Why am I rewriting “Away in England”? – Everything wrong with Harry Potter – Penana

https://www.penana.com/story/17889/why-am-i-rewriting-quot-away-in-england-quot/issue/1

In the following article, you may be wondering why I chose to rehash an old story instead of making up a new story. Maybe it’s because I really miss the first Harry Potter fanfiction art wrote and I wanted to rewrite it all over again with a new cast of characters.

Or maybe it’s because I want to call out the Harry Potter books for the crap that they are.

Who knows?

Advertisements

Never Thought We Would See This Happen…

Well, it’s happening today.

If you remember the bad fanfiction that was the Harry Potter epilogue, it has been 19 years since the Voldemort Wars ended.

Meaning, it’s officially 19 years later; on that day, a young boy was sent to Hogwarts by his parents, and reading that part in Harry Potter & the Deathly Hollows was AWKWARD for everyone!

But that’s not what this blog post is about.

In fact, I must say that today is the day when we finally see the dreaded Harry Potter epilogue come to life. As in, Harry’s poorly-named second son is on his way to Hogwarts.

I don’t believe it.

Harry Potter, I Sentence You to Die! – a Satire

Harry Potter, I sentence you to DIE!

Not only do your books and movies suck, but also there’s a fan fiction out there that exposed you for what you truly are. A fake. A phony. You’re the worst thing since creamed corn, and I would rather eat creamed corn than deal with you!

I can’t stand you. You’re freaking everywhere! I want you to go away and cease to exist! Let someone else take over the story because you’re not worth having one!

Please, just go away!

You’re saying you think I’m crazy? You say I would be happier if I would just sit down, shut up, and read your books? That is bullshit! I will NOT sit down, shut up, and read your books, not when there are better books out there for me to read!

So, for the last time, Harry Potter, go away!

The Hayley Chame Essay

The following essay concerns the part of The Story That Made No Sense, where Hayley Chame is concerned.

I want to protest. Seriously, I want to protest. Hayley Chame is nothing more than the secret love child of Lily Evans and Severus Snape, and that character is played by one Harry Potter, which makes me very angry. I don’t like Harry, and I especially hate him now that he’s chosen to play the part of a boy who is pushed into the background of a (much better) hero and deemed only to be the short-lived gay love interest of said hero.

Nobody needs those.

Also, Hayley’s family has all the worst aspects that a family can find, yet why nobody called social services on them is upsetting. I also don’t understand for the life of me why Matthew Larson would want to live in a family that’s so bad, it makes his evil biological relatives look good. Even he should know to get away from the chames, as they’re a terrible influence.

Come on, people! Even Sadie Schroeder is better than these stupid idiotic losers, and she’s a whiny Mary-sue brat as it is!”

Anyway, thank you for reading this plodding junk known as an essay and remember, kids, that when you create a character, make sure you follow the rules or else you’ll have character that’s so useless that you’ll want to kill them off before they meet the main hero.

A Controversial Opinion

I have something important to say about the Harry Potter world, and believe me, it’s not pretty.

For many years, I have tried to ignore Harry Potter and go about my daily life, but it was all but impossible to do so. People I knew begged, coerced, and even threatened me to read the Harry Potter books or something bad would happen to me.

Well, I’m here to tell you: I have never read the Harry Potter books and guess what? I’m still alive!

Because I never read Harry Potter, I’m glad I was never stressed out over the books. I never planned my life around the movies and I never participated in the online forums. Instead, I found other books to read that aren’t Harry Potter, and I’m happier for it.

So, can you survive without Harry Potter? You lived BEFORE Harry Potter, and you can live without him today.

That is all.

The Crime of Not Liking Harry Potter – a Satirical Essay

If you’re not a Harry Potter fan, then you’ve probably committed an unforgivable crime. You will ultimately lose friends and family members will not talk to you. There will be a curse on your name.

But none of that happened to me. (OK, I have fewer friends than I did back then and my Harry Potter loving cousins still refuse to acknowledge my existence.) Instead of getting in trouble for not being a fan of Harry Potter, I found friends who did things other than sit on the couch and read books all day and interacted with other people instead of being with imaginary friends. Within weeks of being with these new friends, I found that I’m so much happier when I’m with others instead of being by myself. I know there’s a life that doesn’t have to include Harry Potter. And that has made my parents happier, if that’s any indication to you.

If only the others would see what I see, then things will be better for everyone in the end.

Book Review of the Bloodstone Key by Theresa Beckett

Here’s my review of the novel The Bloodstone Key by Theresa Beckett:

I have read the book “The Bloodstone Key” and I think it’s full of clichés and plotholes. The main character is NOT an orphan, which is a no-no in writing fantasy for children. The fact that he still has his parents to rely on rubs me the wrong way. I do have my parents, but there more times when I wish they were gone so I could do what I want to do.

Plus, Dylan Drake is 100x cooler than Cyrus Nicholson, but that’s a given.

The story takes everything bad about fantasy and mixes them together in a jumbled mess. You can tell when an author has written themselves into a corner, and they most certainly have. I would not recommend this book for ANYONE to read; if you’re reading this book, destroy it immediately and go read C.S. Lewis’ The Chronicles of Narnia. You’ll be glad you did.

A New Year Comes to This Blog

Happy new year, my intrepid fans!

After a year riddled with SADS, I say it’s time for us to have a happy year by a way of inevitable reboots of stuff that you like. And it’ll be fun, seeing as this blog is dated and I need to take down some irrelevant posts and consolidate other posts. So, don’t be alarmed if you see some unexpected changes I’ve made to this blog.

Other than that, I’ll be adding more to this blog in terms of the main story as well as anything else that’s better than Harry Potter. Also, with back dating, I’ll fill in the blanks of the blog with how I think the blog should have been written, as I inadvertently let the Harry Potter fandom take over.

And that is a bad thing.

So anyway, happy new year!

Farewell, Alan Rickman | Forever Young Adult

via Farewell, Alan Rickman | Forever Young Adult

Well, everyone, I am sad to inform you all about the death of one Alan Rickman from this evil thing called cancer. As we all know, he played a large number of unforgettable characters, such as Hans Gruber in “Die Hard”, Sheriff of Nottingham in “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves”, Alexander Dane/Dr. Lazarus in “Galaxy Quest”, Col. Brandon in “Sense & Sensibility”, and Judge Turpin in “Sweeney Todd”.

But I know all you Potter-loving addicts (and former addicts) know him best as Harry Potter’s Professor Severus Snape. And it’s true.

He will be missed by everyone. (You know what they say about the deaths of famous people always happening in threes…)

P.S., screw you, cancer! I’d zap you to death, but I’m not a wizard.