What if these movies were made? I’d sure would love to see them!
1: Harry Potter & The Bongo Of Tedium
Quick Pitch: JK Rowling told Oprah this week that she’s “not going to say [she] won’t” pen more Potter books – thus more films – after Deathly Hallows. What might the long-term future hold for Hogwarts’ original Class Of ’97?
We like the idea of a Harry returning from a post-exams gap year slacking in Goa, and proceeding to bore the arse off everyone with his photo albums, ratty braids, ethnic instruments and lies about copping off at a sunrise beach rave.
Pros: Trading in that gnarly old twig wand for a sweet glow stick.
Cons: We can only speculate on how visually offensive a wizard’s tie-dye collection might be.
2: Harry Potter: The College Years
Quick Pitch: That’s ‘college’ as in uni, just like Saved By The Bell when it got a daft second reboot.
Expect vicious ‘hazing’ ceremonies when Ron tries to join the kayaking club, ill-advised freshers’ ball fumblings (Hermione and Tom Riddle?), and a gripping climax when Harry’s third essay extension is denied and he has to miss the charity hitch to Morocco.
Pros: Plenty of scope for evil nemeses: harsh tutors, student-hating bouncers, bent landlords…
Cons: The fact that Harry can just magic his flat clean for a full deposit refund may remove much of the dramatic tension.
3: Harry Potter And The Masters Of The Universe
Quick Pitch: And on we go, this time to postgrad level – no more titting about in the union bar for Harry and chums now.
Conjuring up a universal riddle-solving thesis to dwarf Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History Of Time isn’t easy, even for Harry, and so the crawling narrative mostly involves lengthy accounts of him reading, eating cheese on toast and weeping openly in the library.
Pros: The cheese on toast looks really nice, though. And it can talk, because it’s magic.
Cons: Alas, it has a really annoying voice. The Jar Jar Binks of enchanted snacks, if you will.
4: Potter, QC
Quick Pitch: Having graduated a roaring academic success, the ex-boy wizard opts to leave two-bit spellcasting behind for good.
Instead, he turns his attentions to hokum and misdirection of a more fiscally responsible nature by retraining as a lawyer. He still uses spells, though.
Pros: We envisage his client list being largely celeb-based, making room for countless C-list cameos as Potter scraps to have their eye-popping indiscretions buried in a libel-proof coffin.
Cons: He may instead stick to his roots, opting to represent only wronged magicians. If so, we expect fluffy little Montecore the tiger to be getting the chair before the credits roll. Sadface.
Quick Pitch: Or perhaps things don’t go quite so swimmingly for our hero and his lofty academic ambitions after all…
We’d quite like to see him shoved reluctantly into a minimum wage service job, trying to magic up an extra star for his name tag but finding his powers mysteriously curbed by the greasy hairnet and wipe-clean apron combo.
Pros: Actually, it really would be pretty interesting to see an adult Potter forced to cope in the real world without being able to fall back on his powers.
Cons: Well, for about 15 minutes. After that, we’d be off to see something with wizards in it.
6: Harry Potter And The Gratuitous Nude Scene
Quick Pitch: In a strange case of art imitating life imitating art, the post-Hogwarts Harry decides to embark on a Serious Acting career, underlining his refusal to remain forever pigeonholed by his youthful wand-waving antics.
Starting with a bang – in more ways than one, it turns out – he immediately signs up for a stage role in an avant-garde psychosexual drama, the second act of which features him waving his other ‘wand’ at a justifiably spooked thoroughbred.
Pros: Wizard arse.
7: Know What I Mean, ‘Arry?
Quick Pitch: After a scathing review of his stagecraft in Equestrianism Quarterly, Harry turns his back on the arts. Drunk and embittered, he spirals into amateur boxing.
He’s rubbish, until a chance encounter with Frank Bruno at a charity fundraiser gives him some handy pointers. (Take your glasses off, for starters.)
Pros: The story arc writes itself, and the promise of Potter kicking ass by the end is oddly intriguing.
Cons: Surely no earthly soul could derive pleasure from seeing the boy wizard dealt endless rounds of claret-spattered chin music in the early scenes? No, thought not.
8: The Riddle Of Voldemort
In fact, we get an entire movie based around the creepy Voldemort mini-me Tom Marvolo Riddle, fully accounting for his obsessive Horcrux jiggery-pokery and deep-seated daddy issues.
Pros: We might get to see young Tom in a more playful mood, using his naughty magic to steal sweets and throw farts in the school hall.
Cons: Dumbledore was the doofus who brought Tom to Hogwarts, but it’s a bit mean to dwell on the epic fails of a man who’s no longer around to defend himself…
9: Do We Look Familiar?!
Quick Pitch: Cutesy, wisecracking, Pixar-animated spinoff romp featuring the gaggle of wizard pets that fuzzied, feathered and slimed up the hallowed Hogwarts halls.
Led by Harry’s owl Hedwig, the creatures must save themselves and their owners, Watership Down-style, from a looming threat that none of the people-shaped idiots ever saw coming.
Pros: The merchandise potential is incredible – Hedwig plush toys, Pigwidgeon lunchboxes, Crookshanks-flavoured Doritos…
Cons: Incredible merchandise potential is only ever a good thing if you’re a stakeholder, a child, or an absolutely colossal loser.
10: Harry & Ron’s Hocus Pocus Journey
Quick Pitch: Flimsy Bill & Ted rip-off, based on a glitch in the Diagon Alley cloaking magic.
The invisible entrance in the back of the Leaky Cauldron pub is revealed to Muggles during an especially raucus happy hour, resulting in tens of pissed-up revellers buying arcane magic items that Harry and Ron must then round up and return.
Pros: They’ll get plenty of alone time between shakedowns – maybe they could really chew through that whole love/hate bromance thing once and for all.
Cons: As a duo, their home-cooked jargon would be awful. Or rather non, non heinous.
11: The 7-Year Quidditch
Quick Pitch: A gritty sporting installment set in an alternate future. Ron has become an unlikely national Quidditch icon; meanwhile, the once-promising Harry – sidelined by a career-ending splinter – looks on in bitter dismay.
Naturally, a twist of fate grants Harry one last chance to either bounce back at Ron’s expense, or remain forever in his shadow but patch up their shattered friendship…
Pros: Might play out sort of like a giddy mash-up of Kingpin, Tron and Field Of Dreams.
Cons: The obligatory locker room punch-up would be girly as all hell.
12: Leaving Little Whinging
Quick Pitch: A burned-out, middle-aged Potter rents a Travelodge in his childhood hometown, his sole intention being to end it all by gradually spell-casting himself to death.
Pros: Where Nicholas Cage’s character in Leaving Las Vegas found some injury-time solace in the soothing arms of an empathetic hooker, it’d be nice to think the boy wizard might receive a solemn visit from Hermione to nurse him through to the end.
Cons: It’s probably easier to magic yourself dead than to stoically booze your way there, as Cage’s character did. Although no less gut-wrenching than Leaving Las Vegas, this may be a lot shorter.
13: Rise Of The Muggles
Quick Pitch: Panicked by the notion that their precocious magical bretheren could spell-zap them at any time, the non-enchanted population of the planet move as one to overpower, tag and monitor the wizardy ones.
Pros: Ron would be carried home shoulder high, the first undercover agent to have successfully infiltrated the shadowy academy and learn a couple of spells. He was never properly magic at all! Explains a thing or two…
Cons: Us Muggles being what we are, we probably wouldn’t stop at monitoring the magicians. Expect gruelling internment camp scenes or – worse – making them dance on telly while we vote them off.
14: The Times Of Albus Dumbledore
Quick Pitch: Stone-turning pseudo-documentary that, like the similarly titled 1984 look at Harvey Milk’s career, examines the impact of Dumbledore’s rumoured sexuality on his time at Hogwarts and his eventual demise.
Pros: Rowling gets to flex new literary muscles penning a fictional history in crunching documentary style, and we get a whole movie about one of the franchise’s most fascinating characters.
Cons: Just as they did when Rowling first casually alluded to imagining Dumbledore as gay, expect certified nutjobs from the church and the political right to go all red and shouty.
15: Stewart Lee’s Harry Potter
Quick Pitch: After hearing his Potter rants on Comedy Vehicle last year – in which he was clearly more upset by the general state of publishing and consumption than by poor Harry himself – we’d love to get Stew in on the writing team for the next installment.
Even if he’s just coming up with titles.
Pros: Ok, so The Crock Of Shit was a low blow…but c’mon, both The Forest Of Embarrassment and The Tree Of Nothing actually sound pretty brilliant, no?
Cons: Deep though our faith in Mr Lee is, even we wouldn’t buy a ticket for The Mitten Of Wool.
16: Harry On Camping
Quick Pitch: Lowbrow slapstick in which the principal protagonists of the franchise embark upon an ill-fated outdoor holiday, largely cooked up by Harry and Ron as a cheap excuse for snuggling up to Hermione under canvas.
Pros: Shedloads of opportunity for some classic British innuendo and pratfalls aplenty.
The scene where Hermione’s wand twangs away and hits Ron in the face will doubtless appear on comedy Best Of… clip shows for decades to come.
Cons: We’re not sure we ever want to hear Rupert Grint gasping “ooh, matron!” as long as we live.
17: Dirty Harry
Quick Pitch: Potter decides he’d get more respect if he combated evil using maverick investigative tactics and a few bouts of fiscticuffs along with his trusty magic skills, and so reinvents himself as a hard-boiled detective pounding the mean corridors of Hogwarts.
Pros: “I know what you’re thinking – ‘did he cast six spells, or only five?’ Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. But, being as this wand has a phoenix feather core…” etc etc.
Cons: Someone somewhere will just see the title and assume it’s a tawdry low-budget porno spin-off.
Oh, that was you? For shame.
18: Hermione Does Hogwarts
Quick Pitch: We only suggest this because the alliteration worked. Actually, this is entirely your fault for putting bad ideas into our heads when we were discussing Dirty Harry. Don’t blame us.
Ok, you can blame us a bit.
Pros: There aren’t any. Trust us – searching for suitable images for this left us foetal and sobbing on the carpet after the second page of hits. Six times in a row.
Cons: Look how upset poor Ron looks in this promo shot from the upcoming Deathly Hallows movie. That is precisely what Mr Weasley’s face would look like if he knew you were even thinking about this right now. For shame. Again.
- No. Please no.
- Sounds pretty lame.
- Sounds like something that should be on SyFy
- I don’t think so
- Not likely
- Let me guess: you’re trying to make this funny.
- You gotta be kidding
- Is this a joke
- The f*** is this?
- For real?
- Is this a remake or a porno?
- I hate Hermione!
I take the first line back. I’m not watching any of this drivel at all! Now, give me a Twilight spinoff and I’ll think about it.