Down in old Hogwarts, all the wizards were mocking, / All the good Christian girls and the good Christian boys. / When the Boy-Who-Lived busted in, nearly scared ‘em half to death, Had a .22 in his hands and firewhiskey on his breath. / From his glasses to his shoes he was covered with ammo, / Looking like the wizard’s version of the great Rambo. / And he smiled at everyone as he began to laugh, / “Happy Christmas to all—now you’re all gonna DIE!”
The night Harry Potter went crazy, / The night the boy wizard went insane! / Realized he’d been getting a raw deal, / Something finally must have snapped in his brain!
Well, Hogwarts is gone now, he decided to bomb it / Everywhere you’ll find pieces of what once had been Hagrid. / And he tied up the Gryffindors and he held the Slytherins hostage, / And he ground up poor Remus Lupin into werewolf sausage. / He got Ron and Hermione with a World War 2 rifle, / And he slashed up Old Dumbledore just like Jigsaw. / And he picked up a blowtorch and he barbecued Hedwig. / And he took a big bite and said, “WOW! It tastes just like chicken!”
The night Harry Potter when crazy, / The night the Boy-Who-Lived went nuts. / Now there’s no way you can walk around England / Without steppin’ in wizard guts!
There’s the Royal Army and the CIA / There are reporters from CNN and scores of eyewitnesses everywhere / And as the spells are flying, many wizards are dying / and the world wants to know why Harry why / my my my my my my / Harry Potter used to be a good guy…(cue scenes from disaster)
Yes, Albus-Severus, now your daddy’s doing time / he’s in Azkaban for his infamous crime. / Hey little buddy, now don’t you cry no more tears / he’ll be out with good behavior in 100 more years! / So now the the Malfoys are seeing Dr. Phil and poor Snape is freaking out, / And the house elves got new jobs working for the Queen. / And as for J. K. Rowling, she’s on the phone every night, / she and her lawyer are discussing the movie rights!
(Violent Ending Edition: Yes, Albus-Severus, now your daddy’s dead / some guy called Edward Cullen came and shot him in his head. / He’s in a corner lying dead on the floor / looks like there won’t be a new Harry Potter book anymore! / So now the fans are crying because the series got canceled, / And the surviving characters are stuck in literary limbo. / And as for J. K. Rowling, she’s on the phone every night, / she and her lawyer are discussing the movie rights!)
It’ll be about…the night Harry Potter when crazy. / The night the boy wizard flipped. / all he wanted was a normal life, / Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin’ tricked. / Wo, the night Harry Potter went crazy. / The night the Boy-Who-Lived went insane, / he simply went downhill since “Deathly Hallows” / Something finally must have snapped in his brain. / Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain! / Tell ya, something must have snapped…in his brain!
- The Harry Potter mini movie: what’s the story? (guardian.co.uk)
- Harry Potter Series II: Albus Severus Potter Chapter XXX (littleonionwrites.wordpress.com)
- Harry Potter Series II: Albus Severus Potter Chapter XXVI (littleonionwrites.wordpress.com)
- A bit of Harry Potter magic infuses Platform 9 3/4 (stillnotshakespeare.wordpress.com)