How Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire Should Have Ended…

The Dark Mark as produced in the film of Harry...

The Dark Mark as produced in the film of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(right after Cedric dies and Harry fights Lord Voldemort and escapes)

Dumbledore: Last night, we received word of a terrible tragedy and today, we are experiencing a terrible loss. One of our students has been murdered. (all gasp) And while the Minister doesn’t want you to know the truth behind how he died, I feel that for you to not know the truth would be an insult to his memory. Therefore you all have the right to know how he died. Cedric Diggory was murdered by Lord Voldemort. (students groan. some of the girls start crying) And that is an unfortunate event indeed in the history of Hogwarts.

Nelena: Yeah, whatever.

Dumbledore: Cedric was a brave and loyal student and we will miss him terribly.

Nelena: Yeah, whatever.

Dumbledore: But now he is gone, and yet he taught us one thing: while we all may come from different worlds and have different views about magic, we all have the same heart. And so, we dedicate this evening to a student who gave his life for the good of the wizarding world.

Nelena: Yeah, whatever.

Jacquel: Say that one more time and I’ll come over there and beat the crap out of you! (Edward shows up. everyone gasps) Edward? Why are you here?

Cho: Cedric? You’re alive?

Edward: I’m not Cedric. I’m Edward Cullen.

Jacquel: Hey! I remember you! You’re a vampire!

Cho: Cedric’s a vampire?

Hermione: No, Cho. It’s Edward Cullen from Twilight.

Edward: Where is Harry?

Cho: Why?

Edward: I have a bone to pick with him.

Ron: Why?

Harry: What did I do?

Edward: You left me to die!

Harry: How?

Edward: This…

(flashback)

Voldemort: Avada Kevadra! (Cedric falls down dead)

Harry: Nooooooo! Cedric! (Cedric dies. Carlisle sees him)

Carlisle: Oh, this is injustice! The cute boy doesn’t deserve to die! I shall fix that! (he bites Cedric and changes him)

Cedric: Who are you, and more importantly, who am I?

Carlisle: I’m Carlisle Cullen, vampire extraordinaire. I’m also a doctor.

Cedric: Really?

Carlisle: Of course I am. Now, no more Cedric; it’s a stupid name! You’ll be known as Edward Cullen, mindreading extraodinaire. You’ll wear the coolest shirts and become a vampire.

Cedric: What? No wizard powers?

Carlisle: No! Wizards are stupid and they are evil! Only a vampire can do cool stuff like your mindreadng. Now let’s go show everyone how awesome you are!

(flashback ends)

Edward: Now you know. (notices Jacquel) And what are YOU doing here?

Jacquel: Blame the Volturi; they’re a bunch of stupid punks to begin with and Caius wanted to be “more that just friends” with me…

Caius: Oh no you did-ent!

Harry: She just did!

Edward: You didn’t care about me; you left me to die! Now I’m gonna give you what for! (pounces on Harry and attacks him)

Harry: Help me, Jacquel!

Jacquel: No way, Harry! When this ends, you’ll be riding a horse nude on Broadway and girls will love Cedric and hate you for allowing him to die!

Malfoy: And you just wanted to get into Cho’s pants!

Jacquel: Nobody asked you, Evil Faith!

Voldemort: Well, I never should have killed that boy in the first place.

Carlisle: Oh, so it was YOU who killed him? I usually don’t condone violence, but you are a lost cause! (jumps on Voldemort and rips his head off)

Kids: EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!

Aro: Oh Carlisle! You’re so gorgeous when you’re covered in blood! (Jacquel slaps him across his face) Why did you hit me like that? You’re so mean! (starts crying)

Jacquel: Don’t even go there, Aro! (meanwhile, Harry is getting his butt kicked by Edward)

Harry: I’m sorry I let you die!

Bella: Too late, Potter! A real friend would fight to the death to keep him alive! You fail, and so do that retarded redhead jerk and that stupid bucktoothed nerd girl sitting next to you!

Neville: Do I fail?

Jacob: Nope. You go all badass in the finale. And Jacquel marries the blond haired vampire jerk.

Caius: Yes!

Jacquel: What?

Fred & Magnus: Noooooo!

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