Never Thought We Would See This Happen…

Well, it’s happening today.

If you remember the bad fanfiction that was the Harry Potter epilogue, it has been 19 years since the Voldemort Wars ended.

Meaning, it’s officially 19 years later; on that day, a young boy was sent to Hogwarts by his parents, and reading that part in Harry Potter & the Deathly Hollows was AWKWARD for everyone!

But that’s not what this blog post is about.

In fact, I must say that today is the day when we finally see the dreaded Harry Potter epilogue come to life. As in, Harry’s poorly-named second son is on his way to Hogwarts.

I don’t believe it.

10 Reasons Hogwarts Is The Worst Damn School Ever

In this blog post, the writer is making a point that Hogwarts isn’t the type of school for kids to be attending. Far from it. I’m going to just say that this is very well-written and yet funny at the same time.

A VERY STRANGE PLACE

Hey everybody, look at that title! If you can’t guess what something called “10 Reasons Hogwarts Is The Worst Damn School Ever” is about, than I officially have to confiscate your eyeballs.

Ahem.

10: “You Know What Would Be Funny? Making People Run In To Walls.”

This is just a minor nitpick, but seriously, what the fuck was up with Platform 9 3/4?!

Think about it: Hogwarts sends letters to these kids, tell them they’re magic, then say “oh, by the way, run in to this brick wall”. What, is the entire admission system run by the Three Stooges?!

Wait a second, that’s a lie. They don’t even say “run in to this wall”, they just say “go to this station that doesn’t actually exist”. The only reason Harry doesn’t assume that the Durleys were playing a practical joke is because he runs in to the Weasleys which is incidentally…

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We’re Sick & Tired of Potter (Parody of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”)

Tyler, Marty, & Coco

Tyler, Marty, & Coco (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

James & Lily Potter, babies with lightning-bolt scars / Lord Voldemort, Dumbledore hands a baby to relatives / Wizards, magic, terror everywhere / innocent man is sent to Azkaban / abusive relatives, fat boys with pig’s tails / snakes escaping from encasements, magic everywhere / Hagrid, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry, shopping in Diagon Alley / Dark Lord comes to the house and kills his parents, being declared the Boy-Who-Lived, here we go

Chorus: We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / We’re sick and tired of Potter / 9-11 started it, Charlie Bone will stop it

King’s Cross, 9 and 3/4, red-haired family / Hogwarts Express, meeting Ron & Hermione / trip to Hogwarts, student sorting, Gryffindor / Quidditch, fighting trolls / invisibility cloaks, Mirror of Erised / meeting Dumbledore, this seems fun / sorcerer’s stone, Nicolas Flamel / 3rd floor corridor, facing Quirrell

Chorus: We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / We’re sick and tired of Potter / there’s other books that we should be reading

Chamber of Secrets, Ginny Weasley, flying cars, crazy house-elves / Malfoy, Gilderoy Lockhart never seemed to be the right choice / strange voices, petrified people, muggleborns must go home / Tom Riddle, basilisk, freeing Dobby / Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, werewolves, rats, and traitors / Goblets of Fire, foreign wizard schools, Cedric Diggory / Lord Voldemort returns, like didn’t they get rid of him in the first book?

Chorus: We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / We’re sick and tired of Potter / where are those Christian books when we need them?

Dementors, Howlers, Ministry of Magic, / Order of the Phoenix / evil teacher, evil spreads, prophecy is foretold / London attacked, muggles frightened, what are we to do / half-blood prince, secret pasts, things get worse / Dumbledore gets zapped to death, he really had it coming

Chorus: We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / We’re sick and tired of Potter / it has gone on for way too long now

witchcraft, wizardry, the claim that magic is harmless, people just don’t want God in / deathly hallows, Harry’s now of age, attacks get worse, people die / Harry’s in hiding, hostages at Hogwarts, Neville Longbottom becomes a hero / big epic fight, scores of wizards die, Harry faces Voldie, wins the day / Dumbledore turned out to be gay, was in league with Grindelwald, / 19 years later, sends his kids to Hogwarts / one kid named Albus-Severus, I can’t take this crap anymore

Chorus: We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / We’re sick and tired of Potter / it’s too old now, can we have something new?
We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / But when we are gone / we hope Potter is gone along with us…

What is Gareth Hall Academy?

Alnwick Castle, the castle used for filming ex...

Alnwick Castle, the castle used for filming exterior shots of Hogwarts in the Potter films. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Long ago, when I was writing Harry Potter fan fiction, I had come up with the idea of an alternative magical school since Hogwarts can’t be the only magical school in England. This alternative school is for those who did not get their acceptance letters to Hogwarts and/or preferred to attend a public school and go home in the evenings, as opposed to an actual boarding school.

Also, Hogwarts doesn’t appear to be a normal school because all the kids seem to study all the time. There are no after-school activities, very few sporting events, and dances are virtually nonexistent.

And to make matters worse, Hogwarts was run by Albus Dumbledore, a man whose reputation is questionable. Who would want to attend a school like that? There has to be a better place for magical students to attend.

Which is why I invented the school called Gareth Hall Academy.

The school was first mentioned in the fan fiction “Harry Potter & the Lifetime Original Sequel“, where the character Jacquel Romanov was supposed to be attending Gareth Hall as per her mother’s wishes, but she was forced to attend Hogwarts. She eventually chooses to attend Gareth Hall Academy, but not without giving up the friends that she had made over the years and choosing to drop the “orphan princess” persona that she had carried throughout her years as a Hogwarts student.

That was one example of how Gareth Hall Academy was featured in fan fiction, but we would like to know just how different Gareth Hall is from Hogwarts.

Hogwarts was founded by Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin. Gareth Hall Academy was founded by Maurice Gareth. Both schools were built during the Middle Ages, when the persecution of witches was in its prime.

Hogwarts is divided into four houses, with each house being headed by Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. (Well, there were rumors that there had been a fifth Hogwarts house headed by Phargi Phoenixfur, but that’s another story.) Gareth Hall Academy doesn’t believe in sorting its students at all, as it was known that sorting students into different houses tended to cause unnecessary friction within the school.

Hogwarts was built as a huge castle while Gareth Hall Academy blends in with its surroundings as an actual school building. It was said that Gareth Hall could double as an actual boarding school (which happened during World War II), but for all intents and purposes, it functions as a regular (but magical) public school.

Hogwarts sends out letters inviting students to study in its school based upon whether or not the student came from a magical family. Gareth Hall Academy doesn’t concern itself with the family history of any of its students.

Hogwarts is seen as the elite school while Gareth Hall Academy is barely noticeable.

While Hogwarts only employs Quidditch as it’s main sport, Gareth Hall Academy has a football (soccer for non-British people), baseball, and several other sports.

And when it comes to its students, Hogwarts is notorious for turning out dark wizards and witches as well as imcompetent wizards. Gareth Hall Academy’s students make sure to be known only for their superb magical skills and less about their behavior.

We could go on comparing and contrasting Hogwarts and Gareth Hall all day, but that’s not the point of this essay. There’s still more things that need to be covered.

As was mentioned before, Gareth Hall functions as more of a magical public school and less of a collection place for talented wizards and witches. Also, since the school’s opening and susquential endurance over the years, very few people tended to notice Gareth Hall Academy at all. In fact, most wizards would rather send their children to Hogwarts than a school that sits in a mainly muggle city.

While we’re on the subject of location, the students at Hogwarts are mostly isolated from the rest of the wizarding world, save for the nearby wizarding village of Hogsmeade. The students of Gareth Hall Academy, however, can easily keep up with the changing times because they are surrounded by various buildings and stores that are located next to the school.

Other factors that separate Gareth Hall from the rest of the wizarding world is their education of squibs (wizards born without magic). Hogwarts has no such program to deal with that and most squibs were seen as a disgrace to their families. (There is also Merlin’s School of Magic, which also educates squibs, but that’s another story.)

So, what does this say about Harry Potter?

If he had gone to Gareth Hall Academy instead of Hogwarts, he might have become a better person overall. There would have been no need for him to get involved in Dumbledore’s lies and schemes and he wouldn’t have to fight any dark wizards either. In fact, the whole “Lord Voldemort” problem could have easily been taken care of without Harry being involved at all.

Such are the ways of this world!

But anyway, I’m now in the process of developing a new story about Gareth Hall Academy and its doings as opposed to the events of Harry Potter’s years as a Hogwarts student. The students there pay very close attention to those events and some of them are questioning the quality and validity of Hogwarts when word of its troubles gets out and the world learns about it.

Or we could have the following fan fiction options: Supposedly that Harry was indeed expelled from Hogwarts and was forced to attend Gareth Hall Academy. What would he do now that he is no longer a Hogwarts student? Would he be able to make new friends? Would anyone want to hang out with him if they knew who he really was?

Or let’s try this: Harry decides that Hogwarts isn’t for him and he wants to find another magical school to attend. He persuades the Dursleys to find a school for him and they eventually discover Gareth Hall.

And here’s another one: Harry is sent to Gareth Hall as an exchange student. He stays for an entire year. But when it comes time for him to go back to Hogwarts, is he willing to leave his new friends behind, or will he fight for his right to stay at Gareth Hall?

And one more idea to toss out there: What if the Dursleys learned about Gareth Hall and instead of sending Harry to Hogwarts, they send him to Gareth Hall?

These ideas seem to be better than what we have out there. One day, I hope that someone will actually write a story out of these ideas and put Harry Potter in his proper place.