How Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets Should Have Ended…

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Harry: We gotta save Ginny!

Jacquel: Do you have a plan?

Harry: No!

Jacquel: Well, I have one…

Ron: What is it?

Jacquel: We go into the Chamber of Secrets, arm ourselves with mirrors and a sword, and kill the book!

Ron: Why would you kill a book?

Jacquel: Because it’s causing all this trouble!

Harry: You mean a book is causing trouble for us?

Jacquel: That’s exactly what I mean, Harry. So I suggest that we all go kill the book and save the school. And NOT a word to Hermione about me killing a book.

Harry & Ron: Agreed. (Gilderoy Lockhart shows up)

Lockhart: Aha! I caught you three sneaking in! What do you have to say for yourselves?

Ron: This! (he pushes Lockhart down the slide in Moaning Myrtle‘s Bathroom and the others follow)

Lockhart: You’ll be paying for this! (zaps Harry)

Harry: Uh, who am I? (he had his memories erased)

Ron: Crap! Well, Jacquel, looks like it’s just you and me now!

Jacquel: We’re only young once. (they find the book and stab it with Gryffindor’s sword. Ginny wakes up)

Ginny: Hey, what the heck happened here?

Jacquel: We got rid of that basilisk.

Ron: And killed a book.

Ginny: Hermione is so gonna kill you for that, Ron!

Ron: Yeah, so, and why should I care? She’s a freaking nerd anyway!

Lockhart: I heard that!

(The next day)

Dumbledore: Unfortunately, once again, Slytherin has won the house cup…(Slytherins mock as everyone else boos) And also, we are sad to announce that Ginevra Weasley has been sentenced to 50 years in Azkaban Prison for opening the Chamber of Secrets.

Malfoy: Weasley? Who’d thought of that?

Hermione: I’m sorry your sister got sent to prison.

Ron: Who cares about what you think, Hermione!

Jacquel: I wonder whatever happened to poor Harry.

Ron: Right. What DID happen to him?

Claire: (very dramatic) Gilderoy Lockhart (once again) took credit for defeating the basilisk and was hailed as a hero, which annoyed Jacquel and Ron to no end. But as for Harry, no one ever saw him again after the second term ended.


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