Why am I rewriting “Away in England”? – Everything wrong with Harry Potter – Penana

https://www.penana.com/story/17889/why-am-i-rewriting-quot-away-in-england-quot/issue/1

In the following article, you may be wondering why I chose to rehash an old story instead of making up a new story. Maybe it’s because I really miss the first Harry Potter fanfiction art wrote and I wanted to rewrite it all over again with a new cast of characters.

Or maybe it’s because I want to call out the Harry Potter books for the crap that they are.

Who knows?

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How different would the Harry Potter series be, if it was written by George R.R. Martin instead of J.K. Rowling?

Jacquel Chrissy’s Answers – Quora

Well, here’s how I would see it:

1. Ginny Weasley and her twin brother Gerald would be banging each other, creating three bastard children while she was married to Harry Potter. James (who is the oldest) will be sitting on the Iron Throne after Harry dies in a Quidditch accident.

2. Harry would marry Ginny even though he still pines for a dead Hermione Granger. He also hires his best friend Neville Longbottom to be his hand and has illicit relationships with other girls and create numoerous bastard children.

3. Ron who is the most despised member of the Weasley family, is written as a Tyrion lookalike. Plus, he’d be a badass.

4. Neville is executed by James after he discovers the truth about Ginny and Gerald’s relationship. This rather unholy act angers Neville’s son Richard, who goes to war against the magical kingdom of Hogwartos. After several victories against the Weasley family, Arthur has Richard and his mother Hannah killed at the Lion Wedding.

5. Hermione, who was supposed to marry Harry, runs off with Draco Malfoy instead. Their son, Scorpius, is seen as the future hero even though he is raised as Neville’s bastard son. (in other words, D+H=S)

6. When Hermione ran off with Draco, Harry starts a war that gets the entire Malfoy family killed except for one.  Luna escapes across the sea to a foreign land called Azkabanos, where she becomes Khaleesi.

7. James is poisoned at the Snake wedding and Ron is blamed. He wants a trial by combat. His champion Cedric Diggory (who came to Hogs Landing to get revenge for his sister Cho’s death during Harry’s rebellion) fights against Viktor Krum and has his head crushed. (Ron also kills Arthur on the toilet and runs off to Azkabanos, where he meets Luna.)

8. Alice Longbottom would have to marry Ron, but escapes thanks to Severus Snape (who would be like Littlefinger). Lorcan would be crippled by Gerald and be trained in scrying by Hagrid. No word on Lysander.

9. Albus-Severus would be a weak king and Ginny would be arrested by the Order of Merlin for adultery, incest, and murder. Lily-Luna would be in Camelot, engaged to marry Chi Chang. (She also loses an ear)

10. All in all, there will be more violence, more sex, and more bad language than in Game of Thrones.

Harry Potter Redux quote/essay

What if I can’t be their hero? What if I’m destined to be the villain?”

Harry Potter is not the hero in the fan fiction “Harry Potter Redux“; in fact he has turned away from the path of being a hero and taking the path of wisdom. That move had shocked scores of wizards, including Albus Dumbledore, who had originally wanted Harry to go into his preferred house of Gryffindor. Instead, Harry goes into Ravenclaw and walks a fine line between wisdom and heroism. he chooses not to be the hero, but rather the wise mage that his parents and the headmaster never were.

Also, Harry thinks that voldemort isn’t worth fighting and Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger aren’t worthy of being his friends. he chooses two kids named Phil Dennison and Nina Barlow to be his friends, plus inviting two kids Duncan Snyder and the eccentric Candice Thorpe. the group, dubbed the “Blue Crew”, defeats the 15-member Dumbledore’s Army in a battle of wits. Harry defeats Dumbledore and then threatens to expose his true agenda to the wizarding world if he doesn’t stop interfering with his life.

Whether or not Harry will actually become the hero is up for grabs.

How I Think Harry Potter Should Have Ended

Harry Moffer 4

Harry Moffer 4 (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

“After realizing that it was all a fantasy and that his life still sucked, he was not a legendary hero, there was no magical academy where he would have friends and fans, and his parents’ death was really just an ordinary car accident, Harry reached up one last time to find he also didn’t really have a scar.”

What just happened? Harry Potter woke up back in his room. It wasn’t really much of a room; just a bed and a chest of drawers in a group home setting. In fact, there were several more beds in the place, which were surrounded by grey walls and no windows. How did I get to this place, he wondered to himself.

Little did he realize that his uncle and aunt had secretly sent him to the home when he began talking about magic and wizards and refusing to act like a normal boy. Harry also didn’t know what a group home was; he just pretended that the home was a magical school where he had friends, he was a legendary hero, and had millions of fans. He had gone on with this fantasy…at least until someone slapped him across his face.

“What gives?” Harry cried out.

“You,” said a girl (who was not Hermione Granger) who was standing over him. “You act so crazy, they’re about five seconds from sending you to the crazy house. That’s why your relatives got rid of you; they can’t handle your crazy. Can’t you be like everyone else?”

“You mean, there is no Hogwarts?” Harry cried out.

“No,” said a boy (who was not Ron Weasley) who stood next to the girl. “There’s no such thing as Hogwarts. In fact, there’s no such thing as magic at all. Now stop being crazy and grow up.”

The children walked away and slammed the door to Harry’s room shut, leaving Harry to wallow in the filth of his shame. He couldn’t believe that the greatest adventures of his life was nothing more than a fantasy that he made up in his head. He wasn’t famous, he had no friends, he had no fans, he wasn’t a wizard, and he certainly couldn’t do magic, as there was no such thing as magic. He stared into a mirror (or what appeared to be a mirror) and discovered that he did not have a scar.

My whole life is a lie, Harry thought to himself as his dream quickly evaporated, leaving him cold and alone. No one wanted to speak to him because of his fantasies and those who did smacked him around. Harry needed to grow up immediately. Perhaps he really needed to see a doctor about his delusions.

Why I Would Not Be Friends With Harry, Ron, or Hermione | bethhenshaw

I love the Harry Potter series, probably more than I should.  However, if I were enrolled at Hogwarts, I would never hang out with Harry, Ron, or Hermione.

Harry has too much drama in his life, Ron is not very nice, and Hermione is too intense.  Harry is constantly fretting and always has some big, exterior force (Voldemort) distracting him from having any fun.

Ron is not the worse Weasley by far (Percy), but he is definitely not the best (Fred and George).  He always has a scowl on his face, and can never say anything nice.  While I admire his lack of a filter, he often comes across as rude.

Hermione is one of those girls in the classroom that everyone hates.  Her hand shots up in the air before the question is even completed, and she proceeds to give the exact definition found in the textbook.  She is a grade A curve destroyer.

And to be blunt, the three of them are a clique.  They occasionally talk to other students, but most of the time they can be found huddling together whispering.  If anyone were to walk by, their conversation would cease until that person becomes out of sight.  Don’t you just love a good hushed conversation when you enter a room?  Me neither.  If I were at Hogwarts, I would find myself much more fun friends.

First, I would befriend Seamus Finnigan.  He is a pyromaniac for crying out loud!  Everyone needs a friend constantly blowing stuff up in their own face.  That’s just good company.

Second, a more obvious choice: Fred and George.  There is never a dull moment with this dynamic duo. No one wants to be the butt of their pranks, everyone wants to be laughing with them.  I want even more.  I would like to be the master mind behind some of their infamous pranks.  I love anyone who has the nerve to pull pranks, as it is wonderfully entertaining.  I need friends who will constantly keep me on my toes, and there is not a doubt in my mind that Fred and George would ever run out of fresh shenanigans.

Next is Luna.  She is one of my favorite characters in the entire series, because she is so fantastically real.  Luna would never lie, and she calls everything like she sees it.  Even if some of it sounds a bit loopy, she knows what’s up.  Conversations with Luna would be both entertaining and silly as we discuss the realm of reality and all that exists beyond it.

Next, would be Hannah Abbott simply because she seems nice.  There is not much said about her in the series, but Hufflepuff students are always patient and loyal: two great characteristics to have in a friend!

I would however, share several mutual friends with the three friends: Hagrid, Dobby, and Neville.  Hagrid is a big, loveable oaf.  He is very compassionate and could me give great piggy back rides.

Dobby has a steadfast and cute personality.  He is always willing to help and is usually very happy.  My favorite image of Dobby is of him in the Order of the Phoenix wearing a dozen of Hermione’s hand knitted hats.  (Sorry moviegoers, but you won’t understand that reference).

Neville is a great friend who always strives to do the right thing and eventually turns into an absolute badass.  He is brave when it matters and protects who he cares about.

Don’t get me wrong, I love everything about the series and I think J.K. Rowling crafted wonderfully intricate characters.  I love Ron, Harry, and Hermione as characters, I really do.  They are brave, clever, trustworthy, and passionate friends.  They make a great group!  I, however, would choose a different posse, but still fight alongside them against Voldemort and more importantly: Bellatrix.  Oh, to be a wizard at Hogwarts!  My letter is probably still just lost in the mail…

via Why I Would Not Be Friends With Harry, Ron, or Hermione | bethhenshaw.

Well the writer is right on the money. I have written fan fiction where I am friends with Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Big mistake there. First off, Harry is an orphan and my character’s tendency to be sympathetic towards less fortunate people always gets her into big trouble. Plus, Ron really needs to get away from his large, unbearable family. Also, Hermione is nothing more than a Mary-Sue know-it-all who probably needs to be smacked with a fist.

Plus, those guys are a clique. I’m not too fond of cliques, since people in cliques tend to isolate themselves from the rest of the school. There’s nothing that is more annoying than a group of people talking and then they shut up as soon as another student or a teacher walks right by them. Isn’t that just annoying? Makes you want to report them to the police or something like that.

If I went to Hogwarts, I would avoid Harry, Ron, and Hermione like the plague. No need for me to get involved with them and their schemes. In fact, I’d find ways to break the group apart, possibly for good.

Now you know.

Another Way to End Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone

(based on the alternative ending to The Story That Made No Sense)

Harry walked through the door and into a small room. He saw a small table in the middle of the room and on the table was the stone. The famed Sorcerer’s Stone. That stone that he had been looking for for several weeks. He reached out to touch the stone when a hand stopped him.

Professor Snape?” Harry cried out as he turned to face the man. “No, no; it can’t be! It just can’t be!” Professor Snape frowned as he looked at the boy.

“What are you doing here, Harry Potter?” Professor Snape snapped in anger.

“Ron, Hermione and I all thought that someone was going to steal the Sorcerer’s Stone, so that’s why I came here,” said Harry.

“Indeed,” said Professor Snape.

Just then, there was a muffled scream, and Professor McGonagall and Professor Vector came out, with Professor Quirrell between them. He was bound hand and foot.

“Professor McGonagall?” Harry squeaked, but the old woman glared at him. “We caught Professor Quirrell trying to sneak into the Third Floor Corridor,” she said.

“How did you—” Harry began, but she continued, “I saw Filch dragging young Neville Longbottom around the school and demanded an explanation. When Neville mentioned that Professor Quirrell was going to steal the stone and you and your friends were going to stop him, we had to take action.”

Harry gasped as he saw Hermione and Ron, standing with several other teachers. Professor Dumbledore was among the teachers. He said, “Thank you for alerting me to the situation, young Harry. If it weren’t for you kids, we might not have known that Professor Quirrell was trying to steal the Stone from the school.”

“So what’s going to happen now?” Harry cried out.

“First, Professor Quirrell’s going to be spending a few long years in prison and we’re going to put the Sorcerer’s Stone in a place where it will never be found,” said Dumbledore.

“But what about Nicolas Flamel,” said Harry. “He might want it back!”

“Indeed,” said Dumbledore. “All the same, we must put it away so that it cannot be found and used for evil. I shall speak with him about this. And you kids should go back to bed and get some rest.”

“About the stone,” Harry wondered. “What about the stone granting eternal life?”

“The story about the stone granting immortal life is nothing more than a myth,” said the old wizard. “In the old days, seeking immortality was a crime punishable by death in the wizarding world.”

McGonagall said, “And had Quirrell gotten to it before we did, it would be nothing short of a disaster, one that not even Albus himself would be able to stop. Now, let’s finish this business, as we have more important things to take care of.”

***

Within a few hours, Harry found himself facing his friends in the Great Hall. The whole school looked at him with suspicion. Professor Quirrell was not there; Dumbledore had told everyone that Quirrell had been arrested for stealing the Sorcerer’s Stone.

Dumbledore then said, “I have some awards to give out. For using logic to solve the most complex of problems, I hereby present this medal to Hermione Granger!” A few scattered applauses filled the hall, coming mainly from the Gryffindor students, as nobody really liked Hermione, save for Harry and Ron. Hermione frowned as she went to get her medal.

Dumbledore then said, “For solving one of the world’s toughest riddles, I hereby present this medal to Ron Weasley!” The applause was more clustered coming mainly from the Gryffindor students, especially the Weasleys, but then again, nobody really liked Ron. He smiled as he went to get his medal.

The old headmaster said, “The next medal goes to he who showed love and bravery in the face of a dangerous enemy and prevented a disaster. I award this medal to Harry James Potter!” This time, everyone in the Great Hall cheered as Harry rushed forward to claim his medal. He had never gotten rewarded for anything in his life and that win was worth more to him than anything in the world. For now, that is.

But it was not over yet, for Dumbledore then said, “It’s not enough for us to stand up to those who are our enemies, but sometimes we must also stand up to our friends as well. I hereby recognize Neville Longbottom for his efforts.” The applause was now thunderous and everyone clapped Neville on his back. Neville was touched; no one liked him and so far no one cared to become his friend. But Harry Potter became his friend and that was all that mattered.

Draco slammed down his wizarding hat in disgust. So did the other Slytherins. Draco hated Harry since Day 1 and the fact that Harry was famous made his blood boil. So did being in Gryffindor and refusing to befriend him. Draco threw Harry a hateful look and left the Great Hall.

But Harry didn’t care; he was just living in the moment. Ron, Hermione, and even Neville beamed with excitement. Everyone cheered for their hero, not knowing that tomorrow would be heartbreaking for poor little Harry. He would have to go back to the Dursleys in the morning.

Harry stood at the train station the next day. He was talking to Hagrid. Hagrid said, “You don’t look too happy, Harry. I wonder why.”

“I don’t want to go back to the Dursleys,” said Harry. Hagrid stared at him. “They don’t treat me right, and I highly doubt if they would be willing to allow me to leave their house now, let alone attend Hogwarts or any other school.” Harry began to cry. “I just want to be a normal boy and be loved.”

Hagrid hugged him, frowning as he realized where Harry was going to end up. Back at the Dursleys. Back to the Muggles who mistreated him. He would not allow this. Why Dumbledore was sending him back there, he would never know.

He said, “Don’t worry, I’ll get in touch with Minerva and see if she wants to keep you at her mansion for the summer. Over her dead body will you return to the Dursleys.”

Harry sighed as he waved goodbye to Ron and Hermione as the train left the station. He knew that he was going to have a better summer than the summer that he had had before Hagrid arrived. Hedwig glanced at him and he nodded, knowing that for the first time in his life, things were certainly looking up for him now.

The End!!!

Why Hogwarts Was All in Harry’s Head: A Conspiracy Theory | Cracked.com

Harry Potter

Harry Potter (Photo credit: ACPL)

via Why Hogwarts Was All in Harry’s Head: A Conspiracy Theory | Cracked.com.

Now we have another article from Cracked.com that deals with Harry Potter. It raises a question of the “it’s all in his head” cliche and the evidence that supported this theory.

Here’s my take on the article:

  1. He was abused as a child“: why didn’t the authorities intervene early, like say, when Harry was attending regular school? You don’t abuse children like that and not expect any punishment to happen. Now, if this happened in the Unites States, depriving a child of food and denying their right to humanity, as well as emotional abuse, could land you in jail for a long time and permanently stain your reputation.
  2. It’s Called Fantasy Coping Theory“: what happens when Harry turns 11? He gets rescued by Hagrid and taken to the wizarding world, where he finds out that he is rich and famous and has hordes of followers. Or was it all in his head? There have been instances where abuse victims have used the fantasy escape mechanism to deal with their abusive lives (prime examples: Babydoll from Sucker Punch and Olivia Harlequin from The Short (Human) Life of Olivia Harlequin-Grantley) and this pattern of escaping into an alternate reality makes a lot more sense than some huge guy coming from nowhere flying on a motorcycle. (Plus, motorcycles don’t fly)
  3. The Abuse Doesn’t Stop“: Well, as Harry gets older, the abuse he suffers at home gets worse. Maybe it all gets to the point where he’s in and out of the hospital making up lies about his injuries. Many abuse victims are known to lie about how they got the injury that sent them to the hospital, and the story keeps changing as the injuries get even more serious. (Surely a doctor would notice the injuries and inform the police, right?)

  4. All of Those Inconsistencies Make Sense Now“: There is a very good reason why Hogwarts had to be in Harry’s head; as he got older, Harry had to explain away his fantasy to avoid losing it altogether.

So, what’s the deal on this issue? Was this a story filled with bad writing about a crappy alternative universe, or was it the messed-up imagination of a boy who was slowly dying due the abuses that were inflicted on him?

Or as one reviewer puts it: “After realizing that it was all a fantasy and that his life still sucked, he was not a legendary hero, there was no magical academy where he would have friends and fans, and his parents’ death was really just an ordinary car accident, Harry reached up one last time to find he also didn’t really have a scar.”

So, what you think about this? I await your answers.

Seven Reasons Why Hermione Should Have Been the Main Character in the Harry Potter Books

hermione granger

hermione granger (Photo credit: karly ilustraciones)

Today, we will be looking at the character Hermione Granger and why she was never the main character in the Harry Potter books. For many years, she was seen simply as the friend of Harry Potter who was a girl. To me, I think that it’s rather pathetic that Hermione was seen this way and I fully resolve to make sure that the real Hermione Granger steps forward.

7. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be friends with Harry Potter or Ron Weasley. Case in point: Hermione glanced all around her and saw two boys sitting in a booth. One had red hair and the other had dark hair and wore glasses. She frowned as she stared at the two boy and thought to herself there’s no way I’m hanging out with those two! They look like complete losers! She shook her head and went to the next booth. Perhaps the people in the other car would help her track down Neville’s lost toad.

6. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be in Gryffindor. In fact, she’d be in Ravenclaw. Case in point: Hermione took her seat as the Sorting Hat was placed on her head. Within a few seconds, it shouted out the word “RAVENCLAW“. The Ravenclaws applauded as she took her place among them. (Also, why would JKR place a smart girl like Hermione in the lamest house in Hogwarts?)

5. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be on the Quidditch team. THAT would cut into her homework time.

4. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be so involved with her friends that she cuts off her parents, or even modify her parents’ memories to make them forget that they even had a daughter in the first place. She would at least write to her parents once a month to inform them of her progress at Hogwarts.

3. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she wouldn’t be so concerned about her looks or if the other students would want her around. She has better things to do than to worry about superficial things. Also, she wouldn’t be hanging out with such book dumb people as Harry and Ron. Her friends would be just as smart as she is.

2. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she would be the smartest student in the school. But her adventures in Hogwarts will most likely be the subversion of the trope “Intelligence Equals Isolation”. I mean, she’s got to have *SOME* friends, just not Harry Potter and Ron Weasley.

1. If Hermione was the main character in the story, she would have already figured out that Quirrell was going to steal the sorcerer’s stone, found out that Ginny Weasley had opened the Chamber of Secrets, told the truth about Sirius Black, realized that the Twiwizard Tournament was rigged, THOUGHT before chasing after Sirius, stood up to Umbridge, and realized that Dumbledore was a manipulating, lying traitor who wanted to take over the world.

So there you have it. Unless JKR is willing to rewrite the series in Hermione’s POV and make her the main character, I’m never touching the Harry Potter books again.

My version of a Harry Potter rip-off (accoriding to HowTo:Write a Harry Potter Ripoff)

Well, first off, I did say that I wanted to write a rip-off of Harry Potter and the best way to do that is to just remake the series and inject a ton of silliness into it.

Like doing this:

  1. What is the concept: Harry Potter (plain and simple)
  2. What is the twist: the entire story takes place in a normal boring high school in a normal boring American town (nuff said)
  3. Who are the heroes: (ignoring the usually dull “Golden Trio” routine, I shall create the following): Harry Potter, who is renamed Harry Moffer, has a distinctive mark on his head that vaguely resembles a unicorn’s horn that is twisted into the shape of a C. Ron Weasley is renamed Pun Teasely and he knows the answers to scores of puns and riddles, not that it does him any good when it comes to actual social situations. Hermione Granger is renamed Hildegarde Lamer, and unlike the real Hermione, Hildegarde is not too bright and very few people, if any, can take her seriously. Rounding out the cast is Munoto Kuga (who is Japanese and has ZERO interest in anime) and Angelique Washington (who is black but really hates it when people call her out for not “acting black” (well, I guess it’s time to kill the all-white cast and get rid of the token racial stereotypes that have ever plagued out stories.
  4. What school does Harry attend: a normal high school. Duh! (What? you were expecting some exciting magical school? well, I have news for you; we’ve seen way too many books about magical schools in them, so enough with that cliché! plus, wouldn’t it be nice if Harry Potter went to a real school?)
  5. What is the quest: (well, this one is going to sound rather silly) since this is the first story and since it’s based off of Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone, I’ll have Harry and his friends go chasing after the magician’s crystal, which is shaped like a flower and gives the user the power to…(hmmm…now that I came up with this crazy idea on a whim, whatever shall I do with the crystal? I’ll come back to this one later.)
  6. Who is the villain: Well, this time, Lord Voldemort will be given the really silly name of Gourd Maldyfart and he isn’t just some boring douchebag like his real-life counterpart; in fact, he’s the kids’ less than exciting math teacher who thinks that he’s the most powerful wizard in the world when he’s really a loser who lives in the basement of some respectable person’s house. (Of course, that’s just the foundation, but I’ll return later to knock this plot into place)
  7. As for everything else: Dumbledore is just the principal named Halfus Snibblepore, Snape is the science teacher named Celevus Pate, Malfoy is known as Domro Wilfy, and since the story takes place in a regular high school, there’s hardly any magic that will take place, unless it’s Jill Roseberry (a.k.a. moi) who is very much preoccupied with her role-playing games to be much of a bother to the story. (Plus, no matter how smart Jill is, Harry and his friends don’t beg her for her help until it’s almost too late. well, that’s just how it is)

Well, that’s only part ONE of the story. In order to continue with the rest, all I have to do is this:

Book 1: Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever! (In which Harry Moffer goes to Warthogpox High School and deals with a next-to-useless magical object called the Magician’s Crystal)

Book 2: Harry Moffer & the Really Stupid Sequel (This time, Warthogpox High gets bitten by the High School Musical bug and Harry Moffer is the only one who can save everyone from their forced singing. But to do that, he’ll have to go into the cubicle of restricted fruitcakes and do battle with a former Warthogpox High student. The name of the student I will decide later)

Book 3: Harry Moffer & the High School Sophomores Who Just Can’t Keep It Together (in Harry Motter’s sophomore year at Warthogpox High School, a man by the name of Spoofius Brown breaks free of his prison at Cronecast Castle and seeks the guy who ruined his life. Poor Harry is caught in the middle of the conflict. Plus, no one in his class is acting right at all.)

Book 4: Harry Moffer Really Needs to Just Give Up & Go Home (in the middle of Harry’s sophomore year, four exchange students arrive in the school, named Narlie Tone, Corviss Anvaleese, Quercy Namsan, and Rella Fawn, all who are better than poor Harry Moffer and his band of losers. Plus, a classmate named Deadric Vampory returns from the dead to harass our hero!)

Book 5: Harry Moffer & the Unhappy Fandom (in Harry Moffet’s junior year at Warthogpox High, a huge group of people band together to protect him from He-Who-Really-Needs-a-Better-Name. But Harry doesn’t care about that at all; in fact, he has to do this really stupid project for his English and history classes and he really can’t afford to waste any time doing other things. This includes pursuing the not-token Latino Dora Explorez. Plus, the fandom is starting to get tired of his antics and a flood of hate letters proves that.)

Book 6: Harry Moffer is a Complete Idiot (in this next part of the story, Harry is torn between Dora and Pun’s annoying Mary-Sue sister Fanny. Also, Pun and Hildegarde are fighting while Lord Whatever-His-Name-Is is doing nothing more than using magic to wreak havoc on the normal citizens of the American town where the story is taking place)

Book 7: Harry Moffer & Whatever is Left to Come (Well, Harry is now a high school senior and instead on focusing on graduating, he’s gotten himself roped into joining Jill and her role-playing friends, who are playing a deadly new game called Quest Thunder. However, the game is really a trick created by Lord Can’t-Come-Up-With-a-Good-Name in which he is trying to trap Harry)

STILL book 7: The Harry Moffer Series Has Been Permanently Canceled, So Goodbye Everyone! (After Harry has barely survived a kidnapping attempt by the Stupid Lord, he plunkers down to prepare to graduate from Warthogpox High School. But along the way, he has to deal with the problem of college applications, what to study in college, and deciding once and for all if he is going to be dating Dora Explorez or Fanny Teasely. Well, the Stupid Lord has decided that he’s going to put the breaks on Harry’s future plans…permanently! Can Harry survive long enough to actually make it to graduation?)

Well, I’m having a lot of fun with this story and since I want a parody/rip-off of Harry Potter that ACTUALLLY makes sense, so I’m going to use this idea for the parody and give the Tyler Potter spoof a much-needed makeover.

Now I’m off to work on this thing, but before I go, I shall leave you all with one final spoof…

Harry Moffer & the Crappy Epilogue: Many years after graduating from Warthogpox High School, Harry is sending his three properly named children with the still Mary-Sue-like Fanny Teasley off to school. But controversy arrives when a son of Dora Explorez and a daughter of Jill Roseberry (both of who look like Harry) show up to enroll in the same school, leaving everyone to wonder if Harry had really cheated on his so-called “true love” with his former high school sweetheart and the now successful actress.

Now that’s enough of that. Now go away, because I’ve got work to do and it needs to be done. Buzz off.

Link to website where I go the idea to write this blog post: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/HowTo:Write_a_Harry_Potter_Ripoff#Overview

So, What Happened in “The Epilogue That Made No Sense”?

Well, basically, here’s the deal:

  1. Tyler Potter married Sadie Schroeder (the Mary-Sue character) and they have three children named Miles, Alexander-David, and Annette Aslan.
  2. Marty McGuire married Coco Riddle and they have two children named Marcie and Cyrus.
  3. Hayley Snape married Sophia Meuller and they had four children, yet only two have been named Felicity and Finley.
  4. Malcolm Dratzins has a son named Devlin, but his wife was unnamed.
  5. Trixis Wolfin (possibly a play on the name Teddy Lupin) is dating Pepper Snape (Hayley’s niece). Pepper’s father is one of Hayley’s older brothers, but which one of his brothers is Pepper’s father, the story does not say.
  6. Alistair Johnson married Tyler’s cousin Galadriel Black and they are the parents of an unnamed set of twins. Alistair is also a techer at Pinecastle Academy.
  7. At this point, Marty hasn’t reconciled with the McGuire or Luvannokitch families, nor does he want to.
  8. Alexander-David fears for his place at Pinecastle Academy, but Tyler convinces him not to worry, as it doesn’t matter where he is placed, just as long as he makes something of it.
  9. Alexander-David stares at Felicity. (Hayley/Tyler part II?)
  10. Malcolm is confronted by Hayley.
  11. After all was said and done, the kids board the train and the train takes off. Sadie comforts Tyler and reassures him that Alexander-David will be fine.
  12. It ends with those three dreaded words: “All was well“.

Well, that was my take of the parody of the Harry Potter Epilogue. I hope you’ve enjoyed it and I might even build a story around these poorly-created new characters at some point in time.