Why am I rewriting “Away in England”? – Everything wrong with Harry Potter – Penana

https://www.penana.com/story/17889/why-am-i-rewriting-quot-away-in-england-quot/issue/1

In the following article, you may be wondering why I chose to rehash an old story instead of making up a new story. Maybe it’s because I really miss the first Harry Potter fanfiction art wrote and I wanted to rewrite it all over again with a new cast of characters.

Or maybe it’s because I want to call out the Harry Potter books for the crap that they are.

Who knows?

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Never Thought We Would See This Happen…

Well, it’s happening today.

If you remember the bad fanfiction that was the Harry Potter epilogue, it has been 19 years since the Voldemort Wars ended.

Meaning, it’s officially 19 years later; on that day, a young boy was sent to Hogwarts by his parents, and reading that part in Harry Potter & the Deathly Hollows was AWKWARD for everyone!

But that’s not what this blog post is about.

In fact, I must say that today is the day when we finally see the dreaded Harry Potter epilogue come to life. As in, Harry’s poorly-named second son is on his way to Hogwarts.

I don’t believe it.

Harley Christianson & the Redemption (a Christian Story about Harry Potter)

The following story is based off the short story Henry Shepherd and the Rock of Ages by Richard E. Salisbury.

Also known as the story that offended many Harry Potter fans with its Christian values

This short story was written by Jeana Sollman in the story “Harry Potter Destroyed My Town” and there was a huge uproar over the fact that a Harry Potter-like character converts to Christianity, quits doing magic, dropped out of his Hogwarts-like school, and spends the rest of his life as a Muggle.

In this story, 16-year-old Harley Porter is a student at a magical boarding school. His best friends are Jonathan Nealy and Diana MacArthur. Harley is mostly content with his life, but he is beginning to doubt his place in the world.

He makes a new friend named Jamie Raines, a girl who introduces him to a man named Joshua Christianson. Joshua was once a wizard before his conversion to Christianity when he was 18 years old. He has spent 15 years converting wizards to Christianity and persuading many other people to stop doing magic and instead devote their lives to worshipping God. He was invited to the school to teach the students about magical history, but Jamie and a few other students are secretly learning about God because the teachers and headmaster don’t want the students to learn about God and stop doing magic.

Harley doesn’t have much of a religious belief, seeing as he was an orphan living with relatives who know nothing about his magical life. He also doesn’t know why God should be worshiped when there are so many decent people in the world. Jamie convinces him to join Joshua and his disciples, which he reluctantly does. Harley also clashes with Jonathan and Diana about learning about God and having to forgive Michael Davis (the school bully), who had also joined Joshua and is repenting his own sins.

Jonathan and Diana, alarmed that Joshua and his disciples might be “corrupting” Harley, unwisely inform the school’s high inquisitor, who has a grudge against Joshua. A mob riot ensues and Joshua is arrested for “crimes against the magical world“. After a mock trial, Joshua is found guilty and beheaded. Harley is crushed by the events and vows to quit doing magic. He also breaks his friendships with Jonathan and Diana.

After three days have passed, Jamie tells him that she saw Joshua rise from the dead. Harley doesn’t believe her until he sees Joshua show up in the Great Hall. Joshua explains that he was meant to die and that because of his death, wizards everywhere are learning about God and need help in order to give up magic and live Christian lives.

After a few weeks of teaching, Joshua decides to leave the school and take his message somewhere else. He blesses his disciples and prepares to leave. Joshua tells Harley to reconcile with his relatives and to forgive Jonathan and Diana. Harley agrees to transfer to a Christian school and continue his education. The story ends with Joshua blessing Harley and Jamie and goes on his way. Harley is later seen at his new school and Jamie convinces her guardian to reaffirm his faith in God.

This story, for what it’s worth, illustrates what would happen if Harry Potter were to discover Christianity and turn his back on magic. I’ll have the story uploaded on this blog next month.

10 Reasons Hogwarts Is The Worst Damn School Ever

In this blog post, the writer is making a point that Hogwarts isn’t the type of school for kids to be attending. Far from it. I’m going to just say that this is very well-written and yet funny at the same time.

A VERY STRANGE PLACE

Hey everybody, look at that title! If you can’t guess what something called “10 Reasons Hogwarts Is The Worst Damn School Ever” is about, than I officially have to confiscate your eyeballs.

Ahem.

10: “You Know What Would Be Funny? Making People Run In To Walls.”

This is just a minor nitpick, but seriously, what the fuck was up with Platform 9 3/4?!

Think about it: Hogwarts sends letters to these kids, tell them they’re magic, then say “oh, by the way, run in to this brick wall”. What, is the entire admission system run by the Three Stooges?!

Wait a second, that’s a lie. They don’t even say “run in to this wall”, they just say “go to this station that doesn’t actually exist”. The only reason Harry doesn’t assume that the Durleys were playing a practical joke is because he runs in to the Weasleys which is incidentally…

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Why Hogwarts Was All in Harry’s Head: A Conspiracy Theory | Cracked.com

Harry Potter

Harry Potter (Photo credit: ACPL)

via Why Hogwarts Was All in Harry’s Head: A Conspiracy Theory | Cracked.com.

Now we have another article from Cracked.com that deals with Harry Potter. It raises a question of the “it’s all in his head” cliche and the evidence that supported this theory.

Here’s my take on the article:

  1. He was abused as a child“: why didn’t the authorities intervene early, like say, when Harry was attending regular school? You don’t abuse children like that and not expect any punishment to happen. Now, if this happened in the Unites States, depriving a child of food and denying their right to humanity, as well as emotional abuse, could land you in jail for a long time and permanently stain your reputation.
  2. It’s Called Fantasy Coping Theory“: what happens when Harry turns 11? He gets rescued by Hagrid and taken to the wizarding world, where he finds out that he is rich and famous and has hordes of followers. Or was it all in his head? There have been instances where abuse victims have used the fantasy escape mechanism to deal with their abusive lives (prime examples: Babydoll from Sucker Punch and Olivia Harlequin from The Short (Human) Life of Olivia Harlequin-Grantley) and this pattern of escaping into an alternate reality makes a lot more sense than some huge guy coming from nowhere flying on a motorcycle. (Plus, motorcycles don’t fly)
  3. The Abuse Doesn’t Stop“: Well, as Harry gets older, the abuse he suffers at home gets worse. Maybe it all gets to the point where he’s in and out of the hospital making up lies about his injuries. Many abuse victims are known to lie about how they got the injury that sent them to the hospital, and the story keeps changing as the injuries get even more serious. (Surely a doctor would notice the injuries and inform the police, right?)

  4. All of Those Inconsistencies Make Sense Now“: There is a very good reason why Hogwarts had to be in Harry’s head; as he got older, Harry had to explain away his fantasy to avoid losing it altogether.

So, what’s the deal on this issue? Was this a story filled with bad writing about a crappy alternative universe, or was it the messed-up imagination of a boy who was slowly dying due the abuses that were inflicted on him?

Or as one reviewer puts it: “After realizing that it was all a fantasy and that his life still sucked, he was not a legendary hero, there was no magical academy where he would have friends and fans, and his parents’ death was really just an ordinary car accident, Harry reached up one last time to find he also didn’t really have a scar.”

So, what you think about this? I await your answers.

10 Ways How Harry Potter’s Life Is Really Difficult | Army Of Awesome People

via 10 Ways How Harry Potter’s Life Is Really Difficult | Army Of Awesome People.

I have already covered the downside of being Spider-Man and Superman, but they are not the only superheroes whose lives aren’t as glamorous as they might seem. Though Harry Potter isn’t exactly a superhero, he still possesses magical powers few of us have, and he has two main requirements for being a superhero: a cape and parents who died in a freak accident. But even with his magical abilities his life is really difficult. Here are just a few examples: to continue, please click here.

This list is hilarious, but it is also true. Nuff said.

Hooray! We have survived a whole year without Harry Potter!

Harry Potter & the Methods of Rationality movi...

Harry Potter & the Methods of Rationality movie poster (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

Well, we have done the impossible. We have lived through an entire year without listening to the words “Harry Potter“.

Doesn’t that feel great? I know I’m feeling fantastic, seeing as I’m recuperating from having to hear about Harry Potter, and I was getting tired of it. But if we can go through 2012 without Harry Potter, than we can endure the the rest of our lives without Harry Potter.

Anyway, let’s get back to the real reason why we have this blog in the first place.

Seven Reasons Why Hermione Should Have Been the Main Character in the Harry Potter Books

hermione granger

hermione granger (Photo credit: karly ilustraciones)

Today, we will be looking at the character Hermione Granger and why she was never the main character in the Harry Potter books. For many years, she was seen simply as the friend of Harry Potter who was a girl. To me, I think that it’s rather pathetic that Hermione was seen this way and I fully resolve to make sure that the real Hermione Granger steps forward.

7. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be friends with Harry Potter or Ron Weasley. Case in point: Hermione glanced all around her and saw two boys sitting in a booth. One had red hair and the other had dark hair and wore glasses. She frowned as she stared at the two boy and thought to herself there’s no way I’m hanging out with those two! They look like complete losers! She shook her head and went to the next booth. Perhaps the people in the other car would help her track down Neville’s lost toad.

6. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be in Gryffindor. In fact, she’d be in Ravenclaw. Case in point: Hermione took her seat as the Sorting Hat was placed on her head. Within a few seconds, it shouted out the word “RAVENCLAW“. The Ravenclaws applauded as she took her place among them. (Also, why would JKR place a smart girl like Hermione in the lamest house in Hogwarts?)

5. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be on the Quidditch team. THAT would cut into her homework time.

4. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be so involved with her friends that she cuts off her parents, or even modify her parents’ memories to make them forget that they even had a daughter in the first place. She would at least write to her parents once a month to inform them of her progress at Hogwarts.

3. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be so concerned about her looks or if the other students would want her around. She has better things to do than to worry about superficial things. Also, she wouldn’t be hanging out with such book dumb people as Harry and Ron. Her friends would be just as smart as she is.

2. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she would be the smartest student in the school. But her adventures in Hogwarts will most likely be the subversion of the trope “Intelligence Equals Isolation”. I mean, she’s got to have *SOME* friends, just not Harry Potter and Ron Weasley.

1. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she would have already figured out that Quirrell was going to steal the sorcerer’s stone, found out that Ginny Weasley had opened the Chamber of Secrets, told the truth about Sirius Black, realized that the Twiwizard Tournament was rigged, THOUGHT before chasing after Sirius, stood up to Umbridge, and realized that Dumbledore was a manipulating, lying traitor who wanted to take over the world.

So there you have it. Unless JKR is willing to rewrite the series in Hermione’s POV and make her the main character, I’m never touching the Harry Potter books again.

My version of a Harry Potter rip-off (accoriding to HowTo:Write a Harry Potter Ripoff)

Well, first off, I did say that I wanted to write a rip-off of Harry Potter and the best way to do that is to just remake the series and inject a ton of silliness into it.

Like doing this:

  1. What is the concept: Harry Potter (plain and simple)
  2. What is the twist: the entire story takes place in a normal boring high school in a normal boring American town (nuff said)
  3. Who are the heroes: (ignoring the usually dull “Golden Trio” routine, I shall create the following): Harry Potter, who is renamed Harry Moffer, has a distinctive mark on his head that vaguely resembles a unicorn’s horn that is twisted into the shape of a C. Ron Weasley is renamed Pun Teasely and he knows the answers to scores of puns and riddles, not that it does him any good when it comes to actual social situations. Hermione Granger is renamed Hildegarde Lamer, and unlike the real Hermione, Hildegarde is not too bright and very few people, if any, can take her seriously. Rounding out the cast is Munoto Kuga (who is Japanese and has ZERO interest in anime) and Angelique Washington (who is black but really hates it when people call her out for not “acting black” (well, I guess it’s time to kill the all-white cast and get rid of the token racial stereotypes that have ever plagued out stories.
  4. What school does Harry attend: a normal high school. Duh! (What? you were expecting some exciting magical school? well, I have news for you; we’ve seen way too many books about magical schools in them, so enough with that clichĂ©! plus, wouldn’t it be nice if Harry Potter went to a real school?)
  5. What is the quest: (well, this one is going to sound rather silly) since this is the first story and since it’s based off of Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone, I’ll have Harry and his friends go chasing after the magician’s crystal, which is shaped like a flower and gives the user the power to…(hmmm…now that I came up with this crazy idea on a whim, whatever shall I do with the crystal? I’ll come back to this one later.)
  6. Who is the villain: Well, this time, Lord Voldemort will be given the really silly name of Gourd Maldyfart and he isn’t just some boring douchebag like his real-life counterpart; in fact, he’s the kids’ less than exciting math teacher who thinks that he’s the most powerful wizard in the world when he’s really a loser who lives in the basement of some respectable person’s house. (Of course, that’s just the foundation, but I’ll return later to knock this plot into place)
  7. As for everything else: Dumbledore is just the principal named Halfus Snibblepore, Snape is the science teacher named Celevus Pate, Malfoy is known as Domro Wilfy, and since the story takes place in a regular high school, there’s hardly any magic that will take place, unless it’s Jill Roseberry (a.k.a. moi) who is very much preoccupied with her role-playing games to be much of a bother to the story. (Plus, no matter how smart Jill is, Harry and his friends don’t beg her for her help until it’s almost too late. well, that’s just how it is)

Well, that’s only part ONE of the story. In order to continue with the rest, all I have to do is this:

Book 1: Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever! (In which Harry Moffer goes to Warthogpox High School and deals with a next-to-useless magical object called the Magician’s Crystal)

Book 2: Harry Moffer & the Really Stupid Sequel (This time, Warthogpox High gets bitten by the High School Musical bug and Harry Moffer is the only one who can save everyone from their forced singing. But to do that, he’ll have to go into the cubicle of restricted fruitcakes and do battle with a former Warthogpox High student. The name of the student I will decide later)

Book 3: Harry Moffer & the High School Sophomores Who Just Can’t Keep It Together (in Harry Motter’s sophomore year at Warthogpox High School, a man by the name of Spoofius Brown breaks free of his prison at Cronecast Castle and seeks the guy who ruined his life. Poor Harry is caught in the middle of the conflict. Plus, no one in his class is acting right at all.)

Book 4: Harry Moffer Really Needs to Just Give Up & Go Home (in the middle of Harry’s sophomore year, four exchange students arrive in the school, named Narlie Tone, Corviss Anvaleese, Quercy Namsan, and Rella Fawn, all who are better than poor Harry Moffer and his band of losers. Plus, a classmate named Deadric Vampory returns from the dead to harass our hero!)

Book 5: Harry Moffer & the Unhappy Fandom (in Harry Moffet’s junior year at Warthogpox High, a huge group of people band together to protect him from He-Who-Really-Needs-a-Better-Name. But Harry doesn’t care about that at all; in fact, he has to do this really stupid project for his English and history classes and he really can’t afford to waste any time doing other things. This includes pursuing the not-token Latino Dora Explorez. Plus, the fandom is starting to get tired of his antics and a flood of hate letters proves that.)

Book 6: Harry Moffer is a Complete Idiot (in this next part of the story, Harry is torn between Dora and Pun’s annoying Mary-Sue sister Fanny. Also, Pun and Hildegarde are fighting while Lord Whatever-His-Name-Is is doing nothing more than using magic to wreak havoc on the normal citizens of the American town where the story is taking place)

Book 7: Harry Moffer & Whatever is Left to Come (Well, Harry is now a high school senior and instead on focusing on graduating, he’s gotten himself roped into joining Jill and her role-playing friends, who are playing a deadly new game called Quest Thunder. However, the game is really a trick created by Lord Can’t-Come-Up-With-a-Good-Name in which he is trying to trap Harry)

STILL book 7: The Harry Moffer Series Has Been Permanently Canceled, So Goodbye Everyone! (After Harry has barely survived a kidnapping attempt by the Stupid Lord, he plunkers down to prepare to graduate from Warthogpox High School. But along the way, he has to deal with the problem of college applications, what to study in college, and deciding once and for all if he is going to be dating Dora Explorez or Fanny Teasely. Well, the Stupid Lord has decided that he’s going to put the breaks on Harry’s future plans…permanently! Can Harry survive long enough to actually make it to graduation?)

Well, I’m having a lot of fun with this story and since I want a parody/rip-off of Harry Potter that ACTUALLLY makes sense, so I’m going to use this idea for the parody and give the Tyler Potter spoof a much-needed makeover.

Now I’m off to work on this thing, but before I go, I shall leave you all with one final spoof…

Harry Moffer & the Crappy Epilogue: Many years after graduating from Warthogpox High School, Harry is sending his three properly named children with the still Mary-Sue-like Fanny Teasley off to school. But controversy arrives when a son of Dora Explorez and a daughter of Jill Roseberry (both of who look like Harry) show up to enroll in the same school, leaving everyone to wonder if Harry had really cheated on his so-called “true love” with his former high school sweetheart and the now successful actress.

Now that’s enough of that. Now go away, because I’ve got work to do and it needs to be done. Buzz off.

Link to website where I go the idea to write this blog post: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/HowTo:Write_a_Harry_Potter_Ripoff#Overview

We’re Sick & Tired of Potter (Parody of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”)

Tyler, Marty, & Coco

Tyler, Marty, & Coco (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

James & Lily Potter, babies with lightning-bolt scars / Lord Voldemort, Dumbledore hands a baby to relatives / Wizards, magic, terror everywhere / innocent man is sent to Azkaban / abusive relatives, fat boys with pig’s tails / snakes escaping from encasements, magic everywhere / Hagrid, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry, shopping in Diagon Alley / Dark Lord comes to the house and kills his parents, being declared the Boy-Who-Lived, here we go

Chorus: We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / We’re sick and tired of Potter / 9-11 started it, Charlie Bone will stop it

King’s Cross, 9 and 3/4, red-haired family / Hogwarts Express, meeting Ron & Hermione / trip to Hogwarts, student sorting, Gryffindor / Quidditch, fighting trolls / invisibility cloaks, Mirror of Erised / meeting Dumbledore, this seems fun / sorcerer’s stone, Nicolas Flamel / 3rd floor corridor, facing Quirrell

Chorus: We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / We’re sick and tired of Potter / there’s other books that we should be reading

Chamber of Secrets, Ginny Weasley, flying cars, crazy house-elves / Malfoy, Gilderoy Lockhart never seemed to be the right choice / strange voices, petrified people, muggleborns must go home / Tom Riddle, basilisk, freeing Dobby / Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, werewolves, rats, and traitors / Goblets of Fire, foreign wizard schools, Cedric Diggory / Lord Voldemort returns, like didn’t they get rid of him in the first book?

Chorus: We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / We’re sick and tired of Potter / where are those Christian books when we need them?

Dementors, Howlers, Ministry of Magic, / Order of the Phoenix / evil teacher, evil spreads, prophecy is foretold / London attacked, muggles frightened, what are we to do / half-blood prince, secret pasts, things get worse / Dumbledore gets zapped to death, he really had it coming

Chorus: We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / We’re sick and tired of Potter / it has gone on for way too long now

witchcraft, wizardry, the claim that magic is harmless, people just don’t want God in / deathly hallows, Harry’s now of age, attacks get worse, people die / Harry’s in hiding, hostages at Hogwarts, Neville Longbottom becomes a hero / big epic fight, scores of wizards die, Harry faces Voldie, wins the day / Dumbledore turned out to be gay, was in league with Grindelwald, / 19 years later, sends his kids to Hogwarts / one kid named Albus-Severus, I can’t take this crap anymore

Chorus: We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / We’re sick and tired of Potter / it’s too old now, can we have something new?
We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / But when we are gone / we hope Potter is gone along with us…