But For a True Hero…

In all the Harry Potter bashing that I have done, there is one other person who is worthy of being a hero. His name is Neville Longbottom.

As we all know, Neville Longbottom had come a long way from being a clumsy forgetful boy we first met in Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone and now with Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows, we see him come into his own with killing Nagini (the Dark Lord’s snake) and becoming the true hero that Harry never really was.

In honor of that, we like to kick Neville up to the level of another hero…namely CHUCK NORRIS!!!

So here we go!

Neville Longbottom Jokes
  1. God said, “Let there be light!” and Neville Longbottom walked in.
  2. Neville Longbottom shaves with the sword of Gryffindor.
  3. Neville Longbottom is the reason the Leaky Cauldron got its name.
  4. Justin Timberlake claimed to be bringing sexy back. Neville Longbottom invented sexy.
  5. Neville Longbottom: better than Harry since 1980.
  6. Neville Longbottom doesn’t bowl strikes; he hits 1 pin and the other 9 freak out and die.
  7. Jacob Black thinks he’s the hottest guy on earth; Neville Longbottom is even hotter than him.
  8. Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Neville Longbottom.
  9. Neville Longbottom can slam revolving doors.
  10. Why did Stephenie Meyer end “Breaking Dawn” the way she did? Well, if she had put Neville Longbottom in the book, the Volturi would have all died upon seeing him.
  11. Neville Longbottom can touch MC Hammer.
  12. Some people say that Neville Longbottom is a coward. Those “some people” are now dead.
  13. Forget team Edward and Team Jacob; I’m on Team Neville!
  14. Team Neville: because going from coward to badass is cool!
  15. I love Neville Longbottom, because he’s better than Harry Potter.
  16. I love Neville Longbottom, because Harry Potter is an idiot.
  17. I love Neville Longbottom, because killing a snake and earning a fan club is far better than Harry Potter faking his own death and marrying a redhaired stalker fangirl.
  18. Everybody loves Raymond. Everyone except for Neville Longbottom.
  19. Mr. T pities the fool. Neville Longbottom rips the fool’s head off.
  20. Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Neville Longbottom.
  21. Neville Longbottom planted the Whomping Willow.
  22. Harry Potter backed down when fighting the Dark Lord. Neville Longbottom charged forward and killed Nagini. Who’s the hero now?
  23. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Neville Longbottom turned that wine into firewhiskey.
  24. Neville Longbottom does not sleep. He waits.
  25. Neville Longbottom did in fact, build Hogwarts in a day.
  26. Google won’t search for Neville Longbottom because it knows you don’t find Neville, he finds you.
  27. When somebody yells “Last one in is a rotten egg,” Neville Longbottom is never the rotten egg.
  28. If you spell Neville Longbottom in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  29. Neville Longbottom was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, “Only a scaredy-cat would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelry. I could do it all in one take.” 
  30. If you see Neville Longbottom fighting a snake, don’t help Neville, help the snake.
  31. When Bellatrix Lestrange goes to sleep every night, she checks her closet for Neville Longbottom.
  32. Emmett Cullen owns a pair of Neville Longbottom pajamas.
  33. The only thing Charlie Bone, Percy Jackson, and Neville Longbottom can agree on is that Harry Potter killed Cedric Diggory.
  34. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Neville Longbottom can touch this.
  35. Neville Longbottom had to confound the Goblet of Fire NOT to choose him.
  36. Threstals can see Neville Longbottom only if someone’s dying.
  37. The only letters in Neville Longbottom’s alphabet soup are B, A, M, F.
  38. When Neville Longbottom was being sorted, the Sorting Hat did not shout “Gryffindor!” Instead, it said, “FUTURE BAD A$$ MOTHER F***ER!”
  39. Neville Longbottom should have been the Boy-Who-Lived; he would have figured out that Professor Quirrell was looking from the sorcerer’s stone, found out that Ginny Weasley had opened the Chamber of Secrets, told the truth about Sirius Black, realized that the Twiwizard Tournament was rigged, THOUGHT before chasing after Sirius, stood up to Umbridge, and realized that Dumbledore was a manipulating, lying traitor who wanted to take over the world.
  40. For Jacquel’s wedding gift, Neville Longbottom gave her the Hogwarts Express. Which was quite impressive because he lifted the entire train and set it up in Italy in one evening.
  41. Yes, it’s Neville Longbottom’s birthday. But the jokes about him are getting old.
Well, with all these jokes that we’re telling, I say Neville must be the real hero and not stupid Harry Potter. So let’s give him moment…or even better, his own book series, since he’s worthy of this honor.
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