How Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone Should Have Ended…

English: Alternate coat of arms of Hogwarts sc...

English: Alternate coat of arms of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry from Harry Potter book series, by J.K Rowling, with added shading effects. For a reference i used a drawing found on the internet, probably an illustration from one of the books. The motto translates to “never tickle a sleeping dragon” vector drawing,.SVG format. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(Everyone is in the 3rd Room Corridor)

Harry: We gotta get the sorcerer’s stone before Lord Voldemort does!

Jacquel: No you don’t.

Harry: Yes we do! We have to, or else Snape will steal it and give it to Lord Voldemort!

Jacquel: And I say, no you don’t! Can’t you see? They’re just using you to get the stone so that you die and Dumbledore gets the stone!

Neville: It’s true. I saw it in a movie once.

Hermione: Oh, you have got to be kidding me!

Ron: That’s not true! Why would Dumbledore do that?

Jacquel: Because he’s a mean and evil bastard who manipulated Harry into doing whatever he wants and stuff like that.

Harry: You mean, he made me live with people who hate me and stuff like that?

Jacquel: That’s exactly what I mean, Harry. So I suggest that we all go to bed right now or else we’ll get in big trouble. (All mumble, but they agreed with Jacquel and went to bed)

(Meanwhile…)

Snape: Aha! I caught you Quirrell! What do you have to say for yourself?

Quirrell: Well, you’ll still be a boring teacher and I’m going to date a Movie Character. How do you like THEM apples?

Snape: You have the stone?

Quirrell: Yup. (He holds it up)

Snape: (waving his wand) AVADA KEDAVRA! (Quirrell falls down dead) Who’s the boring teacher now? (He takes the stone) Now to dispose of this thing…(he tosses it into the fire and it melts)

(The next day)

Dumbledore: Unfortunately, Slytherin has won the house cup…(Slytherins mock as everyone else boos) And also, we will have to have a resorting ceremony, seeing as SOME people are unfit to be in Gryffindor…(Harry, Jacquel, Neville, Stacey, and Jaden are brought forward) I have tested them and they all belong in Slytherin.

Malfoy: Hah! About time Potty knew his place!

Jacquel: Shut the hell up, Evil Faith!

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Seven Reasons Why Hermione Should Have Been the Main Character in the Harry Potter Books

hermione granger

hermione granger (Photo credit: karly ilustraciones)

Today, we will be looking at the character Hermione Granger and why she was never the main character in the Harry Potter books. For many years, she was seen simply as the friend of Harry Potter who was a girl. To me, I think that it’s rather pathetic that Hermione was seen this way and I fully resolve to make sure that the real Hermione Granger steps forward.

7. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be friends with Harry Potter or Ron Weasley. Case in point: Hermione glanced all around her and saw two boys sitting in a booth. One had red hair and the other had dark hair and wore glasses. She frowned as she stared at the two boy and thought to herself there’s no way I’m hanging out with those two! They look like complete losers! She shook her head and went to the next booth. Perhaps the people in the other car would help her track down Neville’s lost toad.

6. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be in Gryffindor. In fact, she’d be in Ravenclaw. Case in point: Hermione took her seat as the Sorting Hat was placed on her head. Within a few seconds, it shouted out the word “RAVENCLAW“. The Ravenclaws applauded as she took her place among them. (Also, why would JKR place a smart girl like Hermione in the lamest house in Hogwarts?)

5. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be on the Quidditch team. THAT would cut into her homework time.

4. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be so involved with her friends that she cuts off her parents, or even modify her parents’ memories to make them forget that they even had a daughter in the first place. She would at least write to her parents once a month to inform them of her progress at Hogwarts.

3. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be so concerned about her looks or if the other students would want her around. She has better things to do than to worry about superficial things. Also, she wouldn’t be hanging out with such book dumb people as Harry and Ron. Her friends would be just as smart as she is.

2. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she would be the smartest student in the school. But her adventures in Hogwarts will most likely be the subversion of the trope “Intelligence Equals Isolation”. I mean, she’s got to have *SOME* friends, just not Harry Potter and Ron Weasley.

1. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she would have already figured out that Quirrell was going to steal the sorcerer’s stone, found out that Ginny Weasley had opened the Chamber of Secrets, told the truth about Sirius Black, realized that the Twiwizard Tournament was rigged, THOUGHT before chasing after Sirius, stood up to Umbridge, and realized that Dumbledore was a manipulating, lying traitor who wanted to take over the world.

So there you have it. Unless JKR is willing to rewrite the series in Hermione’s POV and make her the main character, I’m never touching the Harry Potter books again.

We’re Sick & Tired of Potter (Parody of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”)

Tyler, Marty, & Coco

Tyler, Marty, & Coco (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

James & Lily Potter, babies with lightning-bolt scars / Lord Voldemort, Dumbledore hands a baby to relatives / Wizards, magic, terror everywhere / innocent man is sent to Azkaban / abusive relatives, fat boys with pig’s tails / snakes escaping from encasements, magic everywhere / Hagrid, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry, shopping in Diagon Alley / Dark Lord comes to the house and kills his parents, being declared the Boy-Who-Lived, here we go

Chorus: We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / We’re sick and tired of Potter / 9-11 started it, Charlie Bone will stop it

King’s Cross, 9 and 3/4, red-haired family / Hogwarts Express, meeting Ron & Hermione / trip to Hogwarts, student sorting, Gryffindor / Quidditch, fighting trolls / invisibility cloaks, Mirror of Erised / meeting Dumbledore, this seems fun / sorcerer’s stone, Nicolas Flamel / 3rd floor corridor, facing Quirrell

Chorus: We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / We’re sick and tired of Potter / there’s other books that we should be reading

Chamber of Secrets, Ginny Weasley, flying cars, crazy house-elves / Malfoy, Gilderoy Lockhart never seemed to be the right choice / strange voices, petrified people, muggleborns must go home / Tom Riddle, basilisk, freeing Dobby / Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, werewolves, rats, and traitors / Goblets of Fire, foreign wizard schools, Cedric Diggory / Lord Voldemort returns, like didn’t they get rid of him in the first book?

Chorus: We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / We’re sick and tired of Potter / where are those Christian books when we need them?

Dementors, Howlers, Ministry of Magic, / Order of the Phoenix / evil teacher, evil spreads, prophecy is foretold / London attacked, muggles frightened, what are we to do / half-blood prince, secret pasts, things get worse / Dumbledore gets zapped to death, he really had it coming

Chorus: We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / We’re sick and tired of Potter / it has gone on for way too long now

witchcraft, wizardry, the claim that magic is harmless, people just don’t want God in / deathly hallows, Harry’s now of age, attacks get worse, people die / Harry’s in hiding, hostages at Hogwarts, Neville Longbottom becomes a hero / big epic fight, scores of wizards die, Harry faces Voldie, wins the day / Dumbledore turned out to be gay, was in league with Grindelwald, / 19 years later, sends his kids to Hogwarts / one kid named Albus-Severus, I can’t take this crap anymore

Chorus: We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / We’re sick and tired of Potter / it’s too old now, can we have something new?
We’re sick and tired of Potter / we didn’t ask for it, and we’re trying to end it / But when we are gone / we hope Potter is gone along with us…

The Story Concerning Phoenixfur

Hogwarts

Hogwarts (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So, who is Phoenixfur, anyway?

Here’s the story that I have made up about him…so far.

Nicked from “The Harry Potter Express”

Well, there is one founder of Hogwarts who was left out in the records of Hogwarts’s founding. His name was Phargi Phoenixfur. To start, Phargi was described as a man who makes you think of an elegant dragonfly. He has large brown eyes that are like two patches of dried blood. His fine, curly, ebony hair is neck-length and is worn in an impractical, carefully-crafted style. He has a graceful build. His skin is dark. His unusually short wand is simple, made of hornbeam, and has a core made of kelpie bone. He has a monkey as an animal companion.

Phargi met Godric Gryffindor, Helga Huffelpuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin when they invited him to help build a school for young wizards and witches. Many years later, when the Slytherins and the Gryffindors instigated their famed rivalry, Phargi and his students soon abandoned Hogwarts and went on to build Tritonblast Academy of Sorcery, Alchemy, & Mysticism in Belgium with three houses named Spiritpuff, Fairytail, & Wolffeather.

But the house of Phoenixfur remained at Hogwarts, and it was used to secretly teach any orphan who had magic and had not been allowed to attend Hogwarts. Upon the end of Deathly Hallows, the house of Phoenixfur was re-opened and the house was filled with many war orphans who just couldn’t fit into the other four houses.

But the fate of the Phoenixfur family has been shrouded in mystery and a certain boy wizard and orphaned girl must discover what happened to the Phoenixfur who remained and find the mysterious school of Tritonblast.

Will I get around to writing the story? Who knows!

Harry Potter Rip-Off story #1

I thought about this Harry Potter rip-off back in 2007 and with my departure from the fandom, I figured that it was time that the story was to be told.

Enjoy!

  1. 10 years after Harry Potter’s story ends, another magical tale begins.
  2. This time, the story centers on a boy named Tim Whitaker.
  3. Tim is an orphaned boy living in a cruel foster family.
  4. On his 11th birthday, Tim runs away from home.
  5. While on the run, Tim discovers that he is a wizard.
  6. 10 years before. Tim’s parents (Tom and Lois) were killed during the wizarding war, particularly during the Battle of Hogwarts.
  7. Tim meets Hagrid and they go off to Diagon Alley.
  8. Hagrid tells Tim the story about Lord Voldemort.
  9. Very soon, Tim is packed up and all set to go to Hogwarts.
  10. While on the Hogwarts Express, Tim befriends Danny Berkeley (from a blood-traitor family) and Robin Larkspur (muggleborn witch).
  11. They also have an encounter with Philip Jamison, who becomes Tim’s mortal enemy.
  12. When they reach Hogwarts, Tim and his friends meet Hagrid once again.
  13. Tim and his friends (plus scores of other students) enter Hogwarts and they are greeted by Professor Connor Black.
  14. Professor Black takes the kids to the Great Hall.
  15. Tim, Danny, and Robin are sorted into Gryffindor while Philip is placed in Slytherin.
  16. Tim spends his first night at Hogwarts.
  17. The next day, Tim and Danny are late to Professor Kroger’s class.
  18. Tim makes a new friend; her name is Carys Winston.
  19. Tim inadvertently joins the Gryffindor Quidditch team, which is run by Professor Weasley.
  20. Professor Malfoy, the potions teacher, doesn’t take too kindly to Tim.
  21. Tim makes another friend; his name is Carlyle Rogers.
  22. Tim and Danny rescue Robin and Carys from a troll during the Halloween party.
  23. Tim witnesses a rivalry between Professor Malfoy and Professor Chattet.
  24. That Christmas, Tim gets a mysterious gift.
  25. Tim finds the Mirror of Erised, which shows him his parents.
  26. Tim has an encounter with Headmistress McGonagall, who advises him to be careful.
  27. A few months pass, and Tim and his friends chance to discover a mysterious jewel.
  28. They suspect that Professor Malfoy is after Professor Chattet, who wants the jewel for himself.
  29. That night, Tim, Danny, Robin, and Carys go into the Forbidden Chamber.
  30. Tim goes off alone and discovers Professor Chattet.
  31. Professor Chattet reveals that he killed Tim’s parents during the Battle of Hogwarts and he plans to steal the jewel.
  32. Thanks to a ghostly intervention, both Tim and the jewel are saved.
  33. Headmistress McGonagall reveals that Professor Chattet was really the evil Nelena Luvannokitch, who wanted revenge after being abandoned and almost being trampled on during the battle.
  34. With the school term ending, Tim begins to become both excited and yet dreading the return home.

So maybe this story will be written and you’ll probably find out the things that are completely wrong with the Harry Potter series as a whole.

The Epilogue That Made No Sense

And now for the epilogue that certainly makes no sense:

(WARNING: This story will parody the Harry Potter Epilogue!)

19 years have passed since the evil Magician was defeated.

Yes. 19 years is too long for this story, but since we’re poking fun at Harry Potter, we might as well get this out of the way now or else we’ll never see the ending.

So, here we go.

Tyler and Sadie Potter were standing at the Scich Mire train station with their children Miles, Alexander-David, and Annette Aslan. The boys were a bit excited over going to Pinecastle Academy of Magic. But Annette Aslan wasn’t very happy about it; she was 9 years old and she wanted to go to Pinecastle Academy.

“Why can’t I go to Pinecastle with Miles and Alexander-David?” she snapped at her mother.

“You’re not ready yet,” said Sadie, who still looked as radiant as the day that she first laid eyes on Tyler Potter and wanted to possess him. “You have two more years until your magic manifests inside you and the you can go.”

Annette Aslan said, “But that’s not fair, mom. I want to go now!”

At that point, Marty and Coco McGuire came with their children Marcie and Cyrus. Marcie was the same age as Alexander-David. Marty said, “I take it that things are going well with you, Ty?”

“They should be,” said Tyler.

“I don’t know,” said Coco. “Last week, Marty threw out some random news reporter who was clamoring about some online newspaper wanting to interview him or something like that.”

“I already told everyone, I’m not interested in spilling out my life story,” Marty snapped. “I have a life now. I’ve got children to raise and a marriage to maintain. People need to learn to butt out of my life! The damage has already been done, so I want nothing to do with the McGuires or the Luvannokitch families.”

“Indeed,” said Coco.

“Some things never change,” said Sadie.

Hayley and Sophia Snape also showed up with their children, saying, “Well, we’ve got one more year before we send Finley off.”

“And you’re here why?” said Sadie.

“Just to see them off, of course,” said Hayley. “You didn’t think I’d not show up, or did you?”

“No way,” said Tyler. “I mean, what’s a sendoff without the whole family seeing you off?”

While the grownups were talking, the children were staring at the train. Marcie said, “Just wait, Alex. Another hour and we’ll be off to school. Isn’t this going to be great?”

“i think so,” said Alexander-David.

“Why are you so upset, Alex?” said Marcie.

“It’s just that I’m not sure of myself,” said Alexander-David. “What if I end up in Unicornfeather instead of Phoenixhorn?”

“It’s not the end of the world if you end up in Unicornfeather,” Tyler said to Alexander-David. “I could have gone into Unicornfeather if I wanted to. I could have gone into Pixiepuffle or Dragonsting as well. But I chose to go into Phoenixhorn and while it might not have been my best choice, it was the choice that mattered. Besides, if I never went into Phoenixhorn…”

“…he would have never met me,” Sadie beamed at him.

Tyler nodded and turned to see Malcolm Dratzins, his wife, and their son Devlin coming into the train station. He then looked at Alexander-David and said, “Don’t worry too much about the Sorting Hat; sometimes, it makes choices that seem ridiculous at first, but you’ll soon grow into your new role…”

“Hey, isn’t that Trixis Wolfin kissing Pepper Snape?” cried Cyrus as he pointed to a young couple standing on the side of the ticket booth.

“Well, isn’t this nice?” said Coco. “Looks like Trixis is on his way to joining the Snape family.”

“Oh, you gotta be kidding me!” Hayley cried out. “Not my niece!”

Just then, the train whistle blew, signaling that the train would depart from the station in 30 minutes. Immediately, the families began to steer their children towards the train, dragging trunks full of magical school supplies with them. As Felicity Snape boarded the train, she caught a glimpse of Alexander-David Potter. Hayley and Tyler saw the children staring at each other and shook their heads. But nothing prepared them for the fact that Malcolm and Devlin Dratzins approached them.

“So, you decided to show up right after we kicked you out,” Marty snapped at him.

“But I had to return,” said Malcolm. “The wizarding world had requested that I return and take up my father’s post. Plus, my son Devlin was accepted into Pinecastle and I can’t just not let him go, or can I?”

“I don’t know what strings you pulled to get back here,” Hayley snapped, “but I won’t let your son near my children…”

“OK, that’s quite enough,” said Sophia. “I don’t know why you boys insist on restarting this feud, but I won’t have it.” To the children, she said, “Tell Alistair that we all said hi.”

“Alistair? you mean Professor Johnson?” said Felicity.

“Isn’t he married to Galadriel Black?” said Marcie.

“This is great!” said Alexander-David. “We’ll get to see them and the twins at Pinecastle!”

After one last goodbye, the train took off quickly, with Finley, Cyrus, and Annette Aslan chasing after it until it pulled out of the station and became a blip on the horizon. Trixis went to retrieve the children as Tyler sighed. He hoped that Alexander-David would be happy during his first term at Pinecastle Academy.

Sadie said to him, “Don’t worry, Tyler. He’s going to be fine.”

“I hope so,” Tyler said more to himself than to her. Hopefully, Headmaster Isabella Dumbledore would do a better job leading his sons than her father manipulated him.

He reached out and felt the crescent moon-shaped scar that still covered his right cheek. It had not troubled him for 19 years. All was well.

(Well, that’s how the story ends! I told you that it didn’t make sense!)

Top 10 Alternate Endings to Deathly Hallows – Harry Potter Prognostications Podcast

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Top 10 Alternate Endings to Deathly Hallows – Harry Potter Prognostications Podcast: If you want to know how Harry Potter should have ended, then click the link and prepare to die laughing.

I’ll have my own alternative endings to Harry Potter real soon.

Update: Here’s the list and my reactions to it:

10. Scooby Doo ending – Voldemort is captured, and is revealed to be Filch wearing a mask. As he is hauled away, he shouts, “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”

My reaction: If Voldemort was Filch, then that meant that the whole “Boy-Who-Lived” thing was pointless.

*****

9. South Park ending: After defeating Voldemort, Harry and Ron address the audience, saying, “You know, I’ve learned something today.” Suddenly, Ginny is run over by the Knight Bus, prompting Ron to shout, “They killed Ginny!” Harry responds, “You bastards!” Neville laughs and says it’s because Ginny was poor.

My reaction: Yay! No more Ginny! (BTW, I hate Ginny)

*****

8. Star Wars ending; Voldemort reveals himself to in fact be Harry’s father.

My reaction: Stupid, useless, and lame. I can’t believe they would do that. (Plus, villain as relative cheapens the entire story)

*****

7. CSI: Miami ending: Harry, Ron and Hermione collect evidence linking Voldemort to the murder of Albus Dumbledore. When confronted, Voldemort challenges Harry to prove he did it; Harry puts on his sunglasses, holding up a single strand of Voldemort’s hair, responds, “I don’t have to, you already did.”

My reaction: Next week, the CSI Team investigates the death of one Severus Snape and stumble upon some anti-wizarding agency bent on destroying everything related to magic.

*****

6. 24 ending: It is revealed that Voldemort was really just working for the French, and Madame Maxime was really behind the entire plot to destroy the wizarding world. At the last second, Harry is able to diffuse the device Maxime had planted that would neutralize all wizard’s power in all of England. Just as they begin to celebrate, Harry is captured by the Chinese and when we last see him, he is on a boat to China.

My reaction: Season finale or series finale?

*****

5. Brokeback Mountain ending: After wishing he could “quit him,” Harry finally finds out that Draco was beaten to death with wands by a group of angry Deatheaters. The book closes with Harry gazing longingly into his trunk, in which he has Draco’s Slytherin robe wrapped around his own Invisibility Cloak. Harry mumbles, “I swear, Draco.” and sheds a single tear.

My reaction: This ending is so pointless I cried.

*****

4. Lord of the Rings ending: Harry and Ron finally destroy the final horucrux by throwing it into a bubbling lave pit deep beneath Hogwarts, killing Lord Voldemort in the process, but at the same time weakening the foundations of Hogwarts, trapping Harry and Ron miles beneath the surface. Where they gaze into each others eyes, too afraid to talk about the love that dare not speak its name. Just as they pass out, Fawkes rescues them and they both live out their lives married to their respective spouses.

My reaction: Keep that Harry Potter crap away from my Lord of the Rings!

*****

3. A Few Good Men ending: In the process of defeating Lord Voldemort, Ron and Hermione accidentally kill Draco. They are brought to trial before the Wizengamut, and Harry must act as their lawyer. Harry believes that Ron and Hermione were only following orders from Percy, and so he calls Percy to the stand. After a few hours of intense questioning, Harry finally tricks Percy into admitting he ordered the attack on Malfoy. As he is led off to Azkaban, Percy remarks, “All you did was weaken the wizarding world today, Potter. That’s all you did.”

My reaction: You want my reaction? You can’t handle my reaction!

*****

2. Back to the Future ending: Harry, Ron and Hermione defeat Voldemort by traveling back through time to 1955. While there, they befriend a young, and not yet evil, Tom Riddle. By showing him love and friendship, Tom grows up to be a swell guy, in fact, he’s Dumbledore’s personal assistant. Just as we think things are going to be OK, Mad Eye Moody shows up, grabs Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny and herds them to his nuclear powered broom time machine. When Harry asks what is wrong with them in future, Moody replies, “You turn out fineit’s your kids!”

My reaction: WTF???

*****

1. Harry Potter ending: It’s the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. ‘Nuff said.

My reaction: Whatever. That ending still sucks.

*****

Overall: Well, it shows that even a bad story can have some funny ways to end it. But as I have said before, I will throw out my own endings to Harry Potter, so watch for it!

Can You Believe It?

Harry Potter Movie Magic Experience

Harry Potter Movie Magic Experience (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ten years ago, the first Harry Potter movie was released in theaters, which sent off the biggest hype since the Disney movies in the 1990’s.

And on July 15, 2011, it all came to an end.

At this blog, we are continuing to talk about what has happened since Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone was released in theaters and how my friends and I all reacted when we found out about said movie. We had seen the first movie about 5 times before one of my friends said that the movie was boring and dull. Not exactly what you want to be saying to me at the time.

But now that I’m looking back on what had happened to me since then, I wondered if the me of 10 years ago would have imagined that I’d be throwing away my obsession with Harry Potter and switching to vampires (and Twilight). And if I were to meet my 10-year-younger self, I would tell her not to get wrapped up in the hype and find something better to obsess over, or better yet, wait for Lord of the Rings.

That is all for this matter.

The Legend of Phargi Phoenixfur

Nicked from “The Harry Potter Express

Well, there is one founder of Hogwarts who was left out in the records of Hogwarts’s founding. His name was Phargi Phoenixfur.

To start, Phargi was described as a man who makes you think of an elegant dragonfly. He has large brown eyes that are like two patches of dried blood. His fine, curly, ebony hair is neck-length and is worn in an impractical  carefully-crafted style. He has a graceful build. His skin is dark. His unusually short wand is simple, made of hornbeam, and has a core made of kelpie bone. He has a monkey as an animal companion.

Phargi met Godric Gryffindor, Helga Huffelpuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin when they invited him to help build a school for young wizards and witches. Many years later, when the Slytherins and the Gryffindors instiagted their famed rivalry, Phargi and his students soon abandoned Hogwarts and went on to build Tritonblast Academy of Sorcery, Alchemy, & Mysticism in Belgium with three houses named Spiritpuff, Fairytail, & Wolffeather.

But the house of Phoenixfur remained at Hogwarts, and it was used to secretly teach any orphan who had magic and had not been allowed to attend Hogwarts. Upon the end of Deathly Hallows, the house of Phoenixfur was re-opened and the house was filled with many war orphans who just couldn’t fit into the other four houses.

But the fate of the Phoenixfur family has been shrouded in mystery and a certain boy wizard and orphaned girl must discover what happened to the Phoenixfur who remained and find the mysterious school of Tritonblast.

But For a True Hero…

In all the Harry Potter bashing that I have done, there is one other person who is worthy of being a hero. His name is Neville Longbottom.

As we all know, Neville Longbottom had come a long way from being a clumsy forgetful boy we first met in Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone and now with Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows, we see him come into his own with killing Nagini (the Dark Lord’s snake) and becoming the true hero that Harry never really was.

In honor of that, we like to kick Neville up to the level of another hero…namely CHUCK NORRIS!!!

So here we go!

Neville Longbottom Jokes
  1. God said, “Let there be light!” and Neville Longbottom walked in.
  2. Neville Longbottom shaves with the sword of Gryffindor.
  3. Neville Longbottom is the reason the Leaky Cauldron got its name.
  4. Justin Timberlake claimed to be bringing sexy back. Neville Longbottom invented sexy.
  5. Neville Longbottom: better than Harry since 1980.
  6. Neville Longbottom doesn’t bowl strikes; he hits 1 pin and the other 9 freak out and die.
  7. Jacob Black thinks he’s the hottest guy on earth; Neville Longbottom is even hotter than him.
  8. Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Neville Longbottom.
  9. Neville Longbottom can slam revolving doors.
  10. Why did Stephenie Meyer end “Breaking Dawn” the way she did? Well, if she had put Neville Longbottom in the book, the Volturi would have all died upon seeing him.
  11. Neville Longbottom can touch MC Hammer.
  12. Some people say that Neville Longbottom is a coward. Those “some people” are now dead.
  13. Forget team Edward and Team Jacob; I’m on Team Neville!
  14. Team Neville: because going from coward to badass is cool!
  15. I love Neville Longbottom, because he’s better than Harry Potter.
  16. I love Neville Longbottom, because Harry Potter is an idiot.
  17. I love Neville Longbottom, because killing a snake and earning a fan club is far better than Harry Potter faking his own death and marrying a redhaired stalker fangirl.
  18. Everybody loves Raymond. Everyone except for Neville Longbottom.
  19. Mr. T pities the fool. Neville Longbottom rips the fool’s head off.
  20. Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Neville Longbottom.
  21. Neville Longbottom planted the Whomping Willow.
  22. Harry Potter backed down when fighting the Dark Lord. Neville Longbottom charged forward and killed Nagini. Who’s the hero now?
  23. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Neville Longbottom turned that wine into firewhiskey.
  24. Neville Longbottom does not sleep. He waits.
  25. Neville Longbottom did in fact, build Hogwarts in a day.
  26. Google won’t search for Neville Longbottom because it knows you don’t find Neville, he finds you.
  27. When somebody yells “Last one in is a rotten egg,” Neville Longbottom is never the rotten egg.
  28. If you spell Neville Longbottom in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  29. Neville Longbottom was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, “Only a scaredy-cat would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelry. I could do it all in one take.” 
  30. If you see Neville Longbottom fighting a snake, don’t help Neville, help the snake.
  31. When Bellatrix Lestrange goes to sleep every night, she checks her closet for Neville Longbottom.
  32. Emmett Cullen owns a pair of Neville Longbottom pajamas.
  33. The only thing Charlie Bone, Percy Jackson, and Neville Longbottom can agree on is that Harry Potter killed Cedric Diggory.
  34. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Neville Longbottom can touch this.
  35. Neville Longbottom had to confound the Goblet of Fire NOT to choose him.
  36. Threstals can see Neville Longbottom only if someone’s dying.
  37. The only letters in Neville Longbottom’s alphabet soup are B, A, M, F.
  38. When Neville Longbottom was being sorted, the Sorting Hat did not shout “Gryffindor!” Instead, it said, “FUTURE BAD A$$ MOTHER F***ER!”
  39. Neville Longbottom should have been the Boy-Who-Lived; he would have figured out that Professor Quirrell was looking from the sorcerer’s stone, found out that Ginny Weasley had opened the Chamber of Secrets, told the truth about Sirius Black, realized that the Twiwizard Tournament was rigged, THOUGHT before chasing after Sirius, stood up to Umbridge, and realized that Dumbledore was a manipulating, lying traitor who wanted to take over the world.
  40. For Jacquel’s wedding gift, Neville Longbottom gave her the Hogwarts Express. Which was quite impressive because he lifted the entire train and set it up in Italy in one evening.
  41. Yes, it’s Neville Longbottom’s birthday. But the jokes about him are getting old.
Well, with all these jokes that we’re telling, I say Neville must be the real hero and not stupid Harry Potter. So let’s give him moment…or even better, his own book series, since he’s worthy of this honor.