Jeff Starr’s Harry Potter and the Veil of Death

via Jeff Starr’s Harry Potter and the Veil of Death.

I have read this story years BEFORE the boringly unrealistic “Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallowswas even thought of. In this more realistic fan fiction retelling, Harry and his friends fight Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters while Harry deals with his past and other issues.

Also, the story treats the so-called “Deathly Hallows” with more respect than the original book does.

On another note, there are several characters who die, and their deaths are treated with respect, not relegated to a few lines and Harry isn’t mourning for them.

Plus, the epilogue, while painfully predictable, is much better than the pile of sludge that J.K. Rowling gave to us.

So, in the words of advertisements everywhere, don’t read “Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows“; read this story instead. You’ll have a better time if you do.

I’ll be giving out a review of this story soon.

How Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows should have ended…

Dobby in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ...

Dobby in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Harry: I’m about to take down Dumbledore. Who’s willing to fight with me?

Jacquel: Well, before I answer that question, there’s something you need to know: Dumbledore was actually in league with Grindelwald.

Seamus: And both of them knocked me up. Twice.

Jacquel: Back to my original question: how dumb are you?

Ron: That’s not very nice!

Bellatrix: I knew Dumbledore was a stupid old bastard…(Neville chops her head off)

Neville: Yeah! That’s for my family, you bitch! (Nagini hisses at him) Don’t think I won’t go for you! (he kills Nagini)

Ron: Whoa, Neville! You’ve gone all badass!

Hermione: Exactly like that wolf-guy said.

Jacquel: And I’m supposed to marry the blonde haired guy.

Harry: Lucius Malfoy?

Jacquel: No way! I’m not marrying him, not with his long hair, elegant clothes, swinging that pimp cane around…no!

Voldemort: I have my wand out, Potter. I’m going to kill you now.

Sean: Not if I kill you first! (he pounces on Voldemort and kills him. then someone shows up)

Sirius: Hey, what’d I miss?

Seamus: Not much, just Sean killed Voldemort, Remus knocked up your cousin and bolted, and Jacquelyn got married.

Sirius: To who?

James (from Twilight): Unfortunately, she has married Caius from the Volturi.

All: WHAT?

Fred: You mean to tell me that after all this time, Magnus and I were about to fight for Jacquel and SHE runs off and marries someone else?

Magnus: Jacquel, what were you thinking?

Jacquel: Yeah, I should have said I was engaged to Caius since I was 9 years old.

Magnus: He’s a vampire! You can’t marry him! Think of your fans!

Jacquel: I have no fans; only idiots who think my grandpa was a monster and my grandmother smelled of poisoned goop!

Harry: Well, this sucks! Jacquel marries a vampire, Fred dies, George loses an ear, Hermione marries Ron, Draco marries some other girl, and Dumbledore is a douche. (noticing fans leaving) Hey, where do you think you’re going?

Fan #1: We’re leaving you, Harry. Your story sucks!

Fan #2: You shouldn’t have married that Ginny Weasley in the first place!

Fan #3: I still remembered what you did to that Cedric Diggory!

Harry: But why are you ditching me?

Magnus: Plain and simple, Harry. Nobody likes you anymore.

Harry: Why me?

The End!

How Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix Should Have Ended…

Some Ministry officials in Harry Potter and th...

Some Ministry officials in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, from left to right: John Dawlish, auror; Dolores Umbridge, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister; Cornelius Fudge, Minister for Magic; and Kingsley Shacklebolt, auror. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(Everyone is in the Department of Mysteries)

Harry: OK, here’s what we do: Ron, you throw chess pieces at Lucius and call him all sorts of nasty names; Hermione, you throw a book at Bellatrix Lestrange…

Neville: Uh, Harry, I believe that’s my job…

Harry: Uh, right, Neville. And as for you, Jacquel…well, you’re next to useless unless you get yourself captured by Fenrir Greyback and then I can go rescue you.

Jacquel: Harry, you idiot! Are you taking my character and completely remaking it to create “pointless drama” that is completely unnecessary?

Hermione: Well, the viewers want to see you as the beautiful girl everyone loves and not be hated for no reason.

Jacquel: What? OK, that’s it! I will NOT be bowing down to no Mary-Sueism! I quit this joint! We are all broken up! (she storms off. Death Eaters show up and kill everyone. Hermione is heard screaming her head off)

Sirius: Well, this ain’t nothing like the ride at the Harry Potter park!

Lupin: You said it!

How Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban Should Have Ended…

Azkaban (heavily damaged) as seen in Harry Pot...

Azkaban (heavily damaged) as seen in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(Everyone is in the Shrieking Shack)

Sirius: We should kill him! (Wormtail freaks out)

Lupin: Yes, lets. (they raise their wands)

Harry: Uh, no. Maybe we should turn him in.

Jacquel: Not right now.

All: Why not?

Jacquel: It’s a full moon tonight. We should wait until morning.

Ron: SERIOUSLY, Jacquel. You just keep getting weirder and weirder!

Hermione: She knows what she’s doing, Ron.

Harry: Well, morning sounds great.

(The next morning…)

Snape: Aha! I caught you two! It’s Azkaban for you!

Lupin: Now Severus, you can’t just haul us off to Azkaban without sufficient evidence.

Snape: And I say you should be grateful, for if Miss Romanov didn’t notice the telltale signs that you were a werewolf, things would have been worse.

Sirius: Shut the hell up!

Snape: Very well then. (he gathers the kids and they all return to Hogwarts)

(confronting Fudge)

Fudge: You mean to tell me that Sirius Black was set up by Peter Pettigrew, who betrayed the Potters to Lord Voldemort and killed 13 people with a single curse?

Harry: That’s true.

Fudge: I see.

Jacquel: So will you admit you made a terrible mistake?

Fudge: Well, I’ll be humiliated and people will say bad things about me, but yes, I will.

Dumbledore: Very well then. I suppose we have much to do then.

(A few evenings later…)

Dumbledore: Unfortunately, Slytherin has won the house cup, again…(Slytherins mock as everyone else boos) But then again, Harry Potter and Jacquel Romanov are being commended for bringing a man to justice and for telling us that our justice system is broken.

Lupin: And I’m leaving Hogwarts at the end of this term and taking Jacquelyn with me. She’s my daughter.

All: WHAT?

Hooray! We have survived a whole year without Harry Potter!

Harry Potter & the Methods of Rationality movi...

Harry Potter & the Methods of Rationality movie poster (Photo credit: claireviolet82)

Well, we have done the impossible. We have lived through an entire year without listening to the words “Harry Potter“.

Doesn’t that feel great? I know I’m feeling fantastic, seeing as I’m recuperating from having to hear about Harry Potter, and I was getting tired of it. But if we can go through 2012 without Harry Potter, than we can endure the the rest of our lives without Harry Potter.

Anyway, let’s get back to the real reason why we have this blog in the first place.

A New Era

Harry Potter 2011 Blu Ray Years 1-8 Box Set Cover

Harry Potter 2011 Blu Ray Years 1-8 Box Set Cover (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is the beginning of a new era, and this new era will be glorious, because we will never again have to hear the words “OMG THE NEW HARRY POTTER MOVIE IS COMING OUT IN SEVEN MONTHS!!!

We here at The Blog That Made No Sense are happy to announce that this is the year 2012, and this year, there is no more Harry Potter for us to deal with at all. In fact, we now have Tyler Potter to deal with as we focus on building his unusual world from beginning to end.

This year, we are turning off the Harry Potter and turning on the other fan fiction that we think is better than Harry Potter and all that it implies. Hopefully, there will be less Harry and more original fantasy.