Harry: I’m about to take down Dumbledore. Who’s willing to fight with me?
Jacquel: Well, before I answer that question, there’s something you need to know: you have a horde of angry people standing right behind you.
Eragon: Yeah. You’re nothing but a jerk and a loser!
Harry: Well, your story sucks!
Bella: So does yours!
Harry: Well, I never killed Cedric…
Charlie: Get him!!!
Ron: Did you seriously HAVE to resort to this???
Jacquel: Why not? It’s not like anyone would like him anyway.
Ron: Well, I have some bad news: your cousin Sean killed Voldemort.
Jacquel: I knew that would happen.
Hermione: Yeah, it’s all over now.
Sean: Nope! It ain’t over until the fat lady sings! (Just then, a very fat woman shows up and starts singing End of the Line.) Jacquelyn, it’s time for you to say goodbye to Hogwarts and leave now. (Jacquel sighs and goes to her room to pack her things. Just then, her autistic sister, Joanne, shows up and joins her. Snow is seen falling from the sky.)
(The scene switches to a penthouse in present day New York. A woman is sitting in an easy chair. A little girl is sitting on the couch staring into a snowglobe. Just then, a man and a teenage girl walk into the room.)
Irina: So, how was your day, you two?
Arexus: We finally finished editing the seventh issue of Fantasy & Science Fiction Weekly today. I’m beat. (flops onto a chair)
Jacquelyn: Well, I have to make up a fantasy story for English class. Right now, I’m fighting with John Kelvin Rollins; he wants me to put witchcraft in my story. When is he going to learn that witchcraft is bad and witchcraft is wrong?
Irina: I think we need to have a chat with that boy’s parents. He’s out of control. Now, go wash yourselves up; dinner is ready. (She goes into the kitchen to make the plates. Jacquelyn follows her. Arexus goes to fetch Joanne.)
Arexus: Joanne, it’s time for dinner. Let’s put that snowglobe away and get some food, OK? (Joanne looks up from the snowglobe and stares at Arexus.) You know something, Rina?
Irina: What is it, Rex?
Arexus: I’m never going to understand this autism, Rina. We try to talk to Joanne, but she never seems to hear us. She just sits there in her own little world, staring at that snowglobe all day long. What is she thinking about?
Irina: We’ll make an appointment with Dr. Jensen tomorrow. (Takes snowglobe from Joanna.) Now, let’s have dinner. (She takes Joanne and they go into the kitchen. Arexus puts the snowglobe on the highest shelf on the bookcase and leaves. Inside the snowglobe is a replica of Hogwarts. Just then, the camera slowly pans around the Ritterwolf family and settles on a tiny kitten sitting on a nearby table. The kitten lets out a triumphant meow.)
Now, I know you’re all wondering why I ended this story the way I did, but I had to find a way to end the story without ruining the story altogether.
The fact that scores of characters from other series don’t like Harry Potter isn’t anything to laugh about, but it’s true. (Besides, why would you want to write a story about how Harry getting along with those other characters in the first place?)
And now for some questions that I know that you’ll all be asking me:
Why did Ron and Hermione bail on Harry?
Good question. The reason why they bailed on him was that after seven years of hanging out with Harry, you’d think that Ron and Hermione would stick by him. But realistically, I’m not too sure if they would want to, given the way that he was raised and isolated from the world until he turned 11 years old, I’m kind of not sure if I would stay friends with him, let alone them. Harry has either yelled at everyone or shut them out, two factors that cause me to drop a friendship. I mean, Harry does become a bully in later books.
So, who really killed Lord Voldemort?
Uh, did you not read the last part of the story?
I thought that Jacquelyn was an orphan and she never had any siblings! Who is Joanne and why is she here?
Well, maybe I chose not to include everything about Jacquelyn. Nobody has to know EVERYTHING about her.
So, you’ve implied that the entire Harry Potter Series took place in Joanne’s head. Were you trying to pull a Tommy Westphall moment?
Well, I’m glad you noticed that.
And what was with the rivalry between Jacquelyn and that one student?
That harkens back to the days when Harry Potter was accused of promoting witchcraft.
And why the meowing cat at the end of the story?
Interesting you should ask, because I have a story regarding the cat.
As we all know, there was once a cat called Mimsie. She was the mascot of MTM Enterprises as a parody of the famous MGM lion. She was featured at the end credits of various TV shows, such as The Mary Tyler Moore Show, St. Elsewhere, Hill Street Blues, and Newhart.
But in the year 1988, after the controversial series finale of St. Elsewhere, the cat was flatlined at the end of the closing credits and it died. That act angered millions of people, especially cat owners, and NBC was hit by millions of angry letters regarding that tasteless joke.
And the ending of this story with the family cat meowing in the end is a sign that Mimsie will return to rule the world once again. (And you wonder why cats rule the Internet)
Now you know.
Look for another blog post tomorrow.
- Harry Potter: Remixed (nebiever.wordpress.com)
- Tommy Westphall’s Mind: A Multiverse Explored (coudal.com)
- All your favourite shows don’t exist (taholtorf.wordpress.com)
- Tommy Westphall and the Big Dark Crossover from Mob | United | Malcolm | Sheppard (mobunited.com)
- What Autism Means to Me (daydreammama.com)
- What If HARRY POTTER Was a Cyber Punk Anime? (nerdist.com)