Never Thought We Would See This Happen…

Well, it’s happening today.

If you remember the bad fanfiction that was the Harry Potter epilogue, it has been 19 years since the Voldemort Wars ended.

Meaning, it’s officially 19 years later; on that day, a young boy was sent to Hogwarts by his parents, and reading that part in Harry Potter & the Deathly Hollows was AWKWARD for everyone!

But that’s not what this blog post is about.

In fact, I must say that today is the day when we finally see the dreaded Harry Potter epilogue come to life. As in, Harry’s poorly-named second son is on his way to Hogwarts.

I don’t believe it.

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Harry Potter References in “Janette Lennox”

The Hall at Christ Church in Oxford, England.

The Hall at Christ Church in Oxford, England. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In my 2013 NaNoWriMo story Janette Lennox, we have to wonder how many Harry Potter references are in this story. I know that there’s quite a few references, such as:

  • Janette being left at the church=Harry being left at the Dursleys
  • Janette being bullied by Tyson=Harry being bullied by Dudley
  • Janette being friends with Malinda and Silas=Harry being friends with Ron and Hermione
  • Janette leaving Bethsaida Chapel to attend Gamaris Academy of Alchemy & Magic=Harry leaving the Dursleys’ home to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry

There are several profound differences between Harry Potter and Janette Lennox; the main difference is that Janette is going through a mild form of PTSD after Tyson beats her for not attending his birthday party. Plus, Janette feels inadequate at times and she avoids the other students, especially those who have parents. As far as we know, Harry doesn’t even suffer the ill effects of being locked away in a closet for ten years, nor does he suffer from depression because he was living with people who did not like him or treat him well.

I could go on describing the differences between Harry and Janette, but that’s not this blog post. I have written Janette to be a darker version of Harry Potter with a few Twilight-like elements thrown in for good measure. There is the “Golden Trio” of Malinda, Silas, and a new boy named Garrett, but none of them are actually good; in fact, they plot to kidnap Janette and rid her of her magic. All of this tension will actually make a better story than Harry Potter ever was.

Now you know.

Link to this story on Smashwords:  (Janette Lennox)

How Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire Should Have Ended…

The Dark Mark as produced in the film of Harry...

The Dark Mark as produced in the film of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(right after Cedric dies and Harry fights Lord Voldemort and escapes)

Dumbledore: Last night, we received word of a terrible tragedy and today, we are experiencing a terrible loss. One of our students has been murdered. (all gasp) And while the Minister doesn’t want you to know the truth behind how he died, I feel that for you to not know the truth would be an insult to his memory. Therefore you all have the right to know how he died. Cedric Diggory was murdered by Lord Voldemort. (students groan. some of the girls start crying) And that is an unfortunate event indeed in the history of Hogwarts.

Nelena: Yeah, whatever.

Dumbledore: Cedric was a brave and loyal student and we will miss him terribly.

Nelena: Yeah, whatever.

Dumbledore: But now he is gone, and yet he taught us one thing: while we all may come from different worlds and have different views about magic, we all have the same heart. And so, we dedicate this evening to a student who gave his life for the good of the wizarding world.

Nelena: Yeah, whatever.

Jacquel: Say that one more time and I’ll come over there and beat the crap out of you! (Edward shows up. everyone gasps) Edward? Why are you here?

Cho: Cedric? You’re alive?

Edward: I’m not Cedric. I’m Edward Cullen.

Jacquel: Hey! I remember you! You’re a vampire!

Cho: Cedric’s a vampire?

Hermione: No, Cho. It’s Edward Cullen from Twilight.

Edward: Where is Harry?

Cho: Why?

Edward: I have a bone to pick with him.

Ron: Why?

Harry: What did I do?

Edward: You left me to die!

Harry: How?

Edward: This…

(flashback)

Voldemort: Avada Kevadra! (Cedric falls down dead)

Harry: Nooooooo! Cedric! (Cedric dies. Carlisle sees him)

Carlisle: Oh, this is injustice! The cute boy doesn’t deserve to die! I shall fix that! (he bites Cedric and changes him)

Cedric: Who are you, and more importantly, who am I?

Carlisle: I’m Carlisle Cullen, vampire extraordinaire. I’m also a doctor.

Cedric: Really?

Carlisle: Of course I am. Now, no more Cedric; it’s a stupid name! You’ll be known as Edward Cullen, mindreading extraodinaire. You’ll wear the coolest shirts and become a vampire.

Cedric: What? No wizard powers?

Carlisle: No! Wizards are stupid and they are evil! Only a vampire can do cool stuff like your mindreadng. Now let’s go show everyone how awesome you are!

(flashback ends)

Edward: Now you know. (notices Jacquel) And what are YOU doing here?

Jacquel: Blame the Volturi; they’re a bunch of stupid punks to begin with and Caius wanted to be “more that just friends” with me…

Caius: Oh no you did-ent!

Harry: She just did!

Edward: You didn’t care about me; you left me to die! Now I’m gonna give you what for! (pounces on Harry and attacks him)

Harry: Help me, Jacquel!

Jacquel: No way, Harry! When this ends, you’ll be riding a horse nude on Broadway and girls will love Cedric and hate you for allowing him to die!

Malfoy: And you just wanted to get into Cho’s pants!

Jacquel: Nobody asked you, Evil Faith!

Voldemort: Well, I never should have killed that boy in the first place.

Carlisle: Oh, so it was YOU who killed him? I usually don’t condone violence, but you are a lost cause! (jumps on Voldemort and rips his head off)

Kids: EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!

Aro: Oh Carlisle! You’re so gorgeous when you’re covered in blood! (Jacquel slaps him across his face) Why did you hit me like that? You’re so mean! (starts crying)

Jacquel: Don’t even go there, Aro! (meanwhile, Harry is getting his butt kicked by Edward)

Harry: I’m sorry I let you die!

Bella: Too late, Potter! A real friend would fight to the death to keep him alive! You fail, and so do that retarded redhead jerk and that stupid bucktoothed nerd girl sitting next to you!

Neville: Do I fail?

Jacob: Nope. You go all badass in the finale. And Jacquel marries the blond haired vampire jerk.

Caius: Yes!

Jacquel: What?

Fred & Magnus: Noooooo!

Harry Potter Spoof, Day 6

Group shot of the Monty Python crew in 1969

Group shot of the Monty Python crew in 1969 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Now that I have reached chapter 5, I have some new characters to introduce:

  1. Tarcey Pate: the son of Professor Pate, the science teacher. He is known as a bully and is very cruel to Harry.
  2. Junia Brown: another student at Warthogpox High who is a bully. She too is mean to Harry.
  3. Oscar Hernandez: who was created to force diversity into this story.

Chapter 5 contains “cursing“, poorly-worded Monty Python insults, and even Jill acting like a stuck-up brat who sings “don’t rock the boat” like her iPod‘s on replay. If chapter 6 is going to be anything like chapter 5, then I feel sorry for you.

Harry Potter Spoof, Day 4

Harry Moffer epilogue

Harry Moffer epilogue (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

And today’s chapter deals with Harry Moffer meeting the new “family” that he’s staying with for the duration of his term at Warthogpox High School. And to be honest, not one of them gave him a warm welcome.

Also, Harry has to deal with Jill Roseberry, who thinks that he’s nothing more than a fraud. She warns him not to cause any trouble at Warthogpox High. But as we all know, Harry doesn’t look for trouble, as trouble usually finds him. And Harry isn’t a secret hero; in fact, he’s practically a loser who people think is a hero. (See how I love to tear things apart?)

Plus, with my decision to get rid of the “abused Harry Potter cliché, I’m making sure that no abuse happens to our hero. But he will have some terrible hardships, that I promise you. This story isn’t for kids at all.

So there you have it.

Harry Potter Spoof, Day 2

After a ton of writing done, I’m done with Chapter 1 and am moving on to Chapter 2, which is called “An Invitation to Warthogpox High School“. In this part of the story, the normal and boring Harry Moffer gets an invite to attend an élite high school called Warthogpox High School, which is a school for geniuses like him.

And who gives him this exclusive invitation?

His name is Loomius Tafrin (a parody of the character Rubeus Hagrid) and he whisks Harry away from the Dourfeys by claiming that he is needed to leave his hometown  in Branford, Connecticut and he is being sent to Wyvernwing, Pennsylvania to attend Warthogpox High School.

Unlike the original story, Harry is quite comfortable where he is; in fact, he doesn’t want to leave his hometown and go to Wyvernwing. Tafrin, however, drags him away from his relatives with a few threats and tells them not to go looking for Harry. (We know that this order will be broken…eventually!)

Plus, Warthogpox is a parody of the name Hogwarts.

Now you know.

I’ll be back with more!

The Harry Potter spoof begins!

harry moffer 1

harry moffer 1 (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

Today, I now begin the spoof known as Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever!

In this parody, Harry Potter is a known as Harry Moffer, a normal boy who has nothing in common with his “useless” relatives. That is, until he is invited to attend an elite public school called Warthogpox High School. There, he meets Pun Teasley and Hildegarde Lamer and navigates the normal world of high school.

And no, there is no magic in the story. Now you know.

This blog post has been brought to you by: My version of a Harry Potter rip-off (accoriding to HowTo:Write a Harry Potter Ripoff)

P.S.: I’ve been aware that this is the 300th post on this blog.

Richard Griffiths, ‘Harry Potter’s’ Uncle Dursley, Dies at Age 65 | NextMovie

Richard Griffiths

Richard Griffiths (Photo credit: tamara.craiu)

via Richard Griffiths, ‘Harry Potter’s’ Uncle Dursley, Dies at Age 65 | NextMovie.

Well, as we all know, the man in the picture played the part of the uncle that we all loved to hate. (Well, to be fair, if you’re a muggle who has to live with a snot-nosedbrat who cares nothing about you, you’d be pissed off too.)

So that’s that.

R.I.P. Uncle Vernon; we shall miss how you intimidated Harry.

So, what’s next?

harry moffer 1

harry moffer 1 (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

Well, I know you’re all thinking what we’re going to be doing now that 2012 has come and gone. Since we’ve absolutely gotten over Harry Potter, here’s some of the things we’re working on for this year:

  • Finishing “This Story Makes No Sense”
  • Starting the Harry Moffer parody series
  • Writing at least one Harry Potter ripoff
  • Beginning the story “The Anti-Potter Fantasy Club”
  • Writing the ending to Away In England
  • Writing the ending to Bad Harry Potter Fan Fiction Stories
  • Fake parodies of Harry Potter
  • Rewriting the ending to Harry Potter

This list is only temporary, as there might be more ideas that we can be doing on this blog. We’ll be back with more.

I Have Survived (Cedric Diggory/Edward Cullen parody to the tune of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive)

at first I was upset, I was frightened
I was worried about not having her by my side
and as I spent those many nights thinking about how she did me wrong
and I got pissed, and now I’m getting my revenge…

guess what, I’m back from Forks Washington
and you’re just staring at me with that stupid look upon your face
I should have quit the competition, I should have had you expelled
if I knew that I would die and then you would dare move in on my girl

and now just go, just go away
please get out of my sight, because I don’t like you anymore
you were the one who lured me to my death
you made me take Lord Voldemort‘s curse and die

oh no not I
I have survived
and I know that I don’t need magic to stay alive

I got the rest of my life to live
and I got a new family to love
I have survived, I have survived

well you think that your love story is better than mine
did you forget that once upon a time, she tried to have you killed
and instead of comforting my girl when she needed it the most
you slapped her across her face and you said I was a fool

now they see me, somebody new
not that pretty boy who wanted to be friends with you
and I don’t have the time for your stupid magic tricks
because I’m heading back to the girl who I know really loves me

and now just go, just go away
please get out of my sight, because I don’t like you anymore
you were the one who lured me to my death
you made me take Lord Voldemort’s curse and die

oh no not I
I have survived
and I know that I don’t need magic to stay alive

I got the rest of my life to live
and I got a new family to love
I have survived, I have survived

now I’m gonna go, walk out the door
and I’m not looking back, because I don’t like you anymore
you were the one who lured me to my death
you made me take Lord Voldemort’s curse and die

oh no not I
I have survived
and I know that I don’t need magic to stay alive

I got the rest of my life to live
and I got a new family to love
I have survived, I have survived