Why am I rewriting “Away in England”? – Everything wrong with Harry Potter – Penana

https://www.penana.com/story/17889/why-am-i-rewriting-quot-away-in-england-quot/issue/1

In the following article, you may be wondering why I chose to rehash an old story instead of making up a new story. Maybe it’s because I really miss the first Harry Potter fanfiction art wrote and I wanted to rewrite it all over again with a new cast of characters.

Or maybe it’s because I want to call out the Harry Potter books for the crap that they are.

Who knows?

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How Harry Potter Really Ended (Snowglobe Edition)

anti-Harry Potter stamp

anti-Harry Potter stamp (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

(WARNING: this blog post contains the infamous snowglobe ending as it was featured on St. Elsewhere…)

—–

Harry: I’m about to take down Dumbledore. Who’s willing to fight with me?

Jacquel: Well, before I answer that question, there’s something you need to know: you have a horde of angry people standing right behind you.

Harry: Say what now? (He sees Eragon, Arya, Saphira, Charlie Bone, Edward Cullen, Bella Swan, and Artemis Fowl standing behind him) Oh, this bites!

Eragon: Yeah. You’re nothing but a jerk and a loser!

Harry: Well, your story sucks!

Bella: So does yours!

Harry: Well, I never killed Cedric…

Percy Jackson: LIAR!! We all saw what you did in Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire! You killed Cedric and you know it!

Charlie: Get him!!!

(For the next few minutes, the song that was played during the stampede from The Lion King plays as the characters chase after Harry. Ron glares at Jacquel)

Ron: Did you seriously HAVE to resort to this???

Jacquel: Why not? It’s not like anyone would like him anyway.

Ron: Well, I have some bad news: your cousin Sean killed Voldemort.

Jacquel: I knew that would happen.

Hermione: Yeah, it’s all over now.

Sean: Nope! It ain’t over until the fat lady sings! (Just then, a very fat woman shows up and starts singing End of the Line.) Jacquelyn, it’s time for you to say goodbye to Hogwarts and leave now. (Jacquel sighs and goes to her room to pack her things. Just then, her autistic sister, Joanne, shows up and joins her. Snow is seen falling from the sky.)

*****

(The scene switches to a penthouse in present day New York. A woman is sitting in an easy chair. A little girl is sitting on the couch staring into a snowglobe. Just then, a man and a teenage girl walk into the room.)

Irina: So, how was your day, you two?

Arexus: We finally finished editing the seventh issue of Fantasy & Science Fiction Weekly today. I’m beat. (flops onto a chair)

Jacquelyn: Well, I have to make up a fantasy story for English class. Right now, I’m fighting with John Kelvin Rollins; he wants me to put witchcraft in my story. When is he going to learn that witchcraft is bad and witchcraft is wrong?

Irina: I think we need to have a chat with that boy’s parents. He’s out of control. Now, go wash yourselves up; dinner is ready. (She goes into the kitchen to make the plates. Jacquelyn follows her. Arexus goes to fetch Joanne.)

Arexus: Joanne, it’s time for dinner. Let’s put that snowglobe away and get some food, OK? (Joanne looks up from the snowglobe and stares at Arexus.) You know something, Rina?

Irina: What is it, Rex?

Arexus: I’m never going to understand this autism, Rina. We try to talk to Joanne, but she never seems to hear us. She just sits there in her own little world, staring at that snowglobe all day long. What is she thinking about?

Irina: We’ll make an appointment with Dr. Jensen tomorrow. (Takes snowglobe from Joanna.) Now, let’s have dinner. (She takes Joanne and they go into the kitchen. Arexus puts the snowglobe on the highest shelf on the bookcase and leaves. Inside the snowglobe is a replica of Hogwarts. Just then, the camera slowly pans around the Ritterwolf family and settles on a tiny kitten sitting on a nearby table. The kitten lets out a triumphant meow.)

The End!!!

~~~~~

Now, I know you’re all wondering why I ended this story the way I did, but I had to find a way to end the story without ruining the story altogether.

The fact that scores of characters from other series don’t like Harry Potter isn’t anything to laugh about, but it’s true. (Besides, why would you want to write a story about how Harry getting along with those other characters in the first place?)

And now for some questions that I know that you’ll all be asking me:

Why did Ron and Hermione bail on Harry?

Good question. The reason why they bailed on him was that after seven years of hanging out with Harry, you’d think that Ron and Hermione would stick by him. But realistically, I’m not too sure if they would want to, given the way that he was raised and isolated from the world until he turned 11 years old, I’m kind of not sure if I would stay friends with him, let alone them. Harry has either yelled at everyone or shut them out, two factors that cause me to drop a friendship. I mean, Harry does become a bully in later books.

So, who really killed Lord Voldemort?

Uh, did you not read the last part of the story?

I thought that Jacquelyn was an orphan and she never had any siblings! Who is Joanne and why is she here?

Well, maybe I chose not to include everything about Jacquelyn. Nobody has to know EVERYTHING about her.

So, you’ve implied that the entire Harry Potter Series took place in Joanne’s head. Were you trying to pull a Tommy Westphall moment?

Well, I’m glad you noticed that.

And what was with the rivalry between Jacquelyn and that one student?

That harkens back to the days when Harry Potter was accused of promoting witchcraft.

And why the meowing cat at the end of the story?

Interesting you should ask, because I have a story regarding the cat.

As we all know, there was once a cat called Mimsie. She was the mascot of MTM Enterprises as a parody of the famous MGM lion. She was featured at the end credits of various TV shows, such as The Mary Tyler Moore Show, St. Elsewhere, Hill Street Blues, and Newhart.

But in the year 1988, after the controversial series finale of St. Elsewhere, the cat was flatlined at the end of the closing credits and it died. That act angered millions of people, especially cat owners, and NBC was hit by millions of angry letters regarding that tasteless joke.

And the ending of this story with the family cat meowing in the end is a sign that Mimsie will return to rule the world once again. (And you wonder why cats rule the Internet)

Now you know.

Look for another blog post tomorrow.

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Ari Pokker & the Evils of Magic

The following story is based off the comic Hairy Polarity and the Self-Mocking Fundie Satire by Tim Todd

This short story was written by Jeana Sollman in the story “Harry Potter Destroyed My Town” and there was a huge uproar over the fact that the Harry Potter books were treated as a guidebook for witchcraft and it offended scores of Harry Potter fans living in Nander Castle, Nevada.

Here’s what the story is about:

10-year-old Ari Pokker is a huge fan of science fiction and fantasy books, namely the Hanny Polanny books. The books were written by a man named M. G. Sullins. His friends Mimsie Langer and Joy Umber are also huge fans of Hanny Polanny.

One day, Ari’s parents, John and Lucy, tell Ari that he needs to stop hanging out with Mimsie and to find some Christian friends. They also do not approve of the Hanny Polanny books, as they and several other Christians had read the books and found out that the books were promoting witchcraft instead of enjoyment of reading. Ari protests against this and sneaks off to the bookstore, where he meets with Mimsie and Joy. Joy reveals that she and her mother, Inger, had gotten into a fight when she suggests that Joy should stop reading the Hanny Polanny books and start reading Christian-themed books instead.

Mimsie, not to be outdone by her friends, sneaks into the bookstore and the kids discover that M. G. Sullins is about to turn Hanny Polanny into a movie. Joy confronts him about how he was able to write the Hanny Polanny books. He first tries to lie to the kids, but the truth comes out—he was influenced by demons! The demons, angered by the resurgence of Christian-themed fantasy books, forced M. G., then a struggling screenwriter, to write a story about a boy named Hanny Polanny who attends a magical school. The demons then added their brand of evil to the books, which resulted in the books’ popularity, but stirs up controversy from Christians and non-Christians alike.

Joy becomes alarmed and tries to get the others to leave, but then demons come out and attempt to capture the kids. In an effort to save himself and his friends, Ari sets fire to the Hanny Polanny display, which kills the demons and destroys the Hanny Polanny books. The kids escape, but Mimsie is badly hurt and M. G. is killed.

With the death of M. G. Sullins and the destruction of the Hanny Polanny books, Ari has come to realize that the books were indeed evil and he never should have read them in the first place. He apologizes to his parents for disobeying them. Joy reveals that she persuaded a young author named J. P. Wordling to rewrite the Hanny Polanny books, but to leave out the witchcraft and instead expand the story about Hanny Polanny’s magical adventures.

Also, Mimsie recovers and she too understands that the Hanny Polanny books were evil and she was wrong to read them and also, she never should have snuck Ari and Joy into the bookstore. She decides to become a Christian, as does Joy.

And as the world enjoys a new and improved version of the Hanny Polanny books written by J. P. Wordling, the demons are not happy with being defeated by Ari, Mimsie, and Joy, and they seek to gain revenge on the kids for their defeat…

Hairy Polarity blog post: https://theblogthatmadenosense.wordpress.com/2013/05/13/hairy-polarity-and-the-sinister-sorcery-satire/

Another Way to End Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone

(based on the alternative ending to The Story That Made No Sense)

Harry walked through the door and into a small room. He saw a small table in the middle of the room and on the table was the stone. The famed Sorcerer’s Stone. That stone that he had been looking for for several weeks. He reached out to touch the stone when a hand stopped him.

Professor Snape?” Harry cried out as he turned to face the man. “No, no; it can’t be! It just can’t be!” Professor Snape frowned as he looked at the boy.

“What are you doing here, Harry Potter?” Professor Snape snapped in anger.

“Ron, Hermione and I all thought that someone was going to steal the Sorcerer’s Stone, so that’s why I came here,” said Harry.

“Indeed,” said Professor Snape.

Just then, there was a muffled scream, and Professor McGonagall and Professor Vector came out, with Professor Quirrell between them. He was bound hand and foot.

“Professor McGonagall?” Harry squeaked, but the old woman glared at him. “We caught Professor Quirrell trying to sneak into the Third Floor Corridor,” she said.

“How did you—” Harry began, but she continued, “I saw Filch dragging young Neville Longbottom around the school and demanded an explanation. When Neville mentioned that Professor Quirrell was going to steal the stone and you and your friends were going to stop him, we had to take action.”

Harry gasped as he saw Hermione and Ron, standing with several other teachers. Professor Dumbledore was among the teachers. He said, “Thank you for alerting me to the situation, young Harry. If it weren’t for you kids, we might not have known that Professor Quirrell was trying to steal the Stone from the school.”

“So what’s going to happen now?” Harry cried out.

“First, Professor Quirrell’s going to be spending a few long years in prison and we’re going to put the Sorcerer’s Stone in a place where it will never be found,” said Dumbledore.

“But what about Nicolas Flamel,” said Harry. “He might want it back!”

“Indeed,” said Dumbledore. “All the same, we must put it away so that it cannot be found and used for evil. I shall speak with him about this. And you kids should go back to bed and get some rest.”

“About the stone,” Harry wondered. “What about the stone granting eternal life?”

“The story about the stone granting immortal life is nothing more than a myth,” said the old wizard. “In the old days, seeking immortality was a crime punishable by death in the wizarding world.”

McGonagall said, “And had Quirrell gotten to it before we did, it would be nothing short of a disaster, one that not even Albus himself would be able to stop. Now, let’s finish this business, as we have more important things to take care of.”

***

Within a few hours, Harry found himself facing his friends in the Great Hall. The whole school looked at him with suspicion. Professor Quirrell was not there; Dumbledore had told everyone that Quirrell had been arrested for stealing the Sorcerer’s Stone.

Dumbledore then said, “I have some awards to give out. For using logic to solve the most complex of problems, I hereby present this medal to Hermione Granger!” A few scattered applauses filled the hall, coming mainly from the Gryffindor students, as nobody really liked Hermione, save for Harry and Ron. Hermione frowned as she went to get her medal.

Dumbledore then said, “For solving one of the world’s toughest riddles, I hereby present this medal to Ron Weasley!” The applause was more clustered coming mainly from the Gryffindor students, especially the Weasleys, but then again, nobody really liked Ron. He smiled as he went to get his medal.

The old headmaster said, “The next medal goes to he who showed love and bravery in the face of a dangerous enemy and prevented a disaster. I award this medal to Harry James Potter!” This time, everyone in the Great Hall cheered as Harry rushed forward to claim his medal. He had never gotten rewarded for anything in his life and that win was worth more to him than anything in the world. For now, that is.

But it was not over yet, for Dumbledore then said, “It’s not enough for us to stand up to those who are our enemies, but sometimes we must also stand up to our friends as well. I hereby recognize Neville Longbottom for his efforts.” The applause was now thunderous and everyone clapped Neville on his back. Neville was touched; no one liked him and so far no one cared to become his friend. But Harry Potter became his friend and that was all that mattered.

Draco slammed down his wizarding hat in disgust. So did the other Slytherins. Draco hated Harry since Day 1 and the fact that Harry was famous made his blood boil. So did being in Gryffindor and refusing to befriend him. Draco threw Harry a hateful look and left the Great Hall.

But Harry didn’t care; he was just living in the moment. Ron, Hermione, and even Neville beamed with excitement. Everyone cheered for their hero, not knowing that tomorrow would be heartbreaking for poor little Harry. He would have to go back to the Dursleys in the morning.

Harry stood at the train station the next day. He was talking to Hagrid. Hagrid said, “You don’t look too happy, Harry. I wonder why.”

“I don’t want to go back to the Dursleys,” said Harry. Hagrid stared at him. “They don’t treat me right, and I highly doubt if they would be willing to allow me to leave their house now, let alone attend Hogwarts or any other school.” Harry began to cry. “I just want to be a normal boy and be loved.”

Hagrid hugged him, frowning as he realized where Harry was going to end up. Back at the Dursleys. Back to the Muggles who mistreated him. He would not allow this. Why Dumbledore was sending him back there, he would never know.

He said, “Don’t worry, I’ll get in touch with Minerva and see if she wants to keep you at her mansion for the summer. Over her dead body will you return to the Dursleys.”

Harry sighed as he waved goodbye to Ron and Hermione as the train left the station. He knew that he was going to have a better summer than the summer that he had had before Hagrid arrived. Hedwig glanced at him and he nodded, knowing that for the first time in his life, things were certainly looking up for him now.

The End!!!

Harley Christianson & the Redemption (a Christian Story about Harry Potter)

The following story is based off the short story Henry Shepherd and the Rock of Ages by Richard E. Salisbury.

Also known as the story that offended many Harry Potter fans with its Christian values

This short story was written by Jeana Sollman in the story “Harry Potter Destroyed My Town” and there was a huge uproar over the fact that a Harry Potter-like character converts to Christianity, quits doing magic, dropped out of his Hogwarts-like school, and spends the rest of his life as a Muggle.

In this story, 16-year-old Harley Porter is a student at a magical boarding school. His best friends are Jonathan Nealy and Diana MacArthur. Harley is mostly content with his life, but he is beginning to doubt his place in the world.

He makes a new friend named Jamie Raines, a girl who introduces him to a man named Joshua Christianson. Joshua was once a wizard before his conversion to Christianity when he was 18 years old. He has spent 15 years converting wizards to Christianity and persuading many other people to stop doing magic and instead devote their lives to worshipping God. He was invited to the school to teach the students about magical history, but Jamie and a few other students are secretly learning about God because the teachers and headmaster don’t want the students to learn about God and stop doing magic.

Harley doesn’t have much of a religious belief, seeing as he was an orphan living with relatives who know nothing about his magical life. He also doesn’t know why God should be worshiped when there are so many decent people in the world. Jamie convinces him to join Joshua and his disciples, which he reluctantly does. Harley also clashes with Jonathan and Diana about learning about God and having to forgive Michael Davis (the school bully), who had also joined Joshua and is repenting his own sins.

Jonathan and Diana, alarmed that Joshua and his disciples might be “corrupting” Harley, unwisely inform the school’s high inquisitor, who has a grudge against Joshua. A mob riot ensues and Joshua is arrested for “crimes against the magical world“. After a mock trial, Joshua is found guilty and beheaded. Harley is crushed by the events and vows to quit doing magic. He also breaks his friendships with Jonathan and Diana.

After three days have passed, Jamie tells him that she saw Joshua rise from the dead. Harley doesn’t believe her until he sees Joshua show up in the Great Hall. Joshua explains that he was meant to die and that because of his death, wizards everywhere are learning about God and need help in order to give up magic and live Christian lives.

After a few weeks of teaching, Joshua decides to leave the school and take his message somewhere else. He blesses his disciples and prepares to leave. Joshua tells Harley to reconcile with his relatives and to forgive Jonathan and Diana. Harley agrees to transfer to a Christian school and continue his education. The story ends with Joshua blessing Harley and Jamie and goes on his way. Harley is later seen at his new school and Jamie convinces her guardian to reaffirm his faith in God.

This story, for what it’s worth, illustrates what would happen if Harry Potter were to discover Christianity and turn his back on magic. I’ll have the story uploaded on this blog next month.

Harry Potter Rip-Off story #1

I thought about this Harry Potter rip-off back in 2007 and with my departure from the fandom, I figured that it was time that the story was to be told.

Enjoy!

  1. 10 years after Harry Potter’s story ends, another magical tale begins.
  2. This time, the story centers on a boy named Tim Whitaker.
  3. Tim is an orphaned boy living in a cruel foster family.
  4. On his 11th birthday, Tim runs away from home.
  5. While on the run, Tim discovers that he is a wizard.
  6. 10 years before. Tim’s parents (Tom and Lois) were killed during the wizarding war, particularly during the Battle of Hogwarts.
  7. Tim meets Hagrid and they go off to Diagon Alley.
  8. Hagrid tells Tim the story about Lord Voldemort.
  9. Very soon, Tim is packed up and all set to go to Hogwarts.
  10. While on the Hogwarts Express, Tim befriends Danny Berkeley (from a blood-traitor family) and Robin Larkspur (muggleborn witch).
  11. They also have an encounter with Philip Jamison, who becomes Tim’s mortal enemy.
  12. When they reach Hogwarts, Tim and his friends meet Hagrid once again.
  13. Tim and his friends (plus scores of other students) enter Hogwarts and they are greeted by Professor Connor Black.
  14. Professor Black takes the kids to the Great Hall.
  15. Tim, Danny, and Robin are sorted into Gryffindor while Philip is placed in Slytherin.
  16. Tim spends his first night at Hogwarts.
  17. The next day, Tim and Danny are late to Professor Kroger’s class.
  18. Tim makes a new friend; her name is Carys Winston.
  19. Tim inadvertently joins the Gryffindor Quidditch team, which is run by Professor Weasley.
  20. Professor Malfoy, the potions teacher, doesn’t take too kindly to Tim.
  21. Tim makes another friend; his name is Carlyle Rogers.
  22. Tim and Danny rescue Robin and Carys from a troll during the Halloween party.
  23. Tim witnesses a rivalry between Professor Malfoy and Professor Chattet.
  24. That Christmas, Tim gets a mysterious gift.
  25. Tim finds the Mirror of Erised, which shows him his parents.
  26. Tim has an encounter with Headmistress McGonagall, who advises him to be careful.
  27. A few months pass, and Tim and his friends chance to discover a mysterious jewel.
  28. They suspect that Professor Malfoy is after Professor Chattet, who wants the jewel for himself.
  29. That night, Tim, Danny, Robin, and Carys go into the Forbidden Chamber.
  30. Tim goes off alone and discovers Professor Chattet.
  31. Professor Chattet reveals that he killed Tim’s parents during the Battle of Hogwarts and he plans to steal the jewel.
  32. Thanks to a ghostly intervention, both Tim and the jewel are saved.
  33. Headmistress McGonagall reveals that Professor Chattet was really the evil Nelena Luvannokitch, who wanted revenge after being abandoned and almost being trampled on during the battle.
  34. With the school term ending, Tim begins to become both excited and yet dreading the return home.

So maybe this story will be written and you’ll probably find out the things that are completely wrong with the Harry Potter series as a whole.

Anti-Potter March 15 Stories

And now for some anti-Harry Potter stories written on March 15:

  1. Harry Potter & the Girl-Who-Lived; in which Jacquel Potter (NOT Harry) survives Lord Voldemort‘s attack on her family and she swears revenge against Dumbledore (CANCELED)
  2. Jacquel and Selena are now battling BOTH Voldemort and Dumbledore as well as their own feelings. STORY: Girls at War; the war continues as Jacquel the GWL deals with her own feelings for a certain girl. (CANCELED)
  3. Selena faces her angry mother as Jacquel prepares to do battle with the dark lord. (CANCELED)
  4. Jacquel Potter and Selena Snape begin their family in a new country. (CANCELED)
  5. Charlie Bone, Percy Jackson, Lyra Belacqua, Quil Ataera, and Katniss Everdeen (along with several others) band together to take down Harry Potter.
  6. The “Better Than Harry Potter” group (consisting of Elva Sheppherd from “The Secret Library Guardians”, Talen Schultz from “The Winter Starlight” of the Icebrood Chronicles, Tyler Potter from “The Series That Made No Sense” (a Harry Potter satire), Raven Knight from “The Piano’s Painting”, Nicholas Blue Prater from “Cosplay the Novel”, Kaylen Klieg from “The Faerie Mage Series”, Ivey Summersley from “The Return of the Verdant Stars Series”, & Jacquel Rassenworth/April-Dawn Potter from “The Jacquel RassenworthDursleyPotter Series (which also pokes fun at Harry Potter)”) meets up and they plan to take down Harry Potter.
  7. Suppose the Harry Potter story was never written. What would have been the Harry Potter story of this generation?
  8. A story about students at Gareth Hall Academy during Harry Potter’s time at Hogwarts.
  9. A retelling of the Harry Potter story; but this time, a character from a classic Jacquel story attending Hogwarts thinks that Harry is evil and he must be stopped at any cost.

The first four stories have undoubtedly been canceled permanently, but I do know for a fact that the rest of the stories will be written very soon.

What is Gareth Hall Academy?

Alnwick Castle, the castle used for filming ex...

Alnwick Castle, the castle used for filming exterior shots of Hogwarts in the Potter films. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Long ago, when I was writing Harry Potter fan fiction, I had come up with the idea of an alternative magical school since Hogwarts can’t be the only magical school in England. This alternative school is for those who did not get their acceptance letters to Hogwarts and/or preferred to attend a public school and go home in the evenings, as opposed to an actual boarding school.

Also, Hogwarts doesn’t appear to be a normal school because all the kids seem to study all the time. There are no after-school activities, very few sporting events, and dances are virtually nonexistent.

And to make matters worse, Hogwarts was run by Albus Dumbledore, a man whose reputation is questionable. Who would want to attend a school like that? There has to be a better place for magical students to attend.

Which is why I invented the school called Gareth Hall Academy.

The school was first mentioned in the fan fiction “Harry Potter & the Lifetime Original Sequel“, where the character Jacquel Romanov was supposed to be attending Gareth Hall as per her mother’s wishes, but she was forced to attend Hogwarts. She eventually chooses to attend Gareth Hall Academy, but not without giving up the friends that she had made over the years and choosing to drop the “orphan princess” persona that she had carried throughout her years as a Hogwarts student.

That was one example of how Gareth Hall Academy was featured in fan fiction, but we would like to know just how different Gareth Hall is from Hogwarts.

Hogwarts was founded by Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin. Gareth Hall Academy was founded by Maurice Gareth. Both schools were built during the Middle Ages, when the persecution of witches was in its prime.

Hogwarts is divided into four houses, with each house being headed by Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. (Well, there were rumors that there had been a fifth Hogwarts house headed by Phargi Phoenixfur, but that’s another story.) Gareth Hall Academy doesn’t believe in sorting its students at all, as it was known that sorting students into different houses tended to cause unnecessary friction within the school.

Hogwarts was built as a huge castle while Gareth Hall Academy blends in with its surroundings as an actual school building. It was said that Gareth Hall could double as an actual boarding school (which happened during World War II), but for all intents and purposes, it functions as a regular (but magical) public school.

Hogwarts sends out letters inviting students to study in its school based upon whether or not the student came from a magical family. Gareth Hall Academy doesn’t concern itself with the family history of any of its students.

Hogwarts is seen as the elite school while Gareth Hall Academy is barely noticeable.

While Hogwarts only employs Quidditch as it’s main sport, Gareth Hall Academy has a football (soccer for non-British people), baseball, and several other sports.

And when it comes to its students, Hogwarts is notorious for turning out dark wizards and witches as well as imcompetent wizards. Gareth Hall Academy’s students make sure to be known only for their superb magical skills and less about their behavior.

We could go on comparing and contrasting Hogwarts and Gareth Hall all day, but that’s not the point of this essay. There’s still more things that need to be covered.

As was mentioned before, Gareth Hall functions as more of a magical public school and less of a collection place for talented wizards and witches. Also, since the school’s opening and susquential endurance over the years, very few people tended to notice Gareth Hall Academy at all. In fact, most wizards would rather send their children to Hogwarts than a school that sits in a mainly muggle city.

While we’re on the subject of location, the students at Hogwarts are mostly isolated from the rest of the wizarding world, save for the nearby wizarding village of Hogsmeade. The students of Gareth Hall Academy, however, can easily keep up with the changing times because they are surrounded by various buildings and stores that are located next to the school.

Other factors that separate Gareth Hall from the rest of the wizarding world is their education of squibs (wizards born without magic). Hogwarts has no such program to deal with that and most squibs were seen as a disgrace to their families. (There is also Merlin’s School of Magic, which also educates squibs, but that’s another story.)

So, what does this say about Harry Potter?

If he had gone to Gareth Hall Academy instead of Hogwarts, he might have become a better person overall. There would have been no need for him to get involved in Dumbledore’s lies and schemes and he wouldn’t have to fight any dark wizards either. In fact, the whole “Lord Voldemort” problem could have easily been taken care of without Harry being involved at all.

Such are the ways of this world!

But anyway, I’m now in the process of developing a new story about Gareth Hall Academy and its doings as opposed to the events of Harry Potter’s years as a Hogwarts student. The students there pay very close attention to those events and some of them are questioning the quality and validity of Hogwarts when word of its troubles gets out and the world learns about it.

Or we could have the following fan fiction options: Supposedly that Harry was indeed expelled from Hogwarts and was forced to attend Gareth Hall Academy. What would he do now that he is no longer a Hogwarts student? Would he be able to make new friends? Would anyone want to hang out with him if they knew who he really was?

Or let’s try this: Harry decides that Hogwarts isn’t for him and he wants to find another magical school to attend. He persuades the Dursleys to find a school for him and they eventually discover Gareth Hall.

And here’s another one: Harry is sent to Gareth Hall as an exchange student. He stays for an entire year. But when it comes time for him to go back to Hogwarts, is he willing to leave his new friends behind, or will he fight for his right to stay at Gareth Hall?

And one more idea to toss out there: What if the Dursleys learned about Gareth Hall and instead of sending Harry to Hogwarts, they send him to Gareth Hall?

These ideas seem to be better than what we have out there. One day, I hope that someone will actually write a story out of these ideas and put Harry Potter in his proper place.

So, What Happened in “The Epilogue That Made No Sense”?

Well, basically, here’s the deal:

  1. Tyler Potter married Sadie Schroeder (the Mary-Sue character) and they have three children named Miles, Alexander-David, and Annette Aslan.
  2. Marty McGuire married Coco Riddle and they have two children named Marcie and Cyrus.
  3. Hayley Snape married Sophia Meuller and they had four children, yet only two have been named Felicity and Finley.
  4. Malcolm Dratzins has a son named Devlin, but his wife was unnamed.
  5. Trixis Wolfin (possibly a play on the name Teddy Lupin) is dating Pepper Snape (Hayley’s niece). Pepper’s father is one of Hayley’s older brothers, but which one of his brothers is Pepper’s father, the story does not say.
  6. Alistair Johnson married Tyler’s cousin Galadriel Black and they are the parents of an unnamed set of twins. Alistair is also a techer at Pinecastle Academy.
  7. At this point, Marty hasn’t reconciled with the McGuire or Luvannokitch families, nor does he want to.
  8. Alexander-David fears for his place at Pinecastle Academy, but Tyler convinces him not to worry, as it doesn’t matter where he is placed, just as long as he makes something of it.
  9. Alexander-David stares at Felicity. (Hayley/Tyler part II?)
  10. Malcolm is confronted by Hayley.
  11. After all was said and done, the kids board the train and the train takes off. Sadie comforts Tyler and reassures him that Alexander-David will be fine.
  12. It ends with those three dreaded words: “All was well“.

Well, that was my take of the parody of the Harry Potter Epilogue. I hope you’ve enjoyed it and I might even build a story around these poorly-created new characters at some point in time.

The Epilogue That Made No Sense

And now for the epilogue that certainly makes no sense:

(WARNING: This story will parody the Harry Potter Epilogue!)

19 years have passed since the evil Magician was defeated.

Yes. 19 years is too long for this story, but since we’re poking fun at Harry Potter, we might as well get this out of the way now or else we’ll never see the ending.

So, here we go.

Tyler and Sadie Potter were standing at the Scich Mire train station with their children Miles, Alexander-David, and Annette Aslan. The boys were a bit excited over going to Pinecastle Academy of Magic. But Annette Aslan wasn’t very happy about it; she was 9 years old and she wanted to go to Pinecastle Academy.

“Why can’t I go to Pinecastle with Miles and Alexander-David?” she snapped at her mother.

“You’re not ready yet,” said Sadie, who still looked as radiant as the day that she first laid eyes on Tyler Potter and wanted to possess him. “You have two more years until your magic manifests inside you and the you can go.”

Annette Aslan said, “But that’s not fair, mom. I want to go now!”

At that point, Marty and Coco McGuire came with their children Marcie and Cyrus. Marcie was the same age as Alexander-David. Marty said, “I take it that things are going well with you, Ty?”

“They should be,” said Tyler.

“I don’t know,” said Coco. “Last week, Marty threw out some random news reporter who was clamoring about some online newspaper wanting to interview him or something like that.”

“I already told everyone, I’m not interested in spilling out my life story,” Marty snapped. “I have a life now. I’ve got children to raise and a marriage to maintain. People need to learn to butt out of my life! The damage has already been done, so I want nothing to do with the McGuires or the Luvannokitch families.”

“Indeed,” said Coco.

“Some things never change,” said Sadie.

Hayley and Sophia Snape also showed up with their children, saying, “Well, we’ve got one more year before we send Finley off.”

“And you’re here why?” said Sadie.

“Just to see them off, of course,” said Hayley. “You didn’t think I’d not show up, or did you?”

“No way,” said Tyler. “I mean, what’s a sendoff without the whole family seeing you off?”

While the grownups were talking, the children were staring at the train. Marcie said, “Just wait, Alex. Another hour and we’ll be off to school. Isn’t this going to be great?”

“i think so,” said Alexander-David.

“Why are you so upset, Alex?” said Marcie.

“It’s just that I’m not sure of myself,” said Alexander-David. “What if I end up in Unicornfeather instead of Phoenixhorn?”

“It’s not the end of the world if you end up in Unicornfeather,” Tyler said to Alexander-David. “I could have gone into Unicornfeather if I wanted to. I could have gone into Pixiepuffle or Dragonsting as well. But I chose to go into Phoenixhorn and while it might not have been my best choice, it was the choice that mattered. Besides, if I never went into Phoenixhorn…”

“…he would have never met me,” Sadie beamed at him.

Tyler nodded and turned to see Malcolm Dratzins, his wife, and their son Devlin coming into the train station. He then looked at Alexander-David and said, “Don’t worry too much about the Sorting Hat; sometimes, it makes choices that seem ridiculous at first, but you’ll soon grow into your new role…”

“Hey, isn’t that Trixis Wolfin kissing Pepper Snape?” cried Cyrus as he pointed to a young couple standing on the side of the ticket booth.

“Well, isn’t this nice?” said Coco. “Looks like Trixis is on his way to joining the Snape family.”

“Oh, you gotta be kidding me!” Hayley cried out. “Not my niece!”

Just then, the train whistle blew, signaling that the train would depart from the station in 30 minutes. Immediately, the families began to steer their children towards the train, dragging trunks full of magical school supplies with them. As Felicity Snape boarded the train, she caught a glimpse of Alexander-David Potter. Hayley and Tyler saw the children staring at each other and shook their heads. But nothing prepared them for the fact that Malcolm and Devlin Dratzins approached them.

“So, you decided to show up right after we kicked you out,” Marty snapped at him.

“But I had to return,” said Malcolm. “The wizarding world had requested that I return and take up my father’s post. Plus, my son Devlin was accepted into Pinecastle and I can’t just not let him go, or can I?”

“I don’t know what strings you pulled to get back here,” Hayley snapped, “but I won’t let your son near my children…”

“OK, that’s quite enough,” said Sophia. “I don’t know why you boys insist on restarting this feud, but I won’t have it.” To the children, she said, “Tell Alistair that we all said hi.”

“Alistair? you mean Professor Johnson?” said Felicity.

“Isn’t he married to Galadriel Black?” said Marcie.

“This is great!” said Alexander-David. “We’ll get to see them and the twins at Pinecastle!”

After one last goodbye, the train took off quickly, with Finley, Cyrus, and Annette Aslan chasing after it until it pulled out of the station and became a blip on the horizon. Trixis went to retrieve the children as Tyler sighed. He hoped that Alexander-David would be happy during his first term at Pinecastle Academy.

Sadie said to him, “Don’t worry, Tyler. He’s going to be fine.”

“I hope so,” Tyler said more to himself than to her. Hopefully, Headmaster Isabella Dumbledore would do a better job leading his sons than her father manipulated him.

He reached out and felt the crescent moon-shaped scar that still covered his right cheek. It had not troubled him for 19 years. All was well.

(Well, that’s how the story ends! I told you that it didn’t make sense!)