Why am I rewriting “Away in England”? – Everything wrong with Harry Potter – Penana

https://www.penana.com/story/17889/why-am-i-rewriting-quot-away-in-england-quot/issue/1

In the following article, you may be wondering why I chose to rehash an old story instead of making up a new story. Maybe it’s because I really miss the first Harry Potter fanfiction art wrote and I wanted to rewrite it all over again with a new cast of characters.

Or maybe it’s because I want to call out the Harry Potter books for the crap that they are.

Who knows?

Advertisements

Never Thought We Would See This Happen…

Well, it’s happening today.

If you remember the bad fanfiction that was the Harry Potter epilogue, it has been 19 years since the Voldemort Wars ended.

Meaning, it’s officially 19 years later; on that day, a young boy was sent to Hogwarts by his parents, and reading that part in Harry Potter & the Deathly Hollows was AWKWARD for everyone!

But that’s not what this blog post is about.

In fact, I must say that today is the day when we finally see the dreaded Harry Potter epilogue come to life. As in, Harry’s poorly-named second son is on his way to Hogwarts.

I don’t believe it.

Harry Potter, I Sentence You to Die! – a Satire

Harry Potter, I sentence you to DIE!

Not only do your books and movies suck, but also there’s a fan fiction out there that exposed you for what you truly are. A fake. A phony. You’re the worst thing since creamed corn, and I would rather eat creamed corn than deal with you!

I can’t stand you. You’re freaking everywhere! I want you to go away and cease to exist! Let someone else take over the story because you’re not worth having one!

Please, just go away!

You’re saying you think I’m crazy? You say I would be happier if I would just sit down, shut up, and read your books? That is bullshit! I will NOT sit down, shut up, and read your books, not when there are better books out there for me to read!

So, for the last time, Harry Potter, go away!

The Crime of Not Liking Harry Potter – a Satirical Essay

If you’re not a Harry Potter fan, then you’ve probably committed an unforgivable crime. You will ultimately lose friends and family members will not talk to you. There will be a curse on your name.

But none of that happened to me. (OK, I have fewer friends than I did back then and my Harry Potter loving cousins still refuse to acknowledge my existence.) Instead of getting in trouble for not being a fan of Harry Potter, I found friends who did things other than sit on the couch and read books all day and interacted with other people instead of being with imaginary friends. Within weeks of being with these new friends, I found that I’m so much happier when I’m with others instead of being by myself. I know there’s a life that doesn’t have to include Harry Potter. And that has made my parents happier, if that’s any indication to you.

If only the others would see what I see, then things will be better for everyone in the end.

How different would the Harry Potter series be, if it was written by George R.R. Martin instead of J.K. Rowling?

Jacquel Chrissy’s Answers – Quora

Well, here’s how I would see it:

1. Ginny Weasley and her twin brother Gerald would be banging each other, creating three bastard children while she was married to Harry Potter. James (who is the oldest) will be sitting on the Iron Throne after Harry dies in a Quidditch accident.

2. Harry would marry Ginny even though he still pines for a dead Hermione Granger. He also hires his best friend Neville Longbottom to be his hand and has illicit relationships with other girls and create numoerous bastard children.

3. Ron who is the most despised member of the Weasley family, is written as a Tyrion lookalike. Plus, he’d be a badass.

4. Neville is executed by James after he discovers the truth about Ginny and Gerald’s relationship. This rather unholy act angers Neville’s son Richard, who goes to war against the magical kingdom of Hogwartos. After several victories against the Weasley family, Arthur has Richard and his mother Hannah killed at the Lion Wedding.

5. Hermione, who was supposed to marry Harry, runs off with Draco Malfoy instead. Their son, Scorpius, is seen as the future hero even though he is raised as Neville’s bastard son. (in other words, D+H=S)

6. When Hermione ran off with Draco, Harry starts a war that gets the entire Malfoy family killed except for one.  Luna escapes across the sea to a foreign land called Azkabanos, where she becomes Khaleesi.

7. James is poisoned at the Snake wedding and Ron is blamed. He wants a trial by combat. His champion Cedric Diggory (who came to Hogs Landing to get revenge for his sister Cho’s death during Harry’s rebellion) fights against Viktor Krum and has his head crushed. (Ron also kills Arthur on the toilet and runs off to Azkabanos, where he meets Luna.)

8. Alice Longbottom would have to marry Ron, but escapes thanks to Severus Snape (who would be like Littlefinger). Lorcan would be crippled by Gerald and be trained in scrying by Hagrid. No word on Lysander.

9. Albus-Severus would be a weak king and Ginny would be arrested by the Order of Merlin for adultery, incest, and murder. Lily-Luna would be in Camelot, engaged to marry Chi Chang. (She also loses an ear)

10. All in all, there will be more violence, more sex, and more bad language than in Game of Thrones.

27 Things People Who Didn’t Like “Harry Potter” Are Tired Of Hearing

via 27 Things People Who Didn’t Like “Harry Potter” Are Tired Of Hearing

Hate Harry Potter? Tired of being mocked for hating him? Read this list and make your critics weep:

  1. When you say you don’t like Harry Potter, people automatically assume you have no imagination. (Guess what: I hate Harry Potter. DEAL WITH IT, YOU TWAT!!)
  2. Or, better yet, they think you’re illiterate. “Have you even read the book???” (No, I haven’t read the book , and I don’t plan to. Get off my back about it!)
  3. There is always talk of a new book or new movie or new Harry Potter SOMETHING, so if you aren’t excited about it, you’re a social pariah. (I have better things to do than to obsess over a fictional character.)
  4. No, you don’t get it. Actually, you feel no connection to this world because unlike them, you can’t solve all your inconveniences with magic. (FYI, you can’t solve the world problems with magic! Duh!)
  5. And spell names? Yeah, what the f**k is “Expelliarmus”? (can I punch someone in the face, please?)
  6. Patronuses… WTF??? This is the stuff of nightmares. (I’ve already had enough nightmares from real life; I don’t want them in my books!)
  7. “Muggles” and “Mudbloods” and blah blah BLAH.(Are you fricking racist???)
  8. “This is such an epic story of good vs. evil.” Yeah, except the villains are flat: Voldemort is self-loathing, Petunia Dursley is mega jealz of her sister, and Draco is going through puberty, like all the time. (YAWN. I could crap out a better story than this.)
  9. Don’t fool yourself, Harry and Ginny do NOT make the cutest couple ever. (Oedipal complex??)
  10. Also, the School of Witchcraft and Wizardry does not seem fun, it sounds like a total bummer; everyone is always in danger of DYING. (can’t I at least get through one year without BEING IN FRICKING DANGER ALL THE TIME???)
  11. Being assigned to Slytherin for any HP-themed game is a passive-aggressive way of people telling you you f**king suck. (Well, **** you! I won’t do what you tell me!)
  12. To everyone who wishes Gryffindor existed: Isn’t categorizing everyone into four different groups just a terrible idea? (sorting is just as bad as labeling)
  13. He Who Must Not Be Named” would never happen. There’d always be some kids in an alleyway saying his name all the time just because they could. (Are you fricking kidding me???)
  14. Then there was that day your friends dragged you to watch the first part of the seventh movie because you “had to see it!” (Dude, if you drag me to this piece of **** movie, I will unfriend you!)
  15. To your surprise, or lack there of, it actually isn’t “the best movie of all time”; all the movies start to blend together and feel exactly the SAME. (Harry repeats itself ALL THE FRICKING TIME!!! Why would you want to subject yourself to that?)
  16. The “epic” final wand battle of the seventh movie feels depressingly anticlimactic. (wake me up when Harry dies)
  17. You couldn’t care less that there’s an International Quidditch Association. (Screw quidditch. Football is better.)
  18. All the news stories of the legal injunctions and blackmail attempts caused from fear of the latest book leaking is a bit too much. (and people think that fan fiction should be legal)
  19. You’ve heard your friends geek out about it one too many times. (guess what? you need to dump your friends)
  20. The tattoos, just, NO. (I’d rather do Game of Thrones)
  21. The fan fiction terrifies you. (better yet, avoid fan fiction like it’s the plague)
  22. Everyone went through a period where they tried to sound British, and it still drives you NUTS. (You’ve just offended everyone who is actually British. Go stand in a corner and rethink your life.)
  23. Also, everyone and their mother takes this photo next to the 9 ¾ cart when they’re in London. (You have officially lost me as a child. Have fun playing with your imaginary kid.)
  24. Sardine flavored jelly beans are enough to turn your apathy toward HP into complete detestation. (#1, gross, and #2, how dare you steal from Jelly Belly! I’m shocked that a lawsuit hasn’t been filed yet to stop this travesty)
  25. The abundance of HP products everywhere makes you feel like there is no escape. (Can’t we make this just go away? Like forever?)
  26. Not to mention this THEME PARK, which is really just a hub for obsessive fans. (DO. NOT. GO TO THAT. PLACE. OR. ELSE. YOU’LL. NEVER. BE ALLOWED. TO. LEAVE.)
  27. Honestly, J.K. Rowling’s success story is the most interesting part of this whole thing to you. (her dreams came true at the cost of everyone else’s sanity.)

Now you know. As for me, I’m MUGGLE AND PROUD OF IT!!

Top 10 Reasons Why Percy Jackson is Better than Harry Potter

Hello, and welcome to another week of top 10 in fandom. I hoped that you enjoyed the last list, because there are some people in this world who are a lot scarier that Lord Voldemort.

Anyway, this week’s topic is the top 10 reasons why Percy Jackson is better than Harry Potter. As we all know, harry potter is a wizard and Percy Jackson is a demigod. Now pit these two against each other and we’re talking a fantasy showdown that won’t soon be forgotten.

Anyway, the top 10 reasons why Percy Jackson is better than Harry Potter are as follows:

10. Percy has a pen that becomes a sword (and he never loses it), but all Harry has is a wooden wand.

9. While Hogwarts may be great, who wouldn’t want to go to Camp Half-Blood?

8. Voldemort is just a messed-up wizard, but Kronos is a huge threat to the entire world.

7. Percy Jackson & the Olympians was hugely inspired by Greek mythology. Not so much with Harry Potter.

6. If there was an underwater fight, Percy would win for sure.

5. In fact, Percy can pretty much hold his own during a fight. I mean, he’s beaten Medusa, a Hydra, and he even squeezed past Luke and retrieved the lightning bolt. What did Harry do, besides maybe yelling “Expeliarmus” a whole bunch of times?

4. You seriously thought that Percy Jackson ripped off Harry Potter?

3. Grover and Annabeth are more loyal to Percy than Ron and Hermione are to Harry.

2. Percy’s story is a bit more exciting than Harry’s boring story.

1. At the end of the day, demigods rule and wizards drool.

Well, that’s all for this list, so I suggest that you set aside Harry Potter and start reading Percy Jackson. If you find yourself disagreeing with any of the above items for any reason, then let me know in the comments. See you next week for more Top 10 in Fandom!

Read J.K. Rowling’s new post for the latest Harry Potter ‘gossip’ (from Today.com)

via Read J.K. Rowling’s new post for the latest Harry Potter ‘gossip’

Well, once again, we have another Harry Potter story from J. K. Rowling. And as interesting as this may appear to be, it just feels like fan fiction. I mean, there’s way too much Harry Potter fan fiction out there, so why do we need some from the author. If she’s *THAT* desperate to continue the Harry Potter series, she should just publish some short stories on Amazon.com.

It’s as simple as that.

Not Another Harry Potter Story!!!

Ok, so once again, we have to deal with J. K. Rowling being unable to let go of her cash cow, I mean, Harry Potter. Good golly god, Rowling! Haven’t you had enough of Harry Potter? Because we sure have.

Besides, do we really care to hear about Harry Potter? No! We want to know more about Dumbledore, Snape, and the wizarding world in general. Plus, as the song states, we’re getting tired of Pooter.

(and yes, I meant to write Pooter instead of Potter. Thank you for pointing that out.)

Just mosey on along.

How Harry Potter Really Ended (Snowglobe Edition)

anti-Harry Potter stamp

anti-Harry Potter stamp (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

(WARNING: this blog post contains the infamous snowglobe ending as it was featured on St. Elsewhere…)

—–

Harry: I’m about to take down Dumbledore. Who’s willing to fight with me?

Jacquel: Well, before I answer that question, there’s something you need to know: you have a horde of angry people standing right behind you.

Harry: Say what now? (He sees Eragon, Arya, Saphira, Charlie Bone, Edward Cullen, Bella Swan, and Artemis Fowl standing behind him) Oh, this bites!

Eragon: Yeah. You’re nothing but a jerk and a loser!

Harry: Well, your story sucks!

Bella: So does yours!

Harry: Well, I never killed Cedric…

Percy Jackson: LIAR!! We all saw what you did in Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire! You killed Cedric and you know it!

Charlie: Get him!!!

(For the next few minutes, the song that was played during the stampede from The Lion King plays as the characters chase after Harry. Ron glares at Jacquel)

Ron: Did you seriously HAVE to resort to this???

Jacquel: Why not? It’s not like anyone would like him anyway.

Ron: Well, I have some bad news: your cousin Sean killed Voldemort.

Jacquel: I knew that would happen.

Hermione: Yeah, it’s all over now.

Sean: Nope! It ain’t over until the fat lady sings! (Just then, a very fat woman shows up and starts singing End of the Line.) Jacquelyn, it’s time for you to say goodbye to Hogwarts and leave now. (Jacquel sighs and goes to her room to pack her things. Just then, her autistic sister, Joanne, shows up and joins her. Snow is seen falling from the sky.)

*****

(The scene switches to a penthouse in present day New York. A woman is sitting in an easy chair. A little girl is sitting on the couch staring into a snowglobe. Just then, a man and a teenage girl walk into the room.)

Irina: So, how was your day, you two?

Arexus: We finally finished editing the seventh issue of Fantasy & Science Fiction Weekly today. I’m beat. (flops onto a chair)

Jacquelyn: Well, I have to make up a fantasy story for English class. Right now, I’m fighting with John Kelvin Rollins; he wants me to put witchcraft in my story. When is he going to learn that witchcraft is bad and witchcraft is wrong?

Irina: I think we need to have a chat with that boy’s parents. He’s out of control. Now, go wash yourselves up; dinner is ready. (She goes into the kitchen to make the plates. Jacquelyn follows her. Arexus goes to fetch Joanne.)

Arexus: Joanne, it’s time for dinner. Let’s put that snowglobe away and get some food, OK? (Joanne looks up from the snowglobe and stares at Arexus.) You know something, Rina?

Irina: What is it, Rex?

Arexus: I’m never going to understand this autism, Rina. We try to talk to Joanne, but she never seems to hear us. She just sits there in her own little world, staring at that snowglobe all day long. What is she thinking about?

Irina: We’ll make an appointment with Dr. Jensen tomorrow. (Takes snowglobe from Joanna.) Now, let’s have dinner. (She takes Joanne and they go into the kitchen. Arexus puts the snowglobe on the highest shelf on the bookcase and leaves. Inside the snowglobe is a replica of Hogwarts. Just then, the camera slowly pans around the Ritterwolf family and settles on a tiny kitten sitting on a nearby table. The kitten lets out a triumphant meow.)

The End!!!

~~~~~

Now, I know you’re all wondering why I ended this story the way I did, but I had to find a way to end the story without ruining the story altogether.

The fact that scores of characters from other series don’t like Harry Potter isn’t anything to laugh about, but it’s true. (Besides, why would you want to write a story about how Harry getting along with those other characters in the first place?)

And now for some questions that I know that you’ll all be asking me:

Why did Ron and Hermione bail on Harry?

Good question. The reason why they bailed on him was that after seven years of hanging out with Harry, you’d think that Ron and Hermione would stick by him. But realistically, I’m not too sure if they would want to, given the way that he was raised and isolated from the world until he turned 11 years old, I’m kind of not sure if I would stay friends with him, let alone them. Harry has either yelled at everyone or shut them out, two factors that cause me to drop a friendship. I mean, Harry does become a bully in later books.

So, who really killed Lord Voldemort?

Uh, did you not read the last part of the story?

I thought that Jacquelyn was an orphan and she never had any siblings! Who is Joanne and why is she here?

Well, maybe I chose not to include everything about Jacquelyn. Nobody has to know EVERYTHING about her.

So, you’ve implied that the entire Harry Potter Series took place in Joanne’s head. Were you trying to pull a Tommy Westphall moment?

Well, I’m glad you noticed that.

And what was with the rivalry between Jacquelyn and that one student?

That harkens back to the days when Harry Potter was accused of promoting witchcraft.

And why the meowing cat at the end of the story?

Interesting you should ask, because I have a story regarding the cat.

As we all know, there was once a cat called Mimsie. She was the mascot of MTM Enterprises as a parody of the famous MGM lion. She was featured at the end credits of various TV shows, such as The Mary Tyler Moore Show, St. Elsewhere, Hill Street Blues, and Newhart.

But in the year 1988, after the controversial series finale of St. Elsewhere, the cat was flatlined at the end of the closing credits and it died. That act angered millions of people, especially cat owners, and NBC was hit by millions of angry letters regarding that tasteless joke.

And the ending of this story with the family cat meowing in the end is a sign that Mimsie will return to rule the world once again. (And you wonder why cats rule the Internet)

Now you know.

Look for another blog post tomorrow.

Enhanced by Zemanta