How Harry Potter Really Ended (Snowglobe Edition)

anti-Harry Potter stamp

anti-Harry Potter stamp (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

(WARNING: this blog post contains the infamous snowglobe ending as it was featured on St. Elsewhere…)

—–

Harry: I’m about to take down Dumbledore. Who’s willing to fight with me?

Jacquel: Well, before I answer that question, there’s something you need to know: you have a horde of angry people standing right behind you.

Harry: Say what now? (He sees Eragon, Arya, Saphira, Charlie Bone, Edward Cullen, Bella Swan, and Artemis Fowl standing behind him) Oh, this bites!

Eragon: Yeah. You’re nothing but a jerk and a loser!

Harry: Well, your story sucks!

Bella: So does yours!

Harry: Well, I never killed Cedric…

Percy Jackson: LIAR!! We all saw what you did in Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire! You killed Cedric and you know it!

Charlie: Get him!!!

(For the next few minutes, the song that was played during the stampede from The Lion King plays as the characters chase after Harry. Ron glares at Jacquel)

Ron: Did you seriously HAVE to resort to this???

Jacquel: Why not? It’s not like anyone would like him anyway.

Ron: Well, I have some bad news: your cousin Sean killed Voldemort.

Jacquel: I knew that would happen.

Hermione: Yeah, it’s all over now.

Sean: Nope! It ain’t over until the fat lady sings! (Just then, a very fat woman shows up and starts singing End of the Line.) Jacquelyn, it’s time for you to say goodbye to Hogwarts and leave now. (Jacquel sighs and goes to her room to pack her things. Just then, her autistic sister, Joanne, shows up and joins her. Snow is seen falling from the sky.)

*****

(The scene switches to a penthouse in present day New York. A woman is sitting in an easy chair. A little girl is sitting on the couch staring into a snowglobe. Just then, a man and a teenage girl walk into the room.)

Irina: So, how was your day, you two?

Arexus: We finally finished editing the seventh issue of Fantasy & Science Fiction Weekly today. I’m beat. (flops onto a chair)

Jacquelyn: Well, I have to make up a fantasy story for English class. Right now, I’m fighting with John Kelvin Rollins; he wants me to put witchcraft in my story. When is he going to learn that witchcraft is bad and witchcraft is wrong?

Irina: I think we need to have a chat with that boy’s parents. He’s out of control. Now, go wash yourselves up; dinner is ready. (She goes into the kitchen to make the plates. Jacquelyn follows her. Arexus goes to fetch Joanne.)

Arexus: Joanne, it’s time for dinner. Let’s put that snowglobe away and get some food, OK? (Joanne looks up from the snowglobe and stares at Arexus.) You know something, Rina?

Irina: What is it, Rex?

Arexus: I’m never going to understand this autism, Rina. We try to talk to Joanne, but she never seems to hear us. She just sits there in her own little world, staring at that snowglobe all day long. What is she thinking about?

Irina: We’ll make an appointment with Dr. Jensen tomorrow. (Takes snowglobe from Joanna.) Now, let’s have dinner. (She takes Joanne and they go into the kitchen. Arexus puts the snowglobe on the highest shelf on the bookcase and leaves. Inside the snowglobe is a replica of Hogwarts. Just then, the camera slowly pans around the Ritterwolf family and settles on a tiny kitten sitting on a nearby table. The kitten lets out a triumphant meow.)

The End!!!

~~~~~

Now, I know you’re all wondering why I ended this story the way I did, but I had to find a way to end the story without ruining the story altogether.

The fact that scores of characters from other series don’t like Harry Potter isn’t anything to laugh about, but it’s true. (Besides, why would you want to write a story about how Harry getting along with those other characters in the first place?)

And now for some questions that I know that you’ll all be asking me:

Why did Ron and Hermione bail on Harry?

Good question. The reason why they bailed on him was that after seven years of hanging out with Harry, you’d think that Ron and Hermione would stick by him. But realistically, I’m not too sure if they would want to, given the way that he was raised and isolated from the world until he turned 11 years old, I’m kind of not sure if I would stay friends with him, let alone them. Harry has either yelled at everyone or shut them out, two factors that cause me to drop a friendship. I mean, Harry does become a bully in later books.

So, who really killed Lord Voldemort?

Uh, did you not read the last part of the story?

I thought that Jacquelyn was an orphan and she never had any siblings! Who is Joanne and why is she here?

Well, maybe I chose not to include everything about Jacquelyn. Nobody has to know EVERYTHING about her.

So, you’ve implied that the entire Harry Potter Series took place in Joanne’s head. Were you trying to pull a Tommy Westphall moment?

Well, I’m glad you noticed that.

And what was with the rivalry between Jacquelyn and that one student?

That harkens back to the days when Harry Potter was accused of promoting witchcraft.

And why the meowing cat at the end of the story?

Interesting you should ask, because I have a story regarding the cat.

As we all know, there was once a cat called Mimsie. She was the mascot of MTM Enterprises as a parody of the famous MGM lion. She was featured at the end credits of various TV shows, such as The Mary Tyler Moore Show, St. Elsewhere, Hill Street Blues, and Newhart.

But in the year 1988, after the controversial series finale of St. Elsewhere, the cat was flatlined at the end of the closing credits and it died. That act angered millions of people, especially cat owners, and NBC was hit by millions of angry letters regarding that tasteless joke.

And the ending of this story with the family cat meowing in the end is a sign that Mimsie will return to rule the world once again. (And you wonder why cats rule the Internet)

Now you know.

Look for another blog post tomorrow.

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Ari Pokker & the Evils of Magic

The following story is based off the comic Hairy Polarity and the Self-Mocking Fundie Satire by Tim Todd

This short story was written by Jeana Sollman in the story “Harry Potter Destroyed My Town” and there was a huge uproar over the fact that the Harry Potter books were treated as a guidebook for witchcraft and it offended scores of Harry Potter fans living in Nander Castle, Nevada.

Here’s what the story is about:

10-year-old Ari Pokker is a huge fan of science fiction and fantasy books, namely the Hanny Polanny books. The books were written by a man named M. G. Sullins. His friends Mimsie Langer and Joy Umber are also huge fans of Hanny Polanny.

One day, Ari’s parents, John and Lucy, tell Ari that he needs to stop hanging out with Mimsie and to find some Christian friends. They also do not approve of the Hanny Polanny books, as they and several other Christians had read the books and found out that the books were promoting witchcraft instead of enjoyment of reading. Ari protests against this and sneaks off to the bookstore, where he meets with Mimsie and Joy. Joy reveals that she and her mother, Inger, had gotten into a fight when she suggests that Joy should stop reading the Hanny Polanny books and start reading Christian-themed books instead.

Mimsie, not to be outdone by her friends, sneaks into the bookstore and the kids discover that M. G. Sullins is about to turn Hanny Polanny into a movie. Joy confronts him about how he was able to write the Hanny Polanny books. He first tries to lie to the kids, but the truth comes out—he was influenced by demons! The demons, angered by the resurgence of Christian-themed fantasy books, forced M. G., then a struggling screenwriter, to write a story about a boy named Hanny Polanny who attends a magical school. The demons then added their brand of evil to the books, which resulted in the books’ popularity, but stirs up controversy from Christians and non-Christians alike.

Joy becomes alarmed and tries to get the others to leave, but then demons come out and attempt to capture the kids. In an effort to save himself and his friends, Ari sets fire to the Hanny Polanny display, which kills the demons and destroys the Hanny Polanny books. The kids escape, but Mimsie is badly hurt and M. G. is killed.

With the death of M. G. Sullins and the destruction of the Hanny Polanny books, Ari has come to realize that the books were indeed evil and he never should have read them in the first place. He apologizes to his parents for disobeying them. Joy reveals that she persuaded a young author named J. P. Wordling to rewrite the Hanny Polanny books, but to leave out the witchcraft and instead expand the story about Hanny Polanny’s magical adventures.

Also, Mimsie recovers and she too understands that the Hanny Polanny books were evil and she was wrong to read them and also, she never should have snuck Ari and Joy into the bookstore. She decides to become a Christian, as does Joy.

And as the world enjoys a new and improved version of the Hanny Polanny books written by J. P. Wordling, the demons are not happy with being defeated by Ari, Mimsie, and Joy, and they seek to gain revenge on the kids for their defeat…

Hairy Polarity blog post: https://theblogthatmadenosense.wordpress.com/2013/05/13/hairy-polarity-and-the-sinister-sorcery-satire/

Another Way to End Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone

(based on the alternative ending to The Story That Made No Sense)

Harry walked through the door and into a small room. He saw a small table in the middle of the room and on the table was the stone. The famed Sorcerer’s Stone. That stone that he had been looking for for several weeks. He reached out to touch the stone when a hand stopped him.

Professor Snape?” Harry cried out as he turned to face the man. “No, no; it can’t be! It just can’t be!” Professor Snape frowned as he looked at the boy.

“What are you doing here, Harry Potter?” Professor Snape snapped in anger.

“Ron, Hermione and I all thought that someone was going to steal the Sorcerer’s Stone, so that’s why I came here,” said Harry.

“Indeed,” said Professor Snape.

Just then, there was a muffled scream, and Professor McGonagall and Professor Vector came out, with Professor Quirrell between them. He was bound hand and foot.

“Professor McGonagall?” Harry squeaked, but the old woman glared at him. “We caught Professor Quirrell trying to sneak into the Third Floor Corridor,” she said.

“How did you—” Harry began, but she continued, “I saw Filch dragging young Neville Longbottom around the school and demanded an explanation. When Neville mentioned that Professor Quirrell was going to steal the stone and you and your friends were going to stop him, we had to take action.”

Harry gasped as he saw Hermione and Ron, standing with several other teachers. Professor Dumbledore was among the teachers. He said, “Thank you for alerting me to the situation, young Harry. If it weren’t for you kids, we might not have known that Professor Quirrell was trying to steal the Stone from the school.”

“So what’s going to happen now?” Harry cried out.

“First, Professor Quirrell’s going to be spending a few long years in prison and we’re going to put the Sorcerer’s Stone in a place where it will never be found,” said Dumbledore.

“But what about Nicolas Flamel,” said Harry. “He might want it back!”

“Indeed,” said Dumbledore. “All the same, we must put it away so that it cannot be found and used for evil. I shall speak with him about this. And you kids should go back to bed and get some rest.”

“About the stone,” Harry wondered. “What about the stone granting eternal life?”

“The story about the stone granting immortal life is nothing more than a myth,” said the old wizard. “In the old days, seeking immortality was a crime punishable by death in the wizarding world.”

McGonagall said, “And had Quirrell gotten to it before we did, it would be nothing short of a disaster, one that not even Albus himself would be able to stop. Now, let’s finish this business, as we have more important things to take care of.”

***

Within a few hours, Harry found himself facing his friends in the Great Hall. The whole school looked at him with suspicion. Professor Quirrell was not there; Dumbledore had told everyone that Quirrell had been arrested for stealing the Sorcerer’s Stone.

Dumbledore then said, “I have some awards to give out. For using logic to solve the most complex of problems, I hereby present this medal to Hermione Granger!” A few scattered applauses filled the hall, coming mainly from the Gryffindor students, as nobody really liked Hermione, save for Harry and Ron. Hermione frowned as she went to get her medal.

Dumbledore then said, “For solving one of the world’s toughest riddles, I hereby present this medal to Ron Weasley!” The applause was more clustered coming mainly from the Gryffindor students, especially the Weasleys, but then again, nobody really liked Ron. He smiled as he went to get his medal.

The old headmaster said, “The next medal goes to he who showed love and bravery in the face of a dangerous enemy and prevented a disaster. I award this medal to Harry James Potter!” This time, everyone in the Great Hall cheered as Harry rushed forward to claim his medal. He had never gotten rewarded for anything in his life and that win was worth more to him than anything in the world. For now, that is.

But it was not over yet, for Dumbledore then said, “It’s not enough for us to stand up to those who are our enemies, but sometimes we must also stand up to our friends as well. I hereby recognize Neville Longbottom for his efforts.” The applause was now thunderous and everyone clapped Neville on his back. Neville was touched; no one liked him and so far no one cared to become his friend. But Harry Potter became his friend and that was all that mattered.

Draco slammed down his wizarding hat in disgust. So did the other Slytherins. Draco hated Harry since Day 1 and the fact that Harry was famous made his blood boil. So did being in Gryffindor and refusing to befriend him. Draco threw Harry a hateful look and left the Great Hall.

But Harry didn’t care; he was just living in the moment. Ron, Hermione, and even Neville beamed with excitement. Everyone cheered for their hero, not knowing that tomorrow would be heartbreaking for poor little Harry. He would have to go back to the Dursleys in the morning.

Harry stood at the train station the next day. He was talking to Hagrid. Hagrid said, “You don’t look too happy, Harry. I wonder why.”

“I don’t want to go back to the Dursleys,” said Harry. Hagrid stared at him. “They don’t treat me right, and I highly doubt if they would be willing to allow me to leave their house now, let alone attend Hogwarts or any other school.” Harry began to cry. “I just want to be a normal boy and be loved.”

Hagrid hugged him, frowning as he realized where Harry was going to end up. Back at the Dursleys. Back to the Muggles who mistreated him. He would not allow this. Why Dumbledore was sending him back there, he would never know.

He said, “Don’t worry, I’ll get in touch with Minerva and see if she wants to keep you at her mansion for the summer. Over her dead body will you return to the Dursleys.”

Harry sighed as he waved goodbye to Ron and Hermione as the train left the station. He knew that he was going to have a better summer than the summer that he had had before Hagrid arrived. Hedwig glanced at him and he nodded, knowing that for the first time in his life, things were certainly looking up for him now.

The End!!!

How Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows should have ended…

Dobby in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ...

Dobby in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Harry: I’m about to take down Dumbledore. Who’s willing to fight with me?

Jacquel: Well, before I answer that question, there’s something you need to know: Dumbledore was actually in league with Grindelwald.

Seamus: And both of them knocked me up. Twice.

Jacquel: Back to my original question: how dumb are you?

Ron: That’s not very nice!

Bellatrix: I knew Dumbledore was a stupid old bastard…(Neville chops her head off)

Neville: Yeah! That’s for my family, you bitch! (Nagini hisses at him) Don’t think I won’t go for you! (he kills Nagini)

Ron: Whoa, Neville! You’ve gone all badass!

Hermione: Exactly like that wolf-guy said.

Jacquel: And I’m supposed to marry the blonde haired guy.

Harry: Lucius Malfoy?

Jacquel: No way! I’m not marrying him, not with his long hair, elegant clothes, swinging that pimp cane around…no!

Voldemort: I have my wand out, Potter. I’m going to kill you now.

Sean: Not if I kill you first! (he pounces on Voldemort and kills him. then someone shows up)

Sirius: Hey, what’d I miss?

Seamus: Not much, just Sean killed Voldemort, Remus knocked up your cousin and bolted, and Jacquelyn got married.

Sirius: To who?

James (from Twilight): Unfortunately, she has married Caius from the Volturi.

All: WHAT?

Fred: You mean to tell me that after all this time, Magnus and I were about to fight for Jacquel and SHE runs off and marries someone else?

Magnus: Jacquel, what were you thinking?

Jacquel: Yeah, I should have said I was engaged to Caius since I was 9 years old.

Magnus: He’s a vampire! You can’t marry him! Think of your fans!

Jacquel: I have no fans; only idiots who think my grandpa was a monster and my grandmother smelled of poisoned goop!

Harry: Well, this sucks! Jacquel marries a vampire, Fred dies, George loses an ear, Hermione marries Ron, Draco marries some other girl, and Dumbledore is a douche. (noticing fans leaving) Hey, where do you think you’re going?

Fan #1: We’re leaving you, Harry. Your story sucks!

Fan #2: You shouldn’t have married that Ginny Weasley in the first place!

Fan #3: I still remembered what you did to that Cedric Diggory!

Harry: But why are you ditching me?

Magnus: Plain and simple, Harry. Nobody likes you anymore.

Harry: Why me?

The End!

How Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince Should Have Ended…

Albus Dumbledore

Albus Dumbledore (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(Dumbledore‘s death)

Dumbledore: Draco, put away your wand. You’re not a killer.

Bellatrix: Zap him, Drake. He’s a liar and a monster.

Draco: If you’re saying that, why aren’t YOU the one aiming your wand at him?

Bellatrix: Plain and simple; he killed my best friend! Joanna Rowes was my best friend and he killed her!

Julia: What? SHE was friends with my mother?

Jacquel: Inconceivable!

Draco: But what if it is true?

Jacquel: I’ll take my chances on that.

Snape: I shall now…shoot him down like a dog! (he makes to zap Dumbledore, but misses and zaps Harry instead) Crap!

Jacquel: I’ll do it…since he killed my mother and all…(she kicks him off the tower “300” style)

Harry: Jacquel, how could you?

Jacquel: He killed my mother! Why would you follow a man like him?

Draco: If he’d killed my mother, I would have done the same thing.

Harry: You really are an “Evil Faith“!

Draco: Only she can say that, Pothead! Not you!

Snape: And we all knew that Hagrid was the Half-Blood Prince all along!

Harry: What about you? Your mother’s maiden name was Prince.

Jacquel: And that’s what we all mean!

Snape: I always knew Hagrid’s family was messed up. His mother was a walrus and his father smelled of applesauce.

 

How Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix Should Have Ended…

Some Ministry officials in Harry Potter and th...

Some Ministry officials in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, from left to right: John Dawlish, auror; Dolores Umbridge, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister; Cornelius Fudge, Minister for Magic; and Kingsley Shacklebolt, auror. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(Everyone is in the Department of Mysteries)

Harry: OK, here’s what we do: Ron, you throw chess pieces at Lucius and call him all sorts of nasty names; Hermione, you throw a book at Bellatrix Lestrange…

Neville: Uh, Harry, I believe that’s my job…

Harry: Uh, right, Neville. And as for you, Jacquel…well, you’re next to useless unless you get yourself captured by Fenrir Greyback and then I can go rescue you.

Jacquel: Harry, you idiot! Are you taking my character and completely remaking it to create “pointless drama” that is completely unnecessary?

Hermione: Well, the viewers want to see you as the beautiful girl everyone loves and not be hated for no reason.

Jacquel: What? OK, that’s it! I will NOT be bowing down to no Mary-Sueism! I quit this joint! We are all broken up! (she storms off. Death Eaters show up and kill everyone. Hermione is heard screaming her head off)

Sirius: Well, this ain’t nothing like the ride at the Harry Potter park!

Lupin: You said it!

How Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire Should Have Ended…

The Dark Mark as produced in the film of Harry...

The Dark Mark as produced in the film of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(right after Cedric dies and Harry fights Lord Voldemort and escapes)

Dumbledore: Last night, we received word of a terrible tragedy and today, we are experiencing a terrible loss. One of our students has been murdered. (all gasp) And while the Minister doesn’t want you to know the truth behind how he died, I feel that for you to not know the truth would be an insult to his memory. Therefore you all have the right to know how he died. Cedric Diggory was murdered by Lord Voldemort. (students groan. some of the girls start crying) And that is an unfortunate event indeed in the history of Hogwarts.

Nelena: Yeah, whatever.

Dumbledore: Cedric was a brave and loyal student and we will miss him terribly.

Nelena: Yeah, whatever.

Dumbledore: But now he is gone, and yet he taught us one thing: while we all may come from different worlds and have different views about magic, we all have the same heart. And so, we dedicate this evening to a student who gave his life for the good of the wizarding world.

Nelena: Yeah, whatever.

Jacquel: Say that one more time and I’ll come over there and beat the crap out of you! (Edward shows up. everyone gasps) Edward? Why are you here?

Cho: Cedric? You’re alive?

Edward: I’m not Cedric. I’m Edward Cullen.

Jacquel: Hey! I remember you! You’re a vampire!

Cho: Cedric’s a vampire?

Hermione: No, Cho. It’s Edward Cullen from Twilight.

Edward: Where is Harry?

Cho: Why?

Edward: I have a bone to pick with him.

Ron: Why?

Harry: What did I do?

Edward: You left me to die!

Harry: How?

Edward: This…

(flashback)

Voldemort: Avada Kevadra! (Cedric falls down dead)

Harry: Nooooooo! Cedric! (Cedric dies. Carlisle sees him)

Carlisle: Oh, this is injustice! The cute boy doesn’t deserve to die! I shall fix that! (he bites Cedric and changes him)

Cedric: Who are you, and more importantly, who am I?

Carlisle: I’m Carlisle Cullen, vampire extraordinaire. I’m also a doctor.

Cedric: Really?

Carlisle: Of course I am. Now, no more Cedric; it’s a stupid name! You’ll be known as Edward Cullen, mindreading extraodinaire. You’ll wear the coolest shirts and become a vampire.

Cedric: What? No wizard powers?

Carlisle: No! Wizards are stupid and they are evil! Only a vampire can do cool stuff like your mindreadng. Now let’s go show everyone how awesome you are!

(flashback ends)

Edward: Now you know. (notices Jacquel) And what are YOU doing here?

Jacquel: Blame the Volturi; they’re a bunch of stupid punks to begin with and Caius wanted to be “more that just friends” with me…

Caius: Oh no you did-ent!

Harry: She just did!

Edward: You didn’t care about me; you left me to die! Now I’m gonna give you what for! (pounces on Harry and attacks him)

Harry: Help me, Jacquel!

Jacquel: No way, Harry! When this ends, you’ll be riding a horse nude on Broadway and girls will love Cedric and hate you for allowing him to die!

Malfoy: And you just wanted to get into Cho’s pants!

Jacquel: Nobody asked you, Evil Faith!

Voldemort: Well, I never should have killed that boy in the first place.

Carlisle: Oh, so it was YOU who killed him? I usually don’t condone violence, but you are a lost cause! (jumps on Voldemort and rips his head off)

Kids: EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!

Aro: Oh Carlisle! You’re so gorgeous when you’re covered in blood! (Jacquel slaps him across his face) Why did you hit me like that? You’re so mean! (starts crying)

Jacquel: Don’t even go there, Aro! (meanwhile, Harry is getting his butt kicked by Edward)

Harry: I’m sorry I let you die!

Bella: Too late, Potter! A real friend would fight to the death to keep him alive! You fail, and so do that retarded redhead jerk and that stupid bucktoothed nerd girl sitting next to you!

Neville: Do I fail?

Jacob: Nope. You go all badass in the finale. And Jacquel marries the blond haired vampire jerk.

Caius: Yes!

Jacquel: What?

Fred & Magnus: Noooooo!

How Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban Should Have Ended…

Azkaban (heavily damaged) as seen in Harry Pot...

Azkaban (heavily damaged) as seen in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(Everyone is in the Shrieking Shack)

Sirius: We should kill him! (Wormtail freaks out)

Lupin: Yes, lets. (they raise their wands)

Harry: Uh, no. Maybe we should turn him in.

Jacquel: Not right now.

All: Why not?

Jacquel: It’s a full moon tonight. We should wait until morning.

Ron: SERIOUSLY, Jacquel. You just keep getting weirder and weirder!

Hermione: She knows what she’s doing, Ron.

Harry: Well, morning sounds great.

(The next morning…)

Snape: Aha! I caught you two! It’s Azkaban for you!

Lupin: Now Severus, you can’t just haul us off to Azkaban without sufficient evidence.

Snape: And I say you should be grateful, for if Miss Romanov didn’t notice the telltale signs that you were a werewolf, things would have been worse.

Sirius: Shut the hell up!

Snape: Very well then. (he gathers the kids and they all return to Hogwarts)

(confronting Fudge)

Fudge: You mean to tell me that Sirius Black was set up by Peter Pettigrew, who betrayed the Potters to Lord Voldemort and killed 13 people with a single curse?

Harry: That’s true.

Fudge: I see.

Jacquel: So will you admit you made a terrible mistake?

Fudge: Well, I’ll be humiliated and people will say bad things about me, but yes, I will.

Dumbledore: Very well then. I suppose we have much to do then.

(A few evenings later…)

Dumbledore: Unfortunately, Slytherin has won the house cup, again…(Slytherins mock as everyone else boos) But then again, Harry Potter and Jacquel Romanov are being commended for bringing a man to justice and for telling us that our justice system is broken.

Lupin: And I’m leaving Hogwarts at the end of this term and taking Jacquelyn with me. She’s my daughter.

All: WHAT?

How Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets Should Have Ended…

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Harry: We gotta save Ginny!

Jacquel: Do you have a plan?

Harry: No!

Jacquel: Well, I have one…

Ron: What is it?

Jacquel: We go into the Chamber of Secrets, arm ourselves with mirrors and a sword, and kill the book!

Ron: Why would you kill a book?

Jacquel: Because it’s causing all this trouble!

Harry: You mean a book is causing trouble for us?

Jacquel: That’s exactly what I mean, Harry. So I suggest that we all go kill the book and save the school. And NOT a word to Hermione about me killing a book.

Harry & Ron: Agreed. (Gilderoy Lockhart shows up)

Lockhart: Aha! I caught you three sneaking in! What do you have to say for yourselves?

Ron: This! (he pushes Lockhart down the slide in Moaning Myrtle‘s Bathroom and the others follow)

Lockhart: You’ll be paying for this! (zaps Harry)

Harry: Uh, who am I? (he had his memories erased)

Ron: Crap! Well, Jacquel, looks like it’s just you and me now!

Jacquel: We’re only young once. (they find the book and stab it with Gryffindor’s sword. Ginny wakes up)

Ginny: Hey, what the heck happened here?

Jacquel: We got rid of that basilisk.

Ron: And killed a book.

Ginny: Hermione is so gonna kill you for that, Ron!

Ron: Yeah, so, and why should I care? She’s a freaking nerd anyway!

Lockhart: I heard that!

(The next day)

Dumbledore: Unfortunately, once again, Slytherin has won the house cup…(Slytherins mock as everyone else boos) And also, we are sad to announce that Ginevra Weasley has been sentenced to 50 years in Azkaban Prison for opening the Chamber of Secrets.

Malfoy: Weasley? Who’d thought of that?

Hermione: I’m sorry your sister got sent to prison.

Ron: Who cares about what you think, Hermione!

Jacquel: I wonder whatever happened to poor Harry.

Ron: Right. What DID happen to him?

Claire: (very dramatic) Gilderoy Lockhart (once again) took credit for defeating the basilisk and was hailed as a hero, which annoyed Jacquel and Ron to no end. But as for Harry, no one ever saw him again after the second term ended.

How Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone Should Have Ended…

English: Alternate coat of arms of Hogwarts sc...

English: Alternate coat of arms of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry from Harry Potter book series, by J.K Rowling, with added shading effects. For a reference i used a drawing found on the internet, probably an illustration from one of the books. The motto translates to “never tickle a sleeping dragon” vector drawing,.SVG format. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(Everyone is in the 3rd Room Corridor)

Harry: We gotta get the sorcerer’s stone before Lord Voldemort does!

Jacquel: No you don’t.

Harry: Yes we do! We have to, or else Snape will steal it and give it to Lord Voldemort!

Jacquel: And I say, no you don’t! Can’t you see? They’re just using you to get the stone so that you die and Dumbledore gets the stone!

Neville: It’s true. I saw it in a movie once.

Hermione: Oh, you have got to be kidding me!

Ron: That’s not true! Why would Dumbledore do that?

Jacquel: Because he’s a mean and evil bastard who manipulated Harry into doing whatever he wants and stuff like that.

Harry: You mean, he made me live with people who hate me and stuff like that?

Jacquel: That’s exactly what I mean, Harry. So I suggest that we all go to bed right now or else we’ll get in big trouble. (All mumble, but they agreed with Jacquel and went to bed)

(Meanwhile…)

Snape: Aha! I caught you Quirrell! What do you have to say for yourself?

Quirrell: Well, you’ll still be a boring teacher and I’m going to date a Movie Character. How do you like THEM apples?

Snape: You have the stone?

Quirrell: Yup. (He holds it up)

Snape: (waving his wand) AVADA KEDAVRA! (Quirrell falls down dead) Who’s the boring teacher now? (He takes the stone) Now to dispose of this thing…(he tosses it into the fire and it melts)

(The next day)

Dumbledore: Unfortunately, Slytherin has won the house cup…(Slytherins mock as everyone else boos) And also, we will have to have a resorting ceremony, seeing as SOME people are unfit to be in Gryffindor…(Harry, Jacquel, Neville, Stacey, and Jaden are brought forward) I have tested them and they all belong in Slytherin.

Malfoy: Hah! About time Potty knew his place!

Jacquel: Shut the hell up, Evil Faith!