Why am I rewriting “Away in England”? – Everything wrong with Harry Potter – Penana

https://www.penana.com/story/17889/why-am-i-rewriting-quot-away-in-england-quot/issue/1

In the following article, you may be wondering why I chose to rehash an old story instead of making up a new story. Maybe it’s because I really miss the first Harry Potter fanfiction art wrote and I wanted to rewrite it all over again with a new cast of characters.

Or maybe it’s because I want to call out the Harry Potter books for the crap that they are.

Who knows?

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Not Another Harry Potter Story!!!

Ok, so once again, we have to deal with J. K. Rowling being unable to let go of her cash cow, I mean, Harry Potter. Good golly god, Rowling! Haven’t you had enough of Harry Potter? Because we sure have.

Besides, do we really care to hear about Harry Potter? No! We want to know more about Dumbledore, Snape, and the wizarding world in general. Plus, as the song states, we’re getting tired of Pooter.

(and yes, I meant to write Pooter instead of Potter. Thank you for pointing that out.)

Just mosey on along.

Harry Potter Redux quote/essay

What if I can’t be their hero? What if I’m destined to be the villain?”

Harry Potter is not the hero in the fan fiction “Harry Potter Redux“; in fact he has turned away from the path of being a hero and taking the path of wisdom. That move had shocked scores of wizards, including Albus Dumbledore, who had originally wanted Harry to go into his preferred house of Gryffindor. Instead, Harry goes into Ravenclaw and walks a fine line between wisdom and heroism. he chooses not to be the hero, but rather the wise mage that his parents and the headmaster never were.

Also, Harry thinks that voldemort isn’t worth fighting and Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger aren’t worthy of being his friends. he chooses two kids named Phil Dennison and Nina Barlow to be his friends, plus inviting two kids Duncan Snyder and the eccentric Candice Thorpe. the group, dubbed the “Blue Crew”, defeats the 15-member Dumbledore’s Army in a battle of wits. Harry defeats Dumbledore and then threatens to expose his true agenda to the wizarding world if he doesn’t stop interfering with his life.

Whether or not Harry will actually become the hero is up for grabs.

How I Think Harry Potter Should Have Ended

Harry Moffer 4

Harry Moffer 4 (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

“After realizing that it was all a fantasy and that his life still sucked, he was not a legendary hero, there was no magical academy where he would have friends and fans, and his parents’ death was really just an ordinary car accident, Harry reached up one last time to find he also didn’t really have a scar.”

What just happened? Harry Potter woke up back in his room. It wasn’t really much of a room; just a bed and a chest of drawers in a group home setting. In fact, there were several more beds in the place, which were surrounded by grey walls and no windows. How did I get to this place, he wondered to himself.

Little did he realize that his uncle and aunt had secretly sent him to the home when he began talking about magic and wizards and refusing to act like a normal boy. Harry also didn’t know what a group home was; he just pretended that the home was a magical school where he had friends, he was a legendary hero, and had millions of fans. He had gone on with this fantasy…at least until someone slapped him across his face.

“What gives?” Harry cried out.

“You,” said a girl (who was not Hermione Granger) who was standing over him. “You act so crazy, they’re about five seconds from sending you to the crazy house. That’s why your relatives got rid of you; they can’t handle your crazy. Can’t you be like everyone else?”

“You mean, there is no Hogwarts?” Harry cried out.

“No,” said a boy (who was not Ron Weasley) who stood next to the girl. “There’s no such thing as Hogwarts. In fact, there’s no such thing as magic at all. Now stop being crazy and grow up.”

The children walked away and slammed the door to Harry’s room shut, leaving Harry to wallow in the filth of his shame. He couldn’t believe that the greatest adventures of his life was nothing more than a fantasy that he made up in his head. He wasn’t famous, he had no friends, he had no fans, he wasn’t a wizard, and he certainly couldn’t do magic, as there was no such thing as magic. He stared into a mirror (or what appeared to be a mirror) and discovered that he did not have a scar.

My whole life is a lie, Harry thought to himself as his dream quickly evaporated, leaving him cold and alone. No one wanted to speak to him because of his fantasies and those who did smacked him around. Harry needed to grow up immediately. Perhaps he really needed to see a doctor about his delusions.

Jeff Starr’s Harry Potter and the Veil of Death

via Jeff Starr’s Harry Potter and the Veil of Death.

I have read this story years BEFORE the boringly unrealistic “Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallowswas even thought of. In this more realistic fan fiction retelling, Harry and his friends fight Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters while Harry deals with his past and other issues.

Also, the story treats the so-called “Deathly Hallows” with more respect than the original book does.

On another note, there are several characters who die, and their deaths are treated with respect, not relegated to a few lines and Harry isn’t mourning for them.

Plus, the epilogue, while painfully predictable, is much better than the pile of sludge that J.K. Rowling gave to us.

So, in the words of advertisements everywhere, don’t read “Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows“; read this story instead. You’ll have a better time if you do.

I’ll be giving out a review of this story soon.

Another Way to End Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone

(based on the alternative ending to The Story That Made No Sense)

Harry walked through the door and into a small room. He saw a small table in the middle of the room and on the table was the stone. The famed Sorcerer’s Stone. That stone that he had been looking for for several weeks. He reached out to touch the stone when a hand stopped him.

Professor Snape?” Harry cried out as he turned to face the man. “No, no; it can’t be! It just can’t be!” Professor Snape frowned as he looked at the boy.

“What are you doing here, Harry Potter?” Professor Snape snapped in anger.

“Ron, Hermione and I all thought that someone was going to steal the Sorcerer’s Stone, so that’s why I came here,” said Harry.

“Indeed,” said Professor Snape.

Just then, there was a muffled scream, and Professor McGonagall and Professor Vector came out, with Professor Quirrell between them. He was bound hand and foot.

“Professor McGonagall?” Harry squeaked, but the old woman glared at him. “We caught Professor Quirrell trying to sneak into the Third Floor Corridor,” she said.

“How did you—” Harry began, but she continued, “I saw Filch dragging young Neville Longbottom around the school and demanded an explanation. When Neville mentioned that Professor Quirrell was going to steal the stone and you and your friends were going to stop him, we had to take action.”

Harry gasped as he saw Hermione and Ron, standing with several other teachers. Professor Dumbledore was among the teachers. He said, “Thank you for alerting me to the situation, young Harry. If it weren’t for you kids, we might not have known that Professor Quirrell was trying to steal the Stone from the school.”

“So what’s going to happen now?” Harry cried out.

“First, Professor Quirrell’s going to be spending a few long years in prison and we’re going to put the Sorcerer’s Stone in a place where it will never be found,” said Dumbledore.

“But what about Nicolas Flamel,” said Harry. “He might want it back!”

“Indeed,” said Dumbledore. “All the same, we must put it away so that it cannot be found and used for evil. I shall speak with him about this. And you kids should go back to bed and get some rest.”

“About the stone,” Harry wondered. “What about the stone granting eternal life?”

“The story about the stone granting immortal life is nothing more than a myth,” said the old wizard. “In the old days, seeking immortality was a crime punishable by death in the wizarding world.”

McGonagall said, “And had Quirrell gotten to it before we did, it would be nothing short of a disaster, one that not even Albus himself would be able to stop. Now, let’s finish this business, as we have more important things to take care of.”

***

Within a few hours, Harry found himself facing his friends in the Great Hall. The whole school looked at him with suspicion. Professor Quirrell was not there; Dumbledore had told everyone that Quirrell had been arrested for stealing the Sorcerer’s Stone.

Dumbledore then said, “I have some awards to give out. For using logic to solve the most complex of problems, I hereby present this medal to Hermione Granger!” A few scattered applauses filled the hall, coming mainly from the Gryffindor students, as nobody really liked Hermione, save for Harry and Ron. Hermione frowned as she went to get her medal.

Dumbledore then said, “For solving one of the world’s toughest riddles, I hereby present this medal to Ron Weasley!” The applause was more clustered coming mainly from the Gryffindor students, especially the Weasleys, but then again, nobody really liked Ron. He smiled as he went to get his medal.

The old headmaster said, “The next medal goes to he who showed love and bravery in the face of a dangerous enemy and prevented a disaster. I award this medal to Harry James Potter!” This time, everyone in the Great Hall cheered as Harry rushed forward to claim his medal. He had never gotten rewarded for anything in his life and that win was worth more to him than anything in the world. For now, that is.

But it was not over yet, for Dumbledore then said, “It’s not enough for us to stand up to those who are our enemies, but sometimes we must also stand up to our friends as well. I hereby recognize Neville Longbottom for his efforts.” The applause was now thunderous and everyone clapped Neville on his back. Neville was touched; no one liked him and so far no one cared to become his friend. But Harry Potter became his friend and that was all that mattered.

Draco slammed down his wizarding hat in disgust. So did the other Slytherins. Draco hated Harry since Day 1 and the fact that Harry was famous made his blood boil. So did being in Gryffindor and refusing to befriend him. Draco threw Harry a hateful look and left the Great Hall.

But Harry didn’t care; he was just living in the moment. Ron, Hermione, and even Neville beamed with excitement. Everyone cheered for their hero, not knowing that tomorrow would be heartbreaking for poor little Harry. He would have to go back to the Dursleys in the morning.

Harry stood at the train station the next day. He was talking to Hagrid. Hagrid said, “You don’t look too happy, Harry. I wonder why.”

“I don’t want to go back to the Dursleys,” said Harry. Hagrid stared at him. “They don’t treat me right, and I highly doubt if they would be willing to allow me to leave their house now, let alone attend Hogwarts or any other school.” Harry began to cry. “I just want to be a normal boy and be loved.”

Hagrid hugged him, frowning as he realized where Harry was going to end up. Back at the Dursleys. Back to the Muggles who mistreated him. He would not allow this. Why Dumbledore was sending him back there, he would never know.

He said, “Don’t worry, I’ll get in touch with Minerva and see if she wants to keep you at her mansion for the summer. Over her dead body will you return to the Dursleys.”

Harry sighed as he waved goodbye to Ron and Hermione as the train left the station. He knew that he was going to have a better summer than the summer that he had had before Hagrid arrived. Hedwig glanced at him and he nodded, knowing that for the first time in his life, things were certainly looking up for him now.

The End!!!

Harry Potter Retelling

anti-Harry Potter stamp

anti-Harry Potter stamp (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

A retelling of the Harry Potter story; but this time, a character from a classic Jacquel story attending Hogwarts thinks that Harry is evil and he must be stopped at any cost.

In this story, a character named Lucinda Shea is attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and for some insane reason, she believes that Harry Potter and his friends are evil and with that, she plots to destroy them. She does this by convincing a group of people who are tired of having to deal with Harry and want him gone. Also, she spreads rumors that Dumbledore is gay and that he is responsible for the decline of the wizarding world.

Lord Voldemort, learning about the rumors, decides to attack the Ministry of Magic as everyone else is reeling from the news. Also, the backstory about Dumbledore and Grindelwald is revealed, bringing further doubt on Dumbledore’s reputation as a great wizard.

Also, Harry suffers a terrible tragedy and eventually disappears without a trace.

Well, that’s the story, but I have to hand it to myself for even making it up, even if I never write it. And since the Harry Potter fandom is winding down, the smoke has cleared up and we realize that the story didn’t make much sense.

Harry Potter & the Methods of Rationality

Harry Potter & the Methods of Rationality movi...

Harry Potter & the Methods of Rationality movie poster (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

This blog post talks about the most talked-about fan fiction that’s circulating the internet: Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality!

So, what is Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality? Well, it’s a fan fiction written by Eliezer Yudkowsky / Less Wrong on FanFiction.Net.

What is this story about, you ask? Here’s the answer:

Suppose that Petunia Evans does NOT marry Vernon Dursley; instead she marries a biochemist named Michael Verres. James and Lily die (just like in every alternative reality) and Harry ends up being adopted by Petunia and Verres. He grows up learning about science and reading science fiction. By the time his Hogwarts letter arrives, Harry is a genius and he sets off attempting to apply the methods of rationality to a world that has never heard of science.

Well, that’s that.

The story plays out like a serial fiction, with Harry attempting to apply science to a magical world. If you want to read it, be forewarned, for this story nitpicks at the original Harry Potter story and it also destroys everything that you thought you knew about Harry Potter.

Or as the writer says: This fic is widely considered to have really hit its stride starting at around Chapter 5. If you still don’t like it after Chapter 10, give up.

So, what’s different about Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality? Harry sees Draco Malfoy as a person and not an enemy. he also sees Ron as dull and uninteresting and so, they don’t become friends. Harry calls Snape out on his bull during potions class. (And that’s just the beginning of the story!)

This is one of the most popular fan fiction stories about Harry Potter out there and I highly suggest that you read this story immediately.

Plus, rational Harry is so much better that Rowling Harry.

Links:
The Story: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5782108/1/Harry-Potter-and-the-Methods-of-Rationality
The Website: http://hpmor.com/