Why ‘Harry Potter’ Is Based on a Terrible Decision

Greystone shot on Crack.Com

Greystone shot on Crack.Com (Photo credit: Forsaken Fotos)

via Why ‘Harry Potter’ Is Based on a Terrible Decision

As much as we love the mythology of Harry Potter, it doesn’t take more than five seconds of thought to realize that no 11-year-old kid would leave his family to live with a giant man-stranger presenting warm cake and promises of magic times ahead. Not even an abused orphan would take that pedo-bait.

This starts off the article, courtesy of humor site Cracked.com. Mainly, the article is about Harry Potter giving magic the middle finger and moving to America in a series of short movies.

But let’s go back to the main part of the article: why would an 11-year-old boy accept an invitation to some magical school?

Let’s go back and remember that children can easily go missing at any time and not be missed until it’s too late. The concept doubles if the child is a victim of abuse, such as Harry here.

Let’s say that Harry goes off with the strange man and within a few weeks of him disappearing with the stranger, his body is found lying in a ditch somewhere. (I know it’s sad, but I know it’s also realistic. Just go with it.) What do you think the Dursleys are going to tell the police when they are questioned about Harry’s disappearance? “Uh, he went off with some giant-man who talked about a magical school?”

Yeah, like that’s going to work with the cops.

Then push comes to shove and before you know what’s happening, they are arrested for child abuse and Dudley is sent to a foster home.

There you have it, folks. Harry potter was a victim of kidnapping and now he’s dead. There is no Hogwarts, he was not a famous wizards with gazillions of fans. He was famous simply for being a murder victim.

Yeah, what a sad ending to a big story.

Now, tell this one to your kids.

Kids, no matter if you want to learn about magic, NEVER go off with a stranger (not even if you’re an abuse victim). You will end up dead or suffer a worse fate.

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Harley Christianson & the Redemption (a Christian Story about Harry Potter)

The following story is based off the short story Henry Shepherd and the Rock of Ages by Richard E. Salisbury.

Also known as the story that offended many Harry Potter fans with its Christian values

This short story was written by Jeana Sollman in the story “Harry Potter Destroyed My Town” and there was a huge uproar over the fact that a Harry Potter-like character converts to Christianity, quits doing magic, dropped out of his Hogwarts-like school, and spends the rest of his life as a Muggle.

In this story, 16-year-old Harley Porter is a student at a magical boarding school. His best friends are Jonathan Nealy and Diana MacArthur. Harley is mostly content with his life, but he is beginning to doubt his place in the world.

He makes a new friend named Jamie Raines, a girl who introduces him to a man named Joshua Christianson. Joshua was once a wizard before his conversion to Christianity when he was 18 years old. He has spent 15 years converting wizards to Christianity and persuading many other people to stop doing magic and instead devote their lives to worshipping God. He was invited to the school to teach the students about magical history, but Jamie and a few other students are secretly learning about God because the teachers and headmaster don’t want the students to learn about God and stop doing magic.

Harley doesn’t have much of a religious belief, seeing as he was an orphan living with relatives who know nothing about his magical life. He also doesn’t know why God should be worshiped when there are so many decent people in the world. Jamie convinces him to join Joshua and his disciples, which he reluctantly does. Harley also clashes with Jonathan and Diana about learning about God and having to forgive Michael Davis (the school bully), who had also joined Joshua and is repenting his own sins.

Jonathan and Diana, alarmed that Joshua and his disciples might be “corrupting” Harley, unwisely inform the school’s high inquisitor, who has a grudge against Joshua. A mob riot ensues and Joshua is arrested for “crimes against the magical world“. After a mock trial, Joshua is found guilty and beheaded. Harley is crushed by the events and vows to quit doing magic. He also breaks his friendships with Jonathan and Diana.

After three days have passed, Jamie tells him that she saw Joshua rise from the dead. Harley doesn’t believe her until he sees Joshua show up in the Great Hall. Joshua explains that he was meant to die and that because of his death, wizards everywhere are learning about God and need help in order to give up magic and live Christian lives.

After a few weeks of teaching, Joshua decides to leave the school and take his message somewhere else. He blesses his disciples and prepares to leave. Joshua tells Harley to reconcile with his relatives and to forgive Jonathan and Diana. Harley agrees to transfer to a Christian school and continue his education. The story ends with Joshua blessing Harley and Jamie and goes on his way. Harley is later seen at his new school and Jamie convinces her guardian to reaffirm his faith in God.

This story, for what it’s worth, illustrates what would happen if Harry Potter were to discover Christianity and turn his back on magic. I’ll have the story uploaded on this blog next month.

10 Reasons Hogwarts Is The Worst Damn School Ever

In this blog post, the writer is making a point that Hogwarts isn’t the type of school for kids to be attending. Far from it. I’m going to just say that this is very well-written and yet funny at the same time.


Hey everybody, look at that title! If you can’t guess what something called “10 Reasons Hogwarts Is The Worst Damn School Ever” is about, than I officially have to confiscate your eyeballs.


10: “You Know What Would Be Funny? Making People Run In To Walls.”

This is just a minor nitpick, but seriously, what the fuck was up with Platform 9 3/4?!

Think about it: Hogwarts sends letters to these kids, tell them they’re magic, then say “oh, by the way, run in to this brick wall”. What, is the entire admission system run by the Three Stooges?!

Wait a second, that’s a lie. They don’t even say “run in to this wall”, they just say “go to this station that doesn’t actually exist”. The only reason Harry doesn’t assume that the Durleys were playing a practical joke is because he runs in to the Weasleys which is incidentally…

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Why Hogwarts Was All in Harry’s Head: A Conspiracy Theory | Cracked.com

Harry Potter

Harry Potter (Photo credit: ACPL)

via Why Hogwarts Was All in Harry’s Head: A Conspiracy Theory | Cracked.com.

Now we have another article from Cracked.com that deals with Harry Potter. It raises a question of the “it’s all in his head” cliche and the evidence that supported this theory.

Here’s my take on the article:

  1. He was abused as a child“: why didn’t the authorities intervene early, like say, when Harry was attending regular school? You don’t abuse children like that and not expect any punishment to happen. Now, if this happened in the Unites States, depriving a child of food and denying their right to humanity, as well as emotional abuse, could land you in jail for a long time and permanently stain your reputation.
  2. It’s Called Fantasy Coping Theory“: what happens when Harry turns 11? He gets rescued by Hagrid and taken to the wizarding world, where he finds out that he is rich and famous and has hordes of followers. Or was it all in his head? There have been instances where abuse victims have used the fantasy escape mechanism to deal with their abusive lives (prime examples: Babydoll from Sucker Punch and Olivia Harlequin from The Short (Human) Life of Olivia Harlequin-Grantley) and this pattern of escaping into an alternate reality makes a lot more sense than some huge guy coming from nowhere flying on a motorcycle. (Plus, motorcycles don’t fly)
  3. The Abuse Doesn’t Stop“: Well, as Harry gets older, the abuse he suffers at home gets worse. Maybe it all gets to the point where he’s in and out of the hospital making up lies about his injuries. Many abuse victims are known to lie about how they got the injury that sent them to the hospital, and the story keeps changing as the injuries get even more serious. (Surely a doctor would notice the injuries and inform the police, right?)

  4. All of Those Inconsistencies Make Sense Now“: There is a very good reason why Hogwarts had to be in Harry’s head; as he got older, Harry had to explain away his fantasy to avoid losing it altogether.

So, what’s the deal on this issue? Was this a story filled with bad writing about a crappy alternative universe, or was it the messed-up imagination of a boy who was slowly dying due the abuses that were inflicted on him?

Or as one reviewer puts it: “After realizing that it was all a fantasy and that his life still sucked, he was not a legendary hero, there was no magical academy where he would have friends and fans, and his parents’ death was really just an ordinary car accident, Harry reached up one last time to find he also didn’t really have a scar.”

So, what you think about this? I await your answers.

10 Ways How Harry Potter’s Life Is Really Difficult | Army Of Awesome People

via 10 Ways How Harry Potter’s Life Is Really Difficult | Army Of Awesome People.

I have already covered the downside of being Spider-Man and Superman, but they are not the only superheroes whose lives aren’t as glamorous as they might seem. Though Harry Potter isn’t exactly a superhero, he still possesses magical powers few of us have, and he has two main requirements for being a superhero: a cape and parents who died in a freak accident. But even with his magical abilities his life is really difficult. Here are just a few examples: to continue, please click here.

This list is hilarious, but it is also true. Nuff said.

Only Several Sunlit Days – The Ultimate Anti Harry/Ginny Essay

English: An alternative, uncolored coat of arm...

English: An alternative, uncolored coat of arms of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry from Harry Potter book series, by J.K Rowling. For a reference i used a drawing found on the internet, probably an illustration from one of the books. vector drawing,.SVG format. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Only Several Sunlit Days – The Ultimate Anti Harry/Ginny Essay.

via Only Several Sunlit Days – The Ultimate Anti Harry/Ginny Essay.

Evidently, someone has written a very good essay about Harry Potter and his dumb relationship with the Mary-Sue Ginny Weasley. Using quotes from the books, she proves that not only is Ginny is a Mary-Sue, she’s a spoiled brat who cares nothing for anyone else, only getting her “crushHarry.

Ginny Weasley is the biggest travesty in the history of literature.

So, what’s next?

harry moffer 1

harry moffer 1 (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

Well, I know you’re all thinking what we’re going to be doing now that 2012 has come and gone. Since we’ve absolutely gotten over Harry Potter, here’s some of the things we’re working on for this year:

  • Finishing “This Story Makes No Sense”
  • Starting the Harry Moffer parody series
  • Writing at least one Harry Potter ripoff
  • Beginning the story “The Anti-Potter Fantasy Club”
  • Writing the ending to Away In England
  • Writing the ending to Bad Harry Potter Fan Fiction Stories
  • Fake parodies of Harry Potter
  • Rewriting the ending to Harry Potter

This list is only temporary, as there might be more ideas that we can be doing on this blog. We’ll be back with more.

Hooray! We have survived a whole year without Harry Potter!

Harry Potter & the Methods of Rationality movi...

Harry Potter & the Methods of Rationality movie poster (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

Well, we have done the impossible. We have lived through an entire year without listening to the words “Harry Potter“.

Doesn’t that feel great? I know I’m feeling fantastic, seeing as I’m recuperating from having to hear about Harry Potter, and I was getting tired of it. But if we can go through 2012 without Harry Potter, than we can endure the the rest of our lives without Harry Potter.

Anyway, let’s get back to the real reason why we have this blog in the first place.

Seven Reasons Why Hermione Should Have Been the Main Character in the Harry Potter Books

hermione granger

hermione granger (Photo credit: karly ilustraciones)

Today, we will be looking at the character Hermione Granger and why she was never the main character in the Harry Potter books. For many years, she was seen simply as the friend of Harry Potter who was a girl. To me, I think that it’s rather pathetic that Hermione was seen this way and I fully resolve to make sure that the real Hermione Granger steps forward.

7. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be friends with Harry Potter or Ron Weasley. Case in point: Hermione glanced all around her and saw two boys sitting in a booth. One had red hair and the other had dark hair and wore glasses. She frowned as she stared at the two boy and thought to herself there’s no way I’m hanging out with those two! They look like complete losers! She shook her head and went to the next booth. Perhaps the people in the other car would help her track down Neville’s lost toad.

6. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be in Gryffindor. In fact, she’d be in Ravenclaw. Case in point: Hermione took her seat as the Sorting Hat was placed on her head. Within a few seconds, it shouted out the word “RAVENCLAW“. The Ravenclaws applauded as she took her place among them. (Also, why would JKR place a smart girl like Hermione in the lamest house in Hogwarts?)

5. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be on the Quidditch team. THAT would cut into her homework time.

4. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be so involved with her friends that she cuts off her parents, or even modify her parents’ memories to make them forget that they even had a daughter in the first place. She would at least write to her parents once a month to inform them of her progress at Hogwarts.

3. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be so concerned about her looks or if the other students would want her around. She has better things to do than to worry about superficial things. Also, she wouldn’t be hanging out with such book dumb people as Harry and Ron. Her friends would be just as smart as she is.

2. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she would be the smartest student in the school. But her adventures in Hogwarts will most likely be the subversion of the trope “Intelligence Equals Isolation”. I mean, she’s got to have *SOME* friends, just not Harry Potter and Ron Weasley.

1. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she would have already figured out that Quirrell was going to steal the sorcerer’s stone, found out that Ginny Weasley had opened the Chamber of Secrets, told the truth about Sirius Black, realized that the Twiwizard Tournament was rigged, THOUGHT before chasing after Sirius, stood up to Umbridge, and realized that Dumbledore was a manipulating, lying traitor who wanted to take over the world.

So there you have it. Unless JKR is willing to rewrite the series in Hermione’s POV and make her the main character, I’m never touching the Harry Potter books again.

Ten of the Most Soul-Crushing Finales Ever Written

Tyler Potter

Tyler Potter (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

5. Away In England

Tagline: Wake Up Kids, Harry Potter’s Dead And Magic Isn’t Real At All!

Summary: In 2002, I came out with the story about an All-American Girl and her adventures in England, especially with one Harry Potter and his friends in the school called Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. Jacquel Romanov (who was first featured in fan fiction) has traded her cool California girl lifestyle for the prim and properness that is the British school system. And while she’s learning about magic, she also learns some very important life lessons, such as the need to have friends and how to stand up to your enemies.

So, what happened? After all was said and done, Jacquel suddenly wakes up at her home in LONDON, ENGLAND instead of SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA. Yeah, I said it. Jacquel was never from California, she is British. Plus, when she wakes up, she has no memory of ever meeting Harry Potter or attending Hogwarts.


It turns out that in the summer of 2007, two of the screen writers named Rolando Murray and Darren Andrews had purchased “Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows“. Their reaction to the book was less than positive, as the whole thing destroyed many of the storylines that they themselves have written solely for the show. To make matters worse, they were now on the fifth season of the show, which coincided with the book “Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix“. The head boss of the show, Connor Stevens, had read “Order of the Phoenix” and upon being disappointed with the book, ordered the entire show to be scrapped.

So as it turned out, Jacquel Romanov wakes up and sees her NOT-dead parents sitting around the kitchen table discussing the “not-guilty” verdict of one Tom Riddle, who had been initially charged with causing the deaths of Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Ginny Weasley, four regular teenagers who were struck by a car and killed during late spring 1998. Or May 2, 1998 if you prefer. Since Tom Riddle didn’t kill the kids, he was initially let go and sent home, to the consternation of an entire London neighborhood. Plus, the real-life Harry, Ron, and Hermione weren’t even wizards to begin with.

The date Jacquel wakes up is actually September 1, 2004. That’s right. 2004. Jacquel Romanov was born in the year 1993 and is 11 years old in 2004. Not only has she forgotten all about Harry, it turned out that Harry was actually THIRTEEN years OLDER than her, if that’s certainly the truth. If only Jacquel remembered her dreams, she could have written the best-selling series and not the Scottish woman known as J.K. Rowling.

So to say, Harry Potter and his magical world was nothing more than a figment of someone’s imagination. Now go read a real book. :|


3. Space Wizards

Tagline: In Space, No One Can Help You Return Home

Summary: You know, it’s that story about Tyler Potter BEFORE he became Tyler Potter. Ty lives on a steampunk alternative of planet Earth and has tons of adventures while he is a high school student at an elite academy.

So, what happened? Within a few months following his latest adventure, a spaceship from Earth crash-lands on Aganaea. The spaceship was carrying the first colonists, who were originally going to colonize the planet Mars.

But there is one problem: the ship that crash-landed was heavily damaged and because the mechanics of Aganaea didn’t have the correct tools to repair the spaceship, the colonists were forced to make the steampunk planet their new home.


It turns out that 17-year-old Tyler Potter had witnessed the alien race Megadroids attacking the spaceship and eventually destroying it. 1,500 people who were on the spaceship were going to settle on Mars. But with the Megadroids capturing them and threatening to execute them if they dared to leave, King Raphael James Lorenzo del Mondegund and his troops swoop in and rescue the colonists. He brings them to the Valport Academy, which was Tyler’s school. With the Megadriods and Unbots uniting against the Earth settlers, Tyler is suddenly called into war.

So as it turned out, during the campaign that eventually wiped out the enemy aliens, Tyler eventually finds love with an Earth girl named Mackenzie Renshaw and persuades her to abandon her Earth home for him. The other colonists also decide to stay in Aganaea, seeing as there is no way they would be able to make it back to Earth or to Mars. And when did this happen? April 16, 1993, when the TV station pulled the plug in “Space Wizards” and replaced that show with the TV show “Kid Challengers“, which was a short-lived show about a group of kids who just sat around the house and did nothing very exciting.

Well, as they say, with Tyler Potter living on a different planet and him offering to share his planet with you, there’s no way you can go home again. :|


2. Magic in the Castle

Tagline: So *THAT’S* How Hogwarts Was Invented…

Summary: This is a pure action tale with a strong theme of friendship and things man was not meant to know. The story takes place in a large castle at the edge of a small town called Kulleus Village. Magic is increasing in power, and that plays an important role in the story. A group of orphans named Adam Powell, Will Evans, Rusheen Evans, Drew Shackelford, and Lacie Howdershell live in the Adeandror Castle with a kindly old wizard and with that, they learn magic. (not unlike a certain orphaned wizard) But for some reason, the magic that was supposed to be contained in the castle is being leaked to the surrounding woods and the town that is located next to the castle. The townspeople don’t take too kindly to magic and for the past many years, have executed every magic user until Professor Magus escaped the burning of his family’s home and came to the castle. He lives alone for many years until five young orphans show up at his doorstep, begging for food and shelter.

So, what happened? Obviously, the fairy queen Penelore of the magical land of Ei’ploerzol has found out about the killings of the magic-users (as the right-to-live is universal and if you tried to kill a magic-user in this world, you could find yourself hauled off to jail) and as a result, she decides to punish the entire town by leveling it using magic.


It turns out that Adam, Will, Drew, and Lacie’s parents were involved in the killing of a magic-user named Maephelal the Magnificent. As a result, their parents are killed and the kids (including Will’s younger sister Rusheen) are taken to the castle by Penelore’s men. Also, the fairy queen demands that Professor Magus open up the castle to educate the now orphaned children of Kulleus Village about magic and why killing people who use magic is never a good idea because magic will affect their descendants as well.

So as it turned out, Queen Penelore had just created a school like Hogwarts. And considering that her half-fairy, half-human son Kaylen Klieg is going to be needing a magical school to attend…this is going to be like Harry Potter, right? :|