STILL More Neville Longbottom Jokes

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Yup, wasted another day on Google. But then again, plenty more Neville Longbottom jokes for you to enjoy!

*Facts About Neville*

  1. Chuck Norris‘ boggart is Neville Longbottom. –Me
  2. * Neville urinates Felix Felicis. –Demetriuous Lymon
  3. * If Grindewald and Voldemort were to get in a fight, Neville would win. –Celia Quillian
  4. * Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Neville Longbottom bites the heads off of Hippogriffs. –Andrea Spraycar
  5. * Neville is one-eigth centaur. This has nothing to do with bloodline; he once ate an entire centaur. –Jamez McShane
  6. * Neville Longbottom sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled bad-ass wizarding ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Neville Expelliarmus’d the devil’s ass and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play Exploding Snap every second Wednesday of the month. –Callie Lawrence
  7. * The Sorting Hat is no longer used at Hogwarts; students are sorted based on how long it takes them to cry in the presence of Neville Longbottom. –Brittany Niccum
  8. * When Harry and Ginny’s children were conceived, Ginny was thinking of Neville. So was Harry. –Peter Chainey
  9. * Voldemort didn’t light the Sorting Hat on fire; the Sorting Hat combusted because it touched Neville Longbottom. –Me
  10. * Neville Longbottom turned me full on gay. –Anthony Rachal
  11. * Nicolas Flamel created the philosopher’s stone. Neville Longbottom created Nicolas Flamel. –Kayleigh Bosnick
  12. * Neville uses Nagini’s blood as soy sauce. –Matt Jacobson
  13. * If you spell “Neville Longbottom” in Scrabble, it’s an automatic win. –Kimberly Marie Golden
  14. * Harry’s chest tatoo isn’t a Hungarian Horntail, it’s a portrait of Neville. –Matthew McLaughlin
  15. * Bellatrix never actually tortured Neville’s parents. She just threatened to kill their son and they laughed themselves into insanity. –Nathan Corliss
  16. * Even though it was difficult getting four dragons for the Triwizard Tournament, the officials decided it was safer than the original plan of using Neville. –Nathan Corliss
  17. * Neville Longbottom is the reason that the Cauldron is Leaky. –Nathan Corliss
  18. * Muggles don’t know about Lord Voldemort, but they do know about Neville Longbottom. –Nathan Corliss
  19. * In kindergarten, Neville killed a Death Eater for Show and Tell. –Mike Case
  20. * If Neville had a myspace, he’d have more friends than Tom. –Heidi Moore
  21. * Originally, there was a spell called “Neville Longbottom” but when cast in a duel, both wizards would explode leaving nothing more than a smear of blood and a fraction of wand. They quickly changed this spell to the much weaker “Avada Kedavra.” –Rebecca Krznarich
  22. * Neville Longbottom doesn’t bow to hippogriffs. Hippogriffs bow to Neville Longbottom. –Carrie Wittmer
  23. * If you’re looking for Neville on the Marauder’s map, he’s labeled “BAMF.” –Ben Mapa
  24. * Thestrals can only see Neville Longbottom if they’ve witnessed someone dying. –Fridolin Heer
  25. * Neville became Head Boy AND Girl. No one dared comment. –Melissa E
  26. * They said Dumbledore was the only man Voldemort was afraid of. They lied. –Michelle Varner
  27. * They were going to release a Neville Longbottom edition of “Clue” but the answer always turned out to be “Neville Longbottom, in the courtyard with a sword.“‘ –Kayla Yates
  28. * Dumbledore seriously considered calling it The Order of Neville Longbottom before he settled on The Order of the Phoenix. —Carla Jimenez
  29. * King Leonidas and the 300 were Neville Longbottom’s bitches. –Ryan Figueroa
  30. * Neville Longbottom is what’s beyond the veil. –Suzi Ditman
  31. * Neville’s blood has thirteen uses. –Seth Just
  32. * Even phoenix tears won’t cure wounds inflicted by Neville Longbottom. –Erin Ouellette
  33. * Neville needs a remembrall not because he has a poor memory, but merely because he accomplishes too much to remember. –Mandan Naderi
  34. * Neville’s patronus is Neville, because nothing else is badass enough to represent him. –Andy Weissler
  35. * Merlin got an Order of Neville, Third Class. –Jamal Hill
  36. * Neville Longbottom created the Department of Mysteries when he got bored with making every damn discovery. –Lance Sawyer
  37. * Someone once asked Neville if there was alien life out in the universe. Neville replied, “There used to be.” –Zack McAfee
  38. * When Severus Snape looks into Neville Longbottom’s mind, he only sees a sword coming at his neck. –Billy Garcia
  39. * Neville Longbottom cut off the Hog’s Head. He was just practicing for Nagini. –Chris Masterson
  40. * Neville is listed in “Fantasic Beasts and Where to Find Them” with a Ministry of Magic Classification XXXXXX. This classification was created specifically for Neville. –Sharmin Abbasi
  41. * God first created man. Thinking he could do better, God created women. Then God created Neville Longbottom. –Jeff Brunelle’s Beautiful Girlfriend
  42. * Neville Longbottom taught the Veela how to dance. –Sarah Ferris
  43. * When Neville Longbottom golfs, he uses a snake for the ball, and a sword for the club. –Chris French
  44. * Hogwarts no longer teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts, they just hand out Neville Longbottom masks. –Kyle Boger
  45. * Trevor the toad never really escapes. Neville Longbottom sends Trevor hunting for other students’ pets. –Laura Maurice
  46. * Before Neville punched it, it was known as Horizont Alley. –Alexander Nicholson
  47. * Neville Longbottom sectumsempra’d his way out of his mother’s womb. Ever since, muggles have called this operation a “C-section”. –Blake Mundell
  48. * Neville Longbottom wears a Lethifold as a cape. –Philip Brooks
  49. * When Neville uses the knight bus, he calls himself Harry Potter to avoid all the attention. –Nora Stedman
  50. * It was once suggested that “Diagon Alley” be changed to “Longbottom Alley.” The idea was almost immediately cast aside, because nobody crosses Neville Longbottom and lives. –Chris Faria
  51. * Most people can slam doors. Neville can slam Floo powder. –Katie Fontes
  52. * Neville’s alphabet soup only ever contains four letters: B, A, M, and F –Nora Stedman
  53. * There is no Night and Day. Only Neville saying “Lumos.” –Victor Ryan
  54. * Neville Longbottom is often transported to the Room of Requirement, because the Room Requires Neville. –Melissa O and her brother
  55. * When Draco Malfoy found out he was worth a whole 12th of Neville Longbottom, he cried for joy. –Adam Dixon
  56. * The wizard prison was originally named after Neville – it used to be Bad-Asskaban. –Cordi Morrison
  57. * When Neville Apparates, he doesn’t move — the rest of the world shifts according to his design. The fact that this causes disasters like the Asian tsunami to occur is of little consequence to Neville. –Alexander Nicholson
  58. * The sorcerer’s stone can give people immortality. Neville can take it away. –Gavin Begg
  59. * Polyjuice Potion is only rationed because Neville got sick of losing all his bodily hair. –Claire Stone
  60. * Voldemort and the Death Eaters were actually created in the Room of Requirement. Neville walked passed it 3 times thinking he needed some opponents who were not laughably pathetic in comparison to him. Some things, not even magic can do. –Jason Taibi
  61. * They thought of making a Neville puppet for Potter Puppet Pals…but nobody makes fun of Neville Longbottom and wakes up the following morning. –Mle Larkin
  62. * Followers of Voldemort are known as “Death Eaters.” Followers of Neville Longbottom are know as “Death Eater Eaters.” –Jordan Smith
  63. * “Voldemort killed yer parents, ‘arry”, said Hagrid. “And then ‘e came upstairs for you. O’course, what ‘e didn’t know wuz that they wuz babysitting Neville at the time…” –Steve Cooper
  64. * Bound by the full Body-Bind curse, surrounded by Dementors and giants with his wand snapped in half, Neville Longbottom laughed to himself and said “I have them right where I want them.” –Michael Selleck
  65. * Originally, Professor Dumbledore was going to have Neville Longbottom guard the Sorcerer’s Stone. But he couldn’t figure out how to defeat him to get it back, so he went with plan B. –Matt Allen
  66. * Neville was standing on the Vatican balcony with the Pope and someone said “Who’s that up there with Neville?” –Shay Shay
  67. * Not to be outdown, after Mrs. Weasley took out Bellatrix, Neville brought her back to life and killed her again. –Rachel Gilbert
  68. * Professor Quirrel didn’t have to fake his stammer in Neville’s presence. –Chris Faria
  69. * Neville Longbottom listens to Mandrake cries on his iPod for entertainment. –Simon Nicholson
  70. * Voldemort’s Boggart is Trevor. –Shafkat Hossain
  71. * To access the Marauder’s Map, and Neville has to say is “I’m Neville Longbottom…bitch…” –Giacomo Calabria
  72. Chuck Noris is Neville Longbottom, pretending to be a muggle.
  73. J. K. Rowling was going to announce the location of the real Neville Longbottom, but the world wasn’t ready for the death a famous wealthy author.
  74. Neville Longbottom invented the hippogriff when an bald eagle and a horse ran into each other while trying to escape Neville Longbottom’s stare.
  75. Neville Longbottom taught mandrakes how to scream. He finds the sounds soothe him to sleep.
  76. If the real Neville Longbottom was captured on film, your camera would take on a life of it’s own, take a plane to sunny Florida and expose it’s film if only die with it’s last picture being of Neville Longbottom.
  77. If Neville were good at potions, Snape would be out of the job forever, and Neville would be the first 11-year-old professor.
  78. If J. K. Rowling had published her original series, “Neville Longbottom” we would never know beauty and half-way decent sexual pleasure ever again, and the mass hysteria and suicide attempts once J. K. Rowling died to never write another book would cause the mass extinction of our species, not to mention our solar system, because our world revolves around Neville Longbottom. We just don’t know it.
  79. Neville is single as far as we know, because if he wasn’t, he’d become a male widow many many many times, and most of the wizarding world would be in Azkaban, because Neville is a most gracious Lord to give such a light punishment.

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