Movie Characters discuss Harry Potter

Harry Potter

Image by plainsight via Flickr

OK, here’s Jacquel Spartan, Karema Smittand, and Derrick Virgil and they’re here to talk about your favorite books!

And this week, they’re discussing…Harry Potter.

WARNING: anti-Harry Potter reviews ahead!!!

Jacquel Spartan: When I first heard of Harry Potter, I didn’t know what to say. As I was a college student studying the literary classics, I looked at the books with a very critical eye. And I found out that it wasn’t worth the hype; not with the theme of child abuse and wizardry and witchcraft and crap that is so prevalent in fiction nowadays. And when I got past the first chapter of the story, I saw that it was so boring and bland that it wasn’t even worth continuing. And when the movies started coming out and I just couldn’t stomach the hype surrounding it. Even my children got tired of Harry after I tried (and failed) to read them “Chamber of Secrets“. But what about the characters? Please! Harry comes off as a nerdy little boy who lives with abusive relatives and gets bullied every single day. Now, if that were me, I’d be running away and trying to get help for myself. And I’d go find a new family. And new friends. The friends he has sucks. As for Ron, I mean, his whole life is worse than Harry’s; and he’s not even an orphan. His mother yells at him, dresses him in maroon, and belittles him at every opportunity. His father, however, locks himself in a shed and studies muggles (non-magical people) like their science projects. Hermione is a girl who buries herself in books and not the type of person I can call a friend at all. I apologize to all the fans of Hermione who will hate me for saying this, but she’s just not the girl I can call a friend, let alone a role model for my daughters. And Ginny, Ron’s sister? Please don’t get me started! She’s a freaking Mary-Sue. A stalker. A Fangirl. She was programmed to do one thing, and that is to marry Harry Potter. Now I don’t see her as a character at all, just an entity of the author herself. I would surely ground Treasure, Fern, or Fawn if they started to act like that little brat. And would you believe that that woman had the nerve to put them together? I say that’s a bad idea, considering the fact that Harry Potter is the hero and Ginny is the “Love Interest” who knocked aside all the other girls Harry could have married just to have him? That’s not love. And Hermione and Ron being married? I smell DIVORCE for them in the future. And that’s my opinion of Harry Potter; it wasn’t the book of the century, let alone the new millennium. It’s just a piece of garbage that never should have been written in the first place.

OK, that’s quite enough from Jacquel the non-religious skeptic. Now we shall hear from Karema, the almost-pagan pacifist…

Karema Smittand: As an almost-pagan, the Harry Potter series deeply offended me. There was no magic in the books at all, just a bunch of teenagers dressed in dark robes waving flimsy wooden sticks and shouting some mumbo-jumbo crap. Any idiot can dress up in a robe and wave flimsy wooden sticks and shout some mumbo-jumbo crap, but it takes a special person to actually create magic. In short, the Harry Potter series ruined the entire fantasy genre for me. And don’t even get me started on the movies; I saw the first 2 with Jacquel and we both agreed that it was all crap. I can’t stand the hype over that crap. I’m pissed at adults, who don’t even consider reading the classics, who would think that Harry Potter was the best story ever written. Grow up, people! it’s a stupid story; there’s other books out there for you to read, and you insist on reading this piece of crap book. If there is a God out there, may he have mercy on all your souls because you are stupid if you think this was the greatest thing in this millennium. Excuse me while I go do some real Wiccan chants to make the Harry Potter hype go away for good.

Now that we have heard from a pagan who thought the series was crap, we go to a Christian for his take on the saga. Don’t worry, folks, Derrick isn’t one of those religious nuts who think Harry Potter comes from the Devil and all that shebang.

Derrick Virgil: I was about 15 years old when I was given Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone to read; I had just lost my parents and was the sole supporter of my sister Connie. So I turned to a storybook character who shared the same problem as I did. But being a Christian had its challenges, like when a person in my church said that Harry Potter was full of witchcraft, and I had a fun time challenging him about that. But what I discovered that the book didn’t have one ounce of witchcraft in it (and boy did that guy’s face cracked when I told him that!) but thanks to Karema and later Jacquel, I discovered that the books just weren’t as great as I had originally thought, not since Jacquel introduced me to The Lord of the Rings and gave me the meaning of the word “wizard”, which Gandalf was and Dumbledore was not. I also discovered that the book format kept repeating its self, from harry escaping from his uncle’s house and going off to Hogwarts and having to fight Lord Voldemort and then back to his abusive relatives, where the cycle begins all over again. I was a bit guilty of buying into the hype (glares from Jacquel and Karema) OK, so I did buy into the hype for a long time, until the girls convinced me that Harry Potter was a piece of crap (THERE, I SAID IT! HAPPY NOW?) and that I need to put it down and read an adult novel. (BTW, it took me forever to convince Connie to set Harry Potter aside and read Percy Jackson; she was as much of a fan as I was.) So as for the magic part of the story? There was none. The characters seemed to be flat and boring. And the finale didn’t do much to impress me. I guess I wasted a lot of time being a Harry Potter fan and I want to help others who have lost parents to not turn to a sad pile of books that can’t even help you escape to a world of fantasy.

Now that you have heard the honest opinions of the Movie Characters on the Harry Potter books, we can honestly say that they never did like the books at all (save for Derrick, but that’s for later). Next week, we’ll be hearing their reviews on the Twilight Saga.

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