never be found,” said Dumbledore.

“But what about Nicolas Flamel,” said Harry. “He might want it back!”

“Indeed,” said Dumbledore. “All the same, we must put it away so that it cannot be found and used for evil. I shall speak with him about this. And you kids should go back to bed and get some rest.”

“About the stone,” Harry wondered. “What about the stone granting eternal life?”

“The story about the stone granting immortal life is nothing more than a myth,” said the old wizard. “In the old days, seeking immortality was a crime punishable by death in the wizarding world.”

McGonagall said, “And had Quirrell gotten to it before we did, it would be nothing short of a disaster, one that not even Albus himself would be able to stop. Now, let’s finish this business, as we have more important things to take care of.”

***

Within a few hours, Harry found himself facing his friends in the Great Hall. The whole school looked at him with suspicion. Professor Quirrell was not there; Dumbledore had told everyone that Quirrell had been arrested for stealing the Sorcerer’s Stone.

Dumbledore then said, “I have some awards to give out. For using logic to solve the most complex of problems, I hereby present this medal to Hermione Granger!” A few scattered applauses filled the hall, coming mainly from the Gryffindor students, as nobody really liked Hermione, save for Harry and Ron. Hermione frowned as she went to get her medal.

Dumbledore then said, “For solving one of the world’s toughest riddles, I hereby present this medal to Ron Weasley!” The applause was more clustered coming mainly from the Gryffindor students, especially the Weasleys, but then again, nobody really liked Ron. He smiled as he went to get his medal.

The old headmaster said, “The next medal goes to he who showed love and bravery in the face of a dangerous enemy and prevented a disaster. I award this medal to Harry James Potter!” This time, everyone in the Great Hall cheered as Harry rushed forward to claim his medal. He had never gotten rewarded for anything in his life and that win was worth more to him than anything in the world. For now, that is.

But it was not over yet, for Dumbledore then said, “It’s not enough for us to stand up to those who are our enemies, but sometimes we must also stand up to our friends as well. I hereby recognize Neville Longbottom for his efforts.” The applause was now thunderous and everyone clapped Neville on his back. Neville was touched; no one liked him and so far no one cared to become his friend. But Harry Potter became his friend and that was all that mattered.

Draco slammed down his wizarding hat in disgust. So did the other Slytherins. Draco hated Harry since Day 1 and the fact that Harry was famous made his blood boil. So did being in Gryffindor and refusing to befriend him. Draco threw Harry a hateful look and left the Great Hall.

But Harry didn’t care; he was just living in the moment. Ron, Hermione, and even Neville beamed with excitement. Everyone cheered for their hero, not knowing that tomorrow would be heartbreaking for poor little Harry. He would have to go back to the Dursleys in the morning.

Harry stood at the train station the next day. He was talking to Hagrid. Hagrid said, “You don’t look too happy, Harry. I wonder why.”

“I don’t want to go back to the Dursleys,” said Harry. Hagrid stared at him. “They don’t treat me right, and I highly doubt if they would be willing to allow me to leave their house now, let alone attend Hogwarts or any other school.” Harry began to cry. “I just want to be a normal boy and be loved.”

Hagrid hugged him, frowning as he realized where Harry was going to end up. Back at the Dursleys. Back to the Muggles who mistreated him. He would not allow this. Why Dumbledore was sending him back there, he would never know.

He said, “Don’t worry, I’ll get in touch with Minerva and see if she wants to keep you at her mansion for the summer. Over her dead body will you return to the Dursleys.”

Harry sighed as he waved goodbye to Ron and Hermione as the train left the station. He knew that he was going to have a better summer than the summer that he had had before Hagrid arrived. Hedwig glanced at him and he nodded, knowing that for the first time in his life, things were certainly looking up for him now.

The End!!!

How to end the Harry Potter series

English: Created by modifying this image Itali...

English: Created by modifying this image Italiano: Creata modificando quest’immagine (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Starting today, I am going to begin a 100 blog post segment on this blog, where I find out alternative endings to the Harry Potter books and list them. Nothing will be held back. I will be profiling the fanfics that have the alternative endings and the writers who came up with the ideas.

Plus, I’ll be writing my own endings to the story as well.

Now you know.

Harley Christianson & the Redemption (a Christian Story about Harry Potter)

The following story is based off the short story Henry Shepherd and the Rock of Ages by Richard E. Salisbury.

Also known as the story that offended many Harry Potter fans with its Christian values

This short story was written by Jeana Sollman in the story “Harry Potter Destroyed My Town” and there was a huge uproar over the fact that a Harry Potter-like character converts to Christianity, quits doing magic, dropped out of his Hogwarts-like school, and spends the rest of his life as a Muggle.

In this story, 16-year-old Harley Porter is a student at a magical boarding school. His best friends are Jonathan Nealy and Diana MacArthur. Harley is mostly content with his life, but he is beginning to doubt his place in the world.

He makes a new friend named Jamie Raines, a girl who introduces him to a man named Joshua Christianson. Joshua was once a wizard before his conversion to Christianity when he was 18 years old. He has spent 15 years converting wizards to Christianity and persuading many other people to stop doing magic and instead devote their lives to worshipping God. He was invited to the school to teach the students about magical history, but Jamie and a few other students are secretly learning about God because the teachers and headmaster don’t want the students to learn about God and stop doing magic.

Harley doesn’t have much of a religious belief, seeing as he was an orphan living with relatives who know nothing about his magical life. He also doesn’t know why God should be worshiped when there are so many decent people in the world. Jamie convinces him to join Joshua and his disciples, which he reluctantly does. Harley also clashes with Jonathan and Diana about learning about God and having to forgive Michael Davis (the school bully), who had also joined Joshua and is repenting his own sins.

Jonathan and Diana, alarmed that Joshua and his disciples might be “corrupting” Harley, unwisely inform the school’s high inquisitor, who has a grudge against Joshua. A mob riot ensues and Joshua is arrested for “crimes against the magical world“. After a mock trial, Joshua is found guilty and beheaded. Harley is crushed by the events and vows to quit doing magic. He also breaks his friendships with Jonathan and Diana.

After three days have passed, Jamie tells him that she saw Joshua rise from the dead. Harley doesn’t believe her until he sees Joshua show up in the Great Hall. Joshua explains that he was meant to die and that because of his death, wizards everywhere are learning about God and need help in order to give up magic and live Christian lives.

After a few weeks of teaching, Joshua decides to leave the school and take his message somewhere else. He blesses his disciples and prepares to leave. Joshua tells Harley to reconcile with his relatives and to forgive Jonathan and Diana. Harley agrees to transfer to a Christian school and continue his education. The story ends with Joshua blessing Harley and Jamie and goes on his way. Harley is later seen at his new school and Jamie convinces her guardian to reaffirm his faith in God.

This story, for what it’s worth, illustrates what would happen if Harry Potter were to discover Christianity and turn his back on magic. I’ll have the story uploaded on this blog next month.